To Live Like You Were Dying

I don't really anticipate how often I should write down my thoughts, for now, I shall write when the spirit moves me.

I watched a movie yesterday and it keeps calling back to me for reflection. Be advised, if you have no desire to visit the topic of suicide, do not read any further...

The DVD I watched was called, The Bridge. Someone I only know in passing suggested that I watch this intriguing movie. I work in a library, so we often share movie and book recommendations. It is a documentary film set at the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fransisco, Ca. My interest was piqued, but I was equally disturbed at the thought of watching this. The crew filmed for 1 year, at the bridge, and had documented actual suicide jumps. I was told that the families would also be sharing with the crew, their stories. I have always been curious about suicides. How could these people override the self preservation drive that all of us possess? What drives them to commit this final act of desperation?

I guess that this topic has been in mind for some time. I think that the first death of someone our family knew that I can remember, involved a suicide. I remember that first funeral I attended. I was in grade school at the time. The look of the funeral parlor, the limos lined up outside, getting dressed up for something that was not a party, is still an image I can see. I remember the hushed whispers about this young man's life. "I heard it involved drugs, how the family must feel about it, and so on. I felt the sense of shame the family was either feeling or subjected to at the time. I think he must have been in his 20's, so everyone commented that it was "such a waste", so "cruel to his family". None of this was discussed with me directly, but it is amazing what people discuss in front of children who they think will not understand or they do not acknowledge. Of course in those days, we never would have spoken up in a conversation of adults and felt that we were equals in the discussion. Ah, but that is another topic, for another day.

Of course one hears of suicides in the press, but direct contact has a different feel to it. The next exposure I had, was when I was in college. Going to UCSD was a big change for me. Even though I lived only about a 20 minute drive away by freeway, it was a completely different life. The people here are intense! The first question I received, before my name even, from meeting someone at freshman orientation was "What was your SAT score"? What???? Not "hi", "where are you from" etc. Unlike many, I would consider myself a "happy academic". I pursue knowledge, but not at the cost of happiness. I was not in the top ten grade earners at my school, the ones who were, were my friends. I preferred to "have a life" and brush elbows and minds with the elite. My friends all knew I could, "do better", but had no intent of putting myself out more than the top 10% of my class (to earn honor grad). So imagine my surprise, when we heard that a UCSD freshman had jumped out his window at Tioga hall, one of the tallest buildings on campus, to his death. What? I mean college is tough, but, "WHAT"???

The part we focused on was so silly. After he jumped, his body crushed a few bikes that were locked down below in the bike racks. We were thinking that it would be a bummer to come out and see your bike all smashed up and knowing how it got that way. We did not really think about who saw this, his family, or an direct impact, because we were on a different campus. It was someone from Muir, not Revelle. Heck, how could it be that bad over there...it was Muir: the more liberal arts, easier school. We all moved on without really thinking about it.

Then, it happened again next quarter . Grades came out and so did the news. A young man got up very early one morning; still dressed in pajamas, he made his way outside onto one of the grassy bumps outside the lecture halls, took an overdose of pills and lay down to die. When he was discovered by other students, the news travelled like wildfire. He had gotten his very first B in his academic career and felt that his life was over. WHAT???? Some of us would kill to have a B in our classes, like Revelle writing for instance. I couldn't wrap my mind around this one. His quiet act of desperation affected me more than the other event. He left this "reason", if you can call it that, in a letter to his family. I was studying, socializing, partying even, while this young man went through this unnecessary turmoil over an arbitrary grade.

After this, the topic of suicide was all over campus. We even found out that it was not unusual for this to happen here. Kids that were used to being #1, could not cope with second place. The pressure was too great, for some. I just did not get it. I enjoyed my classes, but man, study breaks were great! Wild escapades with friends were better. And, if you were getting at least a 3.0 at one of the top institutions in the country, weren't you on the top of the heap already? We found out that the suicides were not always from failure. A few of the students had set themselves on fire in Revelle plaza. During the war in the 60's/70's, they felt so strongly about stopping the war involvement, they calmly poured gasoline over themselves, sat down and then lit themselves on fire. WHAT????!!!! If you knew me, I am very passionate about a lot of topics, but not to the point of hurting myself. I guess that some point was made by these people, because we were still talking about these handful of students who had done this.

I believe the next incident of suicide was when I was just out of college. My ex-boyfriend's father called me late one night, which seemed very odd. We were not close, even when I dated his son. He wanted to know if I knew where his son was, and/or could I get in contact with him. At this point, he told me that his wife had died. I called everyone that might have known where he was. I finally left word on a phone message machine at the computer lab he worked at, that he should call me as soon as possible. When I spoke with him the next day, I said that I wanted to meet with him in person. He said no and then blurted out, "is my mother dead"? I could not believe that jump. I did not know what to say. So I stumbled around and then whispered, yes. I think at that point he said "I knew it" or something like that. I suggested that he get in touch with me, if he needed anything.

The strangest thing happened later. Our group of friends from college and a couple from high school gathered at the house of this family. The family did not seem to mourn in the traditional way. They were running about as if it were a party. They brought out sodas, chips/dip etc. Needless to say, we all looked at each other like we were at a party with fully clothed people and we were naked. What the heck was going on? The next part shocked us even more, the family of the deceased, decided to go for mini-golfing. Our group chose not to go. This did not seem normal in the least. Their mother, the wife of the man, had just died two nights before and they were going to mini golf?! We were more saddened than the family was appearing to be.
We knew something was up. Afterwards, our friend explained that his mother, who was a nurse professionally, had suffered more of late with her lupus condition. When his brother came home from high school one day, he found his mother dead. She had, I still do not know how, taken her own life. This at least explained some of the odd behavior. My friend suspecting death, their strange way of coping with it. I'll tie this incident in with my movie discussion later.

If you are still reading, thanks for bearing with the background. The movie shows actual people jumping to their deaths and some of the family's talking about their loved one's lives. Common threads were loss, depression, thoughts of suicide before, and mental illness. In many ways, they play out in classical ways, but not all. The surprising part of this, is the fact that I can still see the faces/person that has jumped in my mind. The way they die is not gory per se, which makes it easier to watch. The unexpected part of this movie is some of them feeling that this is great release or relief. The other unexpected part of this movie, is that the Filmers could not really tell who was going to jump. They scanned the bridge for "suspicious" behavior. Many that they filmed did the exact behaviors that jumpers did and did not jump. Some jumpers appeared "normal" and then did it. One man talking and laughing on his cell phone with someone, just sets it down and goes.

Whether you consider this a sin or not, I am still intrigued by this. My Sociologist/Education ways can not fully put this down to understanding. I have felt all that these people have gone through, barring the severe mental illness, at times and so have most people. They could or would not recover from it. I invite you to watch this film as a study. I do not feel it is for young people to watch, but can be discussed. What I take away from this, is my ever present desire to reach out to others. To be ever vigilant to touch the life of someone who may need the connection and hope of something better out there. I also understand the relief and celebration of the life that a family may feel after their loved one has done this. I certainly feel the grief and loss that others experience. I know that my reflection on this type of topic always helps me to live my life in more fulfilled manner.

So now I go out in the world to "Seize the Day" and to make a difference in someone's life (and especially my own).
Queen2Joey