Stranger than Fiction

Today, I reflect on a most unusual meeting I had yesterday. It makes me think of the Will Farrell movie, "Stranger than Fiction". When I saw that in the movie theater with my son, I had the distinct feeling that I was enjoying it way more than the people in the room with me. This happens quite often, actually. Especially if the movie is ironic or on the odd side.

I love the story of the character going through his life in narration. The woman who is a writer is trapped to find an ending for her character, and the man, who is the character is able to hear her narrating what he is currently doing. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it. It's one of my favorites. I think he is trapped by living a life directed not by his wishes, but almost as if directed from the wishes of someone else. This only relates to me, in that my life has some of the farcical incidents like his did: unexpected and strange, yet it flows and so does he.

Yesterday, I went to meet with a man that I have chatted online with for a while. We met under the pretense of chat only. I answered his ad on this, cause I was looking to chat with just a normal non-sex seeking male. I guess to balance the ones I had been talking with to "find as a partner". Well after some innocuous short chats, this guy suggested we meet. If you don't know by now, I pretty much feel comfortable with "whatever" and agreed. I found it interesting that I was not in a state of excitement over this meeting, like I had been with the others. It did not make me all hot and bothered and I was unclear whether it was going to be a sex meeting or what. I was most nervous to have him see me naked, cause he is a triathlete. He had sent me a picture with an impressive display of very minimal body fat. Okay, I know I am buxom and rather fleshy, but I never felt particularly embarrassed like this before. That continued through our meeting as well; I guess because I can't wrap my head around a fitness person enjoying fat. It would be like a vegetarian dating a carnivore. I just don't get how the two combine.

This man was very polite and quite relaxed. He took care of himself and his surroundings. As we talked, like an interview kind of, I found out that he is a dominant himself (with women). He had hinted at that in one of our chats, I think, but I did not realize he was as much a dominant as me. I found this interesting. We compared notes on the way we liked things and how we thought and acted. I only became aroused when I was describing my favorite thing I like to do to Joe. It was erotic to describe the little game I play with Joe and that reminder of our game made me tingle. I find it interesting that I felt like this guy was more like my brother than would be a lover. Of course the sensualist in me would "do him" just to see what it was like, but the realist in me realizes that this would be more of an experiment just to see what he was like, without emotion. I "did" a fit marine when I was younger and fit myself, but that feels like a lifetime ago. I loved to hold his muscular arms and chest, but then it was about sex. Now it would be, just cause I could.

I realized that in that meeting. I don't want just the sex, okay I do, but not in that way. I am really seeking a relationship of sorts. I want to feel something for the other man. I want him to adore and cherish me. The clincher of it all, that I discovered, is not how long this lasts, but the intensity of it. I am an extremely intense person. I am like a strong and sudden wind. I need that intensity back. All these men who "roam" are not interested in relationships and intensity. They seem to want quick and easy. I don't mind a short relationship, but it better sweep me off my feet. I will not rush in, because this is not play for me, it is something that I want for a lifestyle. I get great sex at home. I want a complement to that. Finding the fit is the problem! I need to be patient, which is extremely difficult for me to do. Ahh, the lessons of life: to teach us to be a better person.

Yes my life is stranger than fiction (certainly just as juicy). What I find funny, is that people are surprised that I haven't already "done it" or haven't been at this with men for a long time. Guess what?! I can do it, had the offers, but I choose not to do it. I am in Charge of this too! I thought I might just want to get it over with, to start with. Just jump in so that I could be more relaxed and get over the nervousness of being with a man, but my intellect makes me pause and reflect. Just like I waited to be with a man before, so I will again. It is my nature. I am hoping that good things come to those who wait.

I'm waiting!!!!!!!!

and in the meantime...I will accept that my life will be stranger than fiction.

School's Out

Ahhh summer vacation. I remember being a kid and thinking how great summer vacation would be!

Now I am an adult, and I am thinking...What summer vacation? The job keeps going, the bills keep coming, and as for going somewhere (in this economy?).

Summer vacation was good for me for about 3 days. I tend to be a restless soul. I have to keep active or I go Loco! My friends and family always comment on what a nerd I am, since I loved summer school, band camp and the such. I really did love it, but that was before everything became about remediation. I took sewing and cooking, Spanish, aeronautics/airplanes, Indian lore, piano, guitar, drama, etc. It was fantastic for me. The band camps were fun too. I got to play my flute, which I love to do, while meeting new people from all over. Since I travelled more than 10 hours away to various camps, it was an added benefit to leave my family. My favorite part was running all over town with my friends, or hanging out at my or their pool.

Kids now don't "hang out" much anymore. Every second seems to be calculated and planned. My kids can't just hang out here. It is either about 112 degree heat, 50mph winds, long distances between friends, or...that keeps them inside and "bored". We do have many things for them to do, but I worry about the isolation. My eldest son has a car, so he can pick up and see friends whenever he wants, pretty much.

The younger son can meet with friends when I go to work. A lot of them live in the town where I work. He also likes to do his "own thing" music, games, manga, etc. He always goes into his room and disappears: teenager. He comes out for meals and movies, but that is about it.

My youngest, a daughter, is a resident of her own fantasy world. We get to visit, but it is quite involved. This may be from the isolation, but my youngest son did this too. Joe thinks it is a product from us. Both Joe and I lived in our fantasy worlds when we were younger. Our daughter carries on the tradition and "runs with it". She has trouble making and keeping friends, because of her complicated games and such. I know that summer vacation will be a chore to "keep her busy". She is her mama's daughter! She is loving Vacation Bible School this week. She loves that they are pretending to go to Rome and the Underground church. They wear costumes and react villages and such of that time. Perfect for her. She is almost mute when she is there, but the car ride home has her chatting about it all and she recreates it at home. I believe she is studying every detail, while she is there. She processes it in silence, so that she captures every nuance. She gets quite irritated with me if I am near her or talk to her. Such an interesting little sprite. I get quite irritated when she wants to share it with me, and I am busy. So, I guess we are even.

School's Out...Let Life begin. That is how I see it. I won't change my mind. It really is a shame, that school doesn't let us experience more of the fun of life. Learning is Fun; it should be year round! Fun can get monotonous too. Why not mix the two? Why take a vacation from one or the other? Ah, but this is another discussion, for another day!

In a land far far away

I was thinking about my friend Anne, who just moved to Australia. She lived in Washington state when I first met her (only a few months ago). It is strange to think that we have not know each other very long, but we get on so well together. Lately I have been working long hours and she has been catching up with her man. This makes it hard for us to chat...that and the time difference. I miss the times we chat, and look forward to the next opportunity.

This friendship, and many of my other new friendships illustrate to me, that distance does not limit the depth one can feel for another human being. Of course, the fact that we have met in person and spent time together helps to better know each other. I am pretty sure that I would not have become as close to Anne, if I had not met her. I enjoy meeting the people I meet online. It gives me a better reference point to the actual tone and person. I can see how the Internet thing becomes addictive. I am able to chat with others, that I have more in common with, than the people around here. the only difference is, that they are brought to me via a remote tool.

Is our interaction changed because of it? Maybe, maybe not. I think that I would still be friends with these people, because they are honest and open with me. If someone is not honest and open, then the words are the depth of that relationship, and that is not very deep.

Fairy tales begin with...In a land far far away. For me, it's just my new friends, and it feels real.

Yes, We are Open!

The problem with opening one's self up to others, is that you become open for them to get inside.

I have a man who is the complement to me.  We are most happy when we are together.  Well, except when we argue, like we did just a minute ago.  It was over the most ludicrous thing: getting hay.  I must say that I was miffed that he, like most men, focus on just one thing.  He doesn't realize that when he insists on his way, I get pissy.  It happens repeatedly, he resists in exactly the same way repeatedly, and I react the same way repeatedly.  The funny part is that it almost never happens.  But when it does, it is the focus of the moment because it so "out of character" in our relationship.

I have had a lot of "out of character" moments lately.  People tend to view me as the rule follower, the honest one, the good girl; which is basically me.  They know of my impish ways, but still act shocked if I swear or do "naughty things".  A friend recently lost her train of thought with me because I used the word Bastard in an IM.  She even replied how shocked she was.  This was in a first conversation on the computer, with a friend that I have known since 6th grade.  Believe it or not, in 33 years, she had not really heard me swear like that and was shocked.  I am sure she has heard swear words before, but I was not seen to use them and so this out of character behavior actually made her fall out of her chair.  (If she only knew...I bet if she really knew me, she would faint).  I don't hide myself, I just don't let people "in" to the places I don't think they can handle.  

Most of that is starting to disappear.  I am consciously choosing to be myself, whatever the cost.  Risky?  Yes, I think so.  

Detrimental?  No, I think not.

I am type A personality (that's what others tell me).  I have great stress and angst over social constraints, success levels, and how I am perceived.  Tell me if that is healthy!  

Through Joe, the one person on earth who comes closest to sharing the unfiltered me, I have been given the greatest gift of all.  True acceptance and love for who I am.  No pretension, no spin.  I can even be the very worst person in the world (well, we know this is not possible; it's just hypothetical), and Joe will still love the core person I am.  We love and accept each other for who we are at this core.  I may not like that he wore a shirt with a hole at belly level and was unshaven and dirty to the final spring concert of the year, where every family in the community I work with was in attendance.  (Can you tell how I feel about that?)  But that act by him does not define the person he is inside.  Go ahead and argue that it does if you want to focus on the fact that he doesn't care about fashion, he is passive resistant, or any other bloody argument about his actions.  But, that is so far below the radar.  It was about my perceptions of the situation that bother ME, not him.  He did not do anything wrong.  I perceived it as wrong.

Joe is bothered when I am upset.  He may or may not like that I do not say sorry very often.  I tend to let things go, because I focus on other things fairly soon.  He has learned that I am mad quickly and passionately, and then I am over it.  He "handles" me well.  He does not engage in the trivial.  Because he does not "ego" fight with me, we almost never quarrel.  His devotion to me makes it so easy to have a relationship without stress and fuss.  I feel truly blessed to have met and married him.  He is good for me.  We both perceive that we will put the other partner first. Our general MO is love and truth and acceptance.

This has spoiled me, to other men.  I expect them to be as good as Joe.  Well, now I don't.  I am learning what I have forgotten for so long.  People do not always have your best interests in mind.  I am re-learning quickly that no one can ever be truly aware of another person's nature and intent.

I have posted on the website that I now help moderate.  I guess, people see me in a certain light.  Because I did not measure up to the perception of other people, when I disclosed things that they thought were contradictory to other parts of my life, I was judged.  That is okay by me.  Ridiculous, but okay.  I have not change the basic ME that I am.  

I bring this up as the point to illustrate why I think that I am mad at the "new men in my life".  The Internet has made it so we don't ever truly know the ME that the other person is in real life.  I may get off on chatting with a guy that is young and tall.  I garnered it from picture he sent me.  But, in reality, it could be anyone and so what if it is.  The reality of the situation is that this relation is one dimensional; only as honest as the people who are in it.  It could be him, it could not be him.  The other guy, who may or may not read this, is not  clear about what he wants.  I thought there was great potential for us, and there still may be.  But, I don't feel I will ever know him and he will never know me, until we meet.  

This one dimension also exists in our daily face to face relationships.  We present ourselves like the paper dolls I used to play with as a girl.  We are flat and one dimensional.  We may change the outfits and the surroundings, but we never get to see the "back story" of the doll.  We keep ourselves closed off, to protect the delicate self we hide inside.   It is scary to place yourself open for ridicule and displeasure.  How harmful it is to a child to be vulnerable and then have a teacher/parent/ friend/ lover say we are wrong or not good enough.  We do this to each other all the time (me too, on occasion).  Eventually, we have the pasted on smile of the paper doll on our face.  Keeping our self safe, but unsatisfied.

I welcome dissension, even though it is tough on my nature to do so.  If I am stirring the pot a bit, that is okay.  At least I will have a life lived fully, passionately, and hopefully, honestly. 

I am opening myself up to the possibilities of grandness, but will have to take the crap that goes with it, until I find what I am looking for. 

I open myself and am dissappointed in others.  Although I won't be gullible, I will need to open myself up to others as well.  I will take them as they are, and will not judge them unfairly, because I do not want to be judged unfairly.  I will only doubt, when given cause to doubt.  I will accept things as they are, not what I wish them to be.  And I will remember that opening yourself up to another as you truly are, can be the scariest thing a human can ever do, but also the most rewarding.

Mondays are Sundays

 I love Mondays! I know that a lot of people do not particularly like Mondays, because they have to go back to work, but the rules don't apply to me.  I work in a library that is open Tuesday through Saturday.  My weekend is Sunday and Monday.  Thus, I enjoy the benefit of a day of rest when others go frantic.

My lovely husband always takes the kids to school on Mondays so I can sleep in later.  I usually get up when they are just leaving 7am.  Since I wake fairly early and stay up late, this is a luxury.  He makes my coffee for me, or has it sitting out ready for me to drink, or I just have to heat it up in the microwave.  I really am spoiled...but there is more.

When Joe returns, he usually will make me a hot cooked breakfast.  We have chickens, so he scrambles some fresh eggs and includes toast.  This week was awesome, because he included fresh fruit as well.  Ahhhh, life is good.    After he eats, he settles down to do paperwork at home, which is computerized and a pain, since it is transmitted by fax and computer, or something.  My favorite parts are his breaks.

When he is done working, and before the kids come home, we make time for each other.  Monday madness is my mantra (nice alliteration, huh?).  Lately, we have been supercharged because of the extra curricular activities we have chosen to engage in: adding people to our repertoire, sort of speak.  Joe is massively charged up with the idea of me with other men.  He gives me permission to open my sexual side to "play" with men.  We have been in contact with two different men.  Even if they do not work out, this will probably be an activity that will occur this year.  Both of us are super "hot" from this contact with others.  The instant messenger is a great tool to rev us up.

I have enjoyed talking with these men online in real time.  The type of things we talk about are sexual in nature.  What is interesting, is that both of them would want to be with me, with the full support and knowledge of my husband.  This was out of the realm of what I thought would be normal, but somehow it just "is".  I like to call all three men, "my sick puppies".  I love it!  They all get off on the other "getting theirs".  Strangely enough, it excites me too.  I think that is because my husband is so turned on by this possibility, that it doesn't seem weird or odd.  I also fantasize quite a bit myself.  I am not sure which one will be the one to be with me, but even if it never happens with either of them, we are having a blast.

The older of the two men is quite graphic in what we would be doing.  It is nice to think of the ways and times that we would be together.  I find myself daydreaming of the ways that he would have sex with me.  I did not ever feel that I was missing anything with Joe sexually.  Now, I have begun to think of the ways that this other man can satisfy me.  It is like bringing in a plumber or electrician to complete difficult tasks that Joe just can't do.  It is almost as simple as that.  Joe is not physically able to do certain things sexually.  This other man is willing to do those things with me.  Although many lengthy performances are promised, we will see if they come to fruition.  This is another of those areas where Joe has experienced difficulties.  I have challenged the new guy to please me in this manner; let's see if he can rise to the occasion.  I have only had one lover who could satisfy me by cumming when I wanted.  All the others cum much too soon for my tastes.  I have heard that it is from the way I am built. The men get too excited too fast from my anatomy.   But, I wonder, there are so many jokes about men who don't last long, I think it may be the norm.

The younger man is a 27 year old who would like an older woman to "train him".  I was doubtful of his intentions at first.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt, because I enjoy his company very much.  I am learning what it would be like to train a man.  I lucked out with Joe, someone had trained him before I got him.  I wish I could thank her; she did a great job.  I am getting a rare opportunity to see what a young/ single girl might go through.  I believe this will give me great insight to many things about FLR's and particularly with an untrained man who wishes to serve.  By the way, don't rain on my parade; I will treat him as if he is sincere.  I am okay with whatever direction this relationship takes.  We are consenting adults.  My boy toy was great for my Monday too.

Both Joe and I thought about this boy toy.  Joe was with me as I chatted with my new trainee last night.  The thought of him in bed with me as Joe lay on a cot outside our door sent Joe to a whole new place.  Look for his blog for details.  I imagined my gorgeous little boy pleasing me as my bull and had some great orgasms.  Thanks is all I can say to him.  What a treat to rev up our sex life even more.  We have great sexual encounters, but the Aussie boy sent us to tantra levels today.  I just can't stop smiling.  You should see Joe!

So, when you are having an especially difficult Monday...don't call me.  I may just want to "rub it in" about my Mondays!

I can tell that things are changing.

I don't believe there is only one way of doing or thinking. I also rebel against injustice and pigeonholing. But the societal constraints of my life have been pulling me for some time. I also care what others think (deep down) and will often arrange my behavior to fit the group. I have chosen to pursue a career that typically demands model behavior. Working with children and teens makes me watch my P's and Q's.

Luckily, or by design, I chose to work part time for the rest of my life. If anyone has a problem with my behavior, I would just slip away. I know that I would be judged "unfit" to work with kids, but like any consenting adult should, my private life is private. I don't feel the need to tell the community I work in, what my private details are. I am aware that it is easy to judge that which we do not understand. Heck, it's even easy to judge what we do understand. Unfortunately, like all scandals in the press and society, we just blow things out of proportion. Hopefully, I will be allowed to be me and still be the "old me". I am one and the same; it is just the information that others know that is different. People will place their values on my life and I will be weighed.

I have always had definite opinions of my own. I just try not to judge too harshly, the ones I may or may not see eye to eye. I am always pushing my own boundaries and doing everything I always said "I'd never do". Sometimes it is as innocuous as dying my hair, so the gray won't show. Sometimes it is as wild as opening up my marriage to other men. Either action is something I was convinced at one time I wouldn't do. Now don't get me wrong, there are boundaries that I will never cross. This is certain. But the ones' that become opportunities rather than absolutes are up for negotiations.

I plan on changing quite a few things in the future. I want to move out of California. I have for some time. I do not like how the state is run and how expensive things are here. I want a different pace and a different kind of people. I have lived in San Diego County since 1970. I feel like I only have the one perspective of life; almost an ethnocentric perspective, of Southern Californians. I have travelled a little, so I know that people in different states can act a little differently than here. I would like the perspective of my life to shift to what I think is important, and often that is a non California type of view and focus. My parents determined where I would grow up and live. Circumstance determined that I would stay here. And ultimately, I believe that if I want to own my life, I will need to leave the area I grew up in, to find a place that I really want to be. I guess one could argue that we should be happy where we are, at that moment, but what is wrong with finding the place that would lift your soul and give you the freedom to be who we really want to be. That is what I seek. I am not running away or seeking, I am trying to actively determine what would work best for my man and I. The hard thing is...what if I choose "wrong".

Welcome to the world of the average man. I will be making the decision of what and where we should be, but I truly do not enjoy the pressure of bad decisions. I construct a life where I do not regret many former actions. I am not overly cautious nor overly disregarding of responsibility; just very careful to see the positives and negatives. Oh, and my husband would probably say, I over analyse everything to the point of ridiculousness.  It is a skill and a source of amusement to all my friends.  Just like I have quick wit, I am quick to think of 20 billion things from a single comment.  The trail of how I got there always baffles people when I am asked.  My room-mate from college, who knows me fairly well, will once in awhile stop me and ask how I got from point a to point b.  She says that she can usually follow the path, but is stumped this time.  When I tell her the progression, she gets it and follows what I am talking about.  

Yes, therefore, I have a continual inner conversation with myself.  It won't shut off.  That is why I am enjoying the blog and the website.  I love the brain exercise.  I love to exchange ideas and learn new and different ways of thinking.

I started this yesterday, before all my computer issues.  I will end here because I tire of trying to figure out where it was going.

let me start with something new later.

Up in Smoke

Gosh, I am silly, but I always have a sound track or reference to something else going on in my head. Today, I have the Cheech and Chong album in my head to refer to here. This is how I feel in a way. "Up in smoke" is the first thing that popped into my head when I opened the blog page to post.



No, it's not about marijuana. It's about a couple of things that relate to this name. First, it is about feeling like being on drugs. One thing I didn't expect so much about pursuing a sexual/friendship relationship with another man, was the endorphin rushes. Even Joe is feeling them.

I swear, I am experiencing a high unlike any other. I think about sex with this other man. I go crazy with desire for my husband. The whole feeling is so hard to describe. My body is literally humming with the need for sexual fulfillment. This must be why so many people "cheat". It is exciting and alluring. The only bad part about it, is that it distracts me. I could easily float through my day before. Now I obsess in my need for sexual fantasy and touch. I must say, that Joe is receiving a healthy dose of attention at this point, so he isn't exactly upset. He is actually going through a similar kind of reaction. It is like a drug that we need to have, desire to have, and continue to seek. Although I love the "highs", I do not like some of the side effects. I lose some control over myself, because I want it so much and so often. I am almost turning myself over to it. I just randomly think of the anticipated meeting, I get wet at very weird times, I find myself walking differently and being more flirtatious. I smile like the Mona Lisa at times, and the Cheshire Cat at others. It is like being crazy. Good, but out of control.



The other point of "Up in Smoke" is the fact that he could disappear and/or it is all smoke and mirrors. The fact of the matter is, this second man could walk away right now. He could be just yanking my chain like the Aussie boy. We won't be meeting for a month. While it is fun, it could be just that. Will it really happen? It could go up in smoke at any point! I will wait and see. I have an optimistic and a realistic side. I think that my mindset is influenced by the fact that so many men I meet are unreliable. Oh my gosh, they just want beat-off material. That is not my goal, although I do admit, that part is pretty yummy. The other part of going up in smoke would be if this guy had a family, other relationships, or something like that. I am not exactly willing to be patient in this area. The smoke would then be from my "dragon flames" of anger. (remember, I take things ad nauseum...it is a skill). If I were to be duped, I would walk away graciously( I think), but god help the next man...I hope he likes pain, because I would inflict it.



I think my favorite part of the Up in Smoke analogy, would be the naughtiness that album represents. I remember being at a friends house (Tammy Spicer . I still remember her name) for a sleep over. We were in grade school, but she had an older brother in High School. He owned that album (vinyl record) and we listened to with great interest. It had drugs, sex (if the van is a rockin'/don't come a knockin'). Heady stuff for elementary school girls. It is tame now, but at the time, it was risque. That is how my current life is now. Risque is my middle name!



People can't imagine what I am thinking and doing. It is certainly a wild roller coaster of emotions. At the end of the day, I wouldn't change it. I just wish I could control it. It is the wisp of smoke that I see...eventually it will fade away. For now, I will just watch it's untouchable shape float in the air. I try to appreciate it's flowing beautiful form before it vaporizes to nothing but air. If I am lucky, the smoke will remain and if I am really lucky, I will control it and make smoke rings or other odd shapes.



but for one last ad nauseum... I mostly feel like it is just smoke blown up my ass. Who knows what it really is!