Taking a spin around Fantasyland

I was reading my wonderful subhub's blog and found that while I was enjoying myself, he was like Tinkerbell: flying around in Fantasyland. His comments about what he could do while I was in town with myguy, cracked me up. I could have him do this or that so he could happily pass his time was rather surprising. I wanted to relieve his pent up frustrations, not open the phone-lines to the all request pleasure hour.

I am really going to have to think about this one. Okay, done thinking. NOT!

I will choose his rewards and punishments. That is the deal. I do think he needs some release. I was amazed that he did not masturbate to culmination, but now I realize that this was, maybe, in part to him wanting to control some of his own pleasure/pain. I never said he had to cum. But, I will be much more definite in the future.

I guess I will make specifics for what he is to do.

#1 Wear the lovely pair of fairy wings that I have in my closet so he can remember when I will allow him to fly in Fantasyland.

#2 an exercise that will reinforce and remind him who is in charge (to be determined in the oh so very near future).

#3 A reward/punishment TBD by the responses made by said subhub on the intent and reasons of his "requests".

We are both laughing about this, right now. Joe is sitting here while I write this. He asks if this is the public humiliation portion of the evening, hahaha. Well honey, just making sure we understand each other and get the "most" out of this experience. You can go ahead and post any other ideas and suggestions on your blog...I'll get back to you on those! LOL

You are more than accommodating to me, which is appreciated greatly. Now I will be the best I can be, keeping you in-line the way you like. It's all given in love and I do love you the most in all the world!

Your Queen,

Cheryl

Hiding is lying!

Gosh, it seems that life always tests us in ways that we need. Lately, we have had to "lay low" because I was offered a teaching position for next year. I have been trying to decide if I would take it. Since the academic world is so concerned about image, I was covering our tracks a bit, so that I would not embarrass others by our lifestyle choices. I could just hear the news coverage/community outrage from the discovery of what Joe and I chose to do.

I know that it is actually ludicrous to think that choices we make as adults in our own bedrooms could be up for ridicule. I also know that in today's climate, sex sells. The titillation factor would be enormous. I would never want shame or embarrassment on any place I worked for, so I was carefully weighing my decision. I have come to the conclusion, that while I would enjoy the extra income, the price of my well being is too high. I hate having to look over my shoulder and be paranoid, like so many others I see out there.

I pride myself on being fairly honest and open. I have discovered that hiding who I am is like lying. It just doesn't feel right! This doesn't mean that I will tell people of my particular peccadilloes, I just refuse to put myself in a position where I am no longer allowed to feel good about my choices and this is what is happening now. Since I have cut back on being open and "erased my trail of eroticism" as best I could, I have felt more isolated and untrue to myself.

This will stop now.

I have a "what is the worst that can happen" mentality to this all. If someone found out that I enjoy BDSM kink, FLR, Polyamory, etc, what of it. Do I suffer like so many outed from their "deviant" behavior? Baby, I don't think so! I am willing to take it on if it arises. I might even write about it, but I refuse to hide from it or deny it. I have made my decision. I can't take a job that will force me to hide who I am. So, I will continue on my life of part-time work. The pay may suck, the hours long and unpredictable sometime, but I would control the one thing I value most: me. I would be able to leave without worry, take time off when I wish, and have the "devil may care" attitude I have enjoyed for the past umpteen years.

While this may appear selfish and self-absorbed to some (me as a priority), please consider that I know the value of self. I often have forgotten it or given it away to someone else. In the end, I will be alone in my thoughts and die alone. oooohhhh heavy. So, while on earth, I will enjoy the things I enjoy and live the life I wish. It would be useless to waste what I have each day, by living against my true nature. I am going to take more chances and live my life to the fullest possible form.

So, what will I do now. What any bohemian would; I will give up high pay to pursue my dream to be a writer. I have always wanted to be one. I have one more year left on child support, so the time is now. Next year I will have to make more money, since our income will decrease. Wouldn't it be great if I could set the stage this year to make my living doing what I want. No time like the present to find out if I can! Carpe Diem...I will seize the day. I WILL be ME!

Six

Well, I often notice things that other people do not, or would not bother to notice. Patterns, reoccurring themes, subtitles: they are my specialties. When I first started writing this blog, I noticed that in my first month of writing, I wrote 3 entries. My second month was 4 and my third month was 5. So here I am in June, the sixth month of the year and I had written six entries. I had to decided,would I add any posts to break the pattern, or keep it at six by waiting to write until July. Well doing that would require some habits that I may or may not be good at. It would require restraint (those who know me, well...you know), discipline (who are we kidding-the only discipline I have is the kind I give) and a desire to keep in the pattern. Now that last one is a hard one.

If someone told me not to do something, I would ask why. I want to know the reason of things. Is is just because you said, an established rule, or are you trying to control me. I am a rule follower though. I usually like the comfort of knowing that it is a certain way, and we follow that. Rules can free us from having to guess what someone else is going to do. My ex husband grew up in India for the first 10 years of his life. He was always amazed that people here followed traffic laws. In India, he said that a four way stop would never work. People would just drive through and not follow them. Even at stoplights, everyone ignores the lights, drives into the intersection, which causes gridlock and then enthusiastically honks their horns and yells at everyone. I, on the other hand, grew up in a town where rules were taken seriously. To this day, there are many four way stops that are only being changed slowly to stoplights. Most people from my hometown follow rules religiously. My college roommate now lives in my old hometown. She was friends with some of us from there and even married one of my teenage classmates. She is always amazed that we are so similar in our outlook. She says we are all of the same mindset and the people she meets now, that have grown up there, are the same. Why and how we became that way, I am not sure, it just is. In any event, even though I love rules and follow them, I sometimes don't like the rules that are on the periphery, that one can "bend" or "break".

Take for instance this non-significant pattern. who cares that my posts have gone 3,4,5,6. Well strangely, I do. I go through an inner struggle of should I follow the pattern, or break it? I inevitably do not want to be controlled by having to follow it through, down the road, so I break it now. I also have had an abundance of "number 6" items, so I was going to change that up too.

I have been reading a book on six word memoirs. The goal is to write six words that describe you/your life. If you google it, it will give you examples. I found this, because I will be leading a group of teens in this activity and then sending the final products to another library in Ca. for the summer reading program exchange of art, poetry, etc. I was trying to think what my six words will be. What would yours be?

Mine, for now, will be:

Mom and Wife, enjoys her life!

Happy Fathers' Day

Today is the third Sunday in June and thus it is the day to honor fathers. Interesting that I have always heard, this "holiday" was created in answer to Mother's Day. The men, or should I say specifically, the retailers see this as a way to help boost sales, and it does. I do not particularly like gratuitous holidays, or giving or receiving gifts for them. I don't like that Christmas displays come before Halloween now. That Valentines and Mother's day is about the flowers, chocolate, or gifts that may be sincere, but more of, "you suffer if I don't get". But, that is a different topic.

The sincerity of the holiday comes from honoring the fathers. We would like to congratulate the men who do serve their families well. The ones that have made a difference in the lives of their children and to their spouses. I am very grateful that my dad did so much for me. He was always concerned for our welfare and provided and led the best he could. He gave me the things necessary to have a good life.

The man that I feel gave me the lessons in life, was my Grandfather. I had a different connection with him. He righted "wrongs" for me, taught me how to play checkers, and disciplined me when I was not a good loser. He had a quiet way about him, that made him "heard" over everyone else. I liked his manner, his stories, his kindness, and his wrath. He taught me about "faith" without ever really quoting the bible or anything else. He taught me about what was important in life and in people. Basically, he taught me the lessons of life. I will be forever grateful for that. I would have missed out on those, if my father were the only man in my life.

I, of course, also honor Joe. Which, as you can see is really like my grandpa (what would Freud say?). He is the man who should receive every honor in the world, and never does. The understated and quiet ones, almost never do! Here is a man, who serves his family, raises the kids, provides financial support, and asks for very little in return. His major contribution to his step sons, my boys by a first marriage, is by BEING THERE. He is there whenever they need him. He does not pry, he lets them be, he shows them life's lessons, he teaches quietly about faith, he provides for them (besides the child support from biodad) and show that he thinks about them by getting things they like or cooking their favorite foods. He also treats them like they are his kids, and most people do not even realize that they are not his biological children. Amazingly so, he never replaces their biodad and knows when to step out of the picture, or let them go to the other for what is needed. I do think Joe is awesome. I let him know that often and one day doesn't really cover that.

I like that other dad's are loved and honored too, as they should be.

Ah, I have been distracted, left this topic in my mind, but the day goes on, the maddness continues...Happy Father's day

Stranger than Fiction

Today, I reflect on a most unusual meeting I had yesterday. It makes me think of the Will Farrell movie, "Stranger than Fiction". When I saw that in the movie theater with my son, I had the distinct feeling that I was enjoying it way more than the people in the room with me. This happens quite often, actually. Especially if the movie is ironic or on the odd side.

I love the story of the character going through his life in narration. The woman who is a writer is trapped to find an ending for her character, and the man, who is the character is able to hear her narrating what he is currently doing. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it. It's one of my favorites. I think he is trapped by living a life directed not by his wishes, but almost as if directed from the wishes of someone else. This only relates to me, in that my life has some of the farcical incidents like his did: unexpected and strange, yet it flows and so does he.

Yesterday, I went to meet with a man that I have chatted online with for a while. We met under the pretense of chat only. I answered his ad on this, cause I was looking to chat with just a normal non-sex seeking male. I guess to balance the ones I had been talking with to "find as a partner". Well after some innocuous short chats, this guy suggested we meet. If you don't know by now, I pretty much feel comfortable with "whatever" and agreed. I found it interesting that I was not in a state of excitement over this meeting, like I had been with the others. It did not make me all hot and bothered and I was unclear whether it was going to be a sex meeting or what. I was most nervous to have him see me naked, cause he is a triathlete. He had sent me a picture with an impressive display of very minimal body fat. Okay, I know I am buxom and rather fleshy, but I never felt particularly embarrassed like this before. That continued through our meeting as well; I guess because I can't wrap my head around a fitness person enjoying fat. It would be like a vegetarian dating a carnivore. I just don't get how the two combine.

This man was very polite and quite relaxed. He took care of himself and his surroundings. As we talked, like an interview kind of, I found out that he is a dominant himself (with women). He had hinted at that in one of our chats, I think, but I did not realize he was as much a dominant as me. I found this interesting. We compared notes on the way we liked things and how we thought and acted. I only became aroused when I was describing my favorite thing I like to do to Joe. It was erotic to describe the little game I play with Joe and that reminder of our game made me tingle. I find it interesting that I felt like this guy was more like my brother than would be a lover. Of course the sensualist in me would "do him" just to see what it was like, but the realist in me realizes that this would be more of an experiment just to see what he was like, without emotion. I "did" a fit marine when I was younger and fit myself, but that feels like a lifetime ago. I loved to hold his muscular arms and chest, but then it was about sex. Now it would be, just cause I could.

I realized that in that meeting. I don't want just the sex, okay I do, but not in that way. I am really seeking a relationship of sorts. I want to feel something for the other man. I want him to adore and cherish me. The clincher of it all, that I discovered, is not how long this lasts, but the intensity of it. I am an extremely intense person. I am like a strong and sudden wind. I need that intensity back. All these men who "roam" are not interested in relationships and intensity. They seem to want quick and easy. I don't mind a short relationship, but it better sweep me off my feet. I will not rush in, because this is not play for me, it is something that I want for a lifestyle. I get great sex at home. I want a complement to that. Finding the fit is the problem! I need to be patient, which is extremely difficult for me to do. Ahh, the lessons of life: to teach us to be a better person.

Yes my life is stranger than fiction (certainly just as juicy). What I find funny, is that people are surprised that I haven't already "done it" or haven't been at this with men for a long time. Guess what?! I can do it, had the offers, but I choose not to do it. I am in Charge of this too! I thought I might just want to get it over with, to start with. Just jump in so that I could be more relaxed and get over the nervousness of being with a man, but my intellect makes me pause and reflect. Just like I waited to be with a man before, so I will again. It is my nature. I am hoping that good things come to those who wait.

I'm waiting!!!!!!!!

and in the meantime...I will accept that my life will be stranger than fiction.

School's Out

Ahhh summer vacation. I remember being a kid and thinking how great summer vacation would be!

Now I am an adult, and I am thinking...What summer vacation? The job keeps going, the bills keep coming, and as for going somewhere (in this economy?).

Summer vacation was good for me for about 3 days. I tend to be a restless soul. I have to keep active or I go Loco! My friends and family always comment on what a nerd I am, since I loved summer school, band camp and the such. I really did love it, but that was before everything became about remediation. I took sewing and cooking, Spanish, aeronautics/airplanes, Indian lore, piano, guitar, drama, etc. It was fantastic for me. The band camps were fun too. I got to play my flute, which I love to do, while meeting new people from all over. Since I travelled more than 10 hours away to various camps, it was an added benefit to leave my family. My favorite part was running all over town with my friends, or hanging out at my or their pool.

Kids now don't "hang out" much anymore. Every second seems to be calculated and planned. My kids can't just hang out here. It is either about 112 degree heat, 50mph winds, long distances between friends, or...that keeps them inside and "bored". We do have many things for them to do, but I worry about the isolation. My eldest son has a car, so he can pick up and see friends whenever he wants, pretty much.

The younger son can meet with friends when I go to work. A lot of them live in the town where I work. He also likes to do his "own thing" music, games, manga, etc. He always goes into his room and disappears: teenager. He comes out for meals and movies, but that is about it.

My youngest, a daughter, is a resident of her own fantasy world. We get to visit, but it is quite involved. This may be from the isolation, but my youngest son did this too. Joe thinks it is a product from us. Both Joe and I lived in our fantasy worlds when we were younger. Our daughter carries on the tradition and "runs with it". She has trouble making and keeping friends, because of her complicated games and such. I know that summer vacation will be a chore to "keep her busy". She is her mama's daughter! She is loving Vacation Bible School this week. She loves that they are pretending to go to Rome and the Underground church. They wear costumes and react villages and such of that time. Perfect for her. She is almost mute when she is there, but the car ride home has her chatting about it all and she recreates it at home. I believe she is studying every detail, while she is there. She processes it in silence, so that she captures every nuance. She gets quite irritated with me if I am near her or talk to her. Such an interesting little sprite. I get quite irritated when she wants to share it with me, and I am busy. So, I guess we are even.

School's Out...Let Life begin. That is how I see it. I won't change my mind. It really is a shame, that school doesn't let us experience more of the fun of life. Learning is Fun; it should be year round! Fun can get monotonous too. Why not mix the two? Why take a vacation from one or the other? Ah, but this is another discussion, for another day!

In a land far far away

I was thinking about my friend Anne, who just moved to Australia. She lived in Washington state when I first met her (only a few months ago). It is strange to think that we have not know each other very long, but we get on so well together. Lately I have been working long hours and she has been catching up with her man. This makes it hard for us to chat...that and the time difference. I miss the times we chat, and look forward to the next opportunity.

This friendship, and many of my other new friendships illustrate to me, that distance does not limit the depth one can feel for another human being. Of course, the fact that we have met in person and spent time together helps to better know each other. I am pretty sure that I would not have become as close to Anne, if I had not met her. I enjoy meeting the people I meet online. It gives me a better reference point to the actual tone and person. I can see how the Internet thing becomes addictive. I am able to chat with others, that I have more in common with, than the people around here. the only difference is, that they are brought to me via a remote tool.

Is our interaction changed because of it? Maybe, maybe not. I think that I would still be friends with these people, because they are honest and open with me. If someone is not honest and open, then the words are the depth of that relationship, and that is not very deep.

Fairy tales begin with...In a land far far away. For me, it's just my new friends, and it feels real.