Friday, July 24, 2009

A mental/physical health day

what to post, what to post?????

I have been online all day, doing various things: posting, watching movies, chatting, research, etc. I am weary of mind and fingers. Some might see it as a wasted day of nothingness. I know it is the eye of the storm.

I was going back and forth to "town" this week. A journey of windy roads and at least an hour and a half drive each way, even more. It is made worse by the fact the air conditioning does not work in our vehicle and the minimum temp is 98 and the max is 112 degrees. I am travel weary.

Tomorrow is one of my long work days. I am in charge and have events to coordinate as well as run the regular tasks of my work. It will be crazy. I am not usually in charge of the whole schebang, but with vacation schedules, I am indeed in charge.

So today was the rest and relaxation before and after my crazy life. I love these days as I do them, but even I think...what the heck did I do all day. I needed to slow down and enjoy nothing once in awhile. I did.
Off I go tomorrow...vroom vroom...warp speed ahead!!!!

no scintillating details, but hey, that's what you get when you don't really do much of anything.

ah, I can only imagine what my future will hold. can you?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Man, I feel like a Woman

I have been thinking, as I always do and cannot stop (tee-hee), about the differences between men and women. I have been one to be the "good girl" in life. This is a result of my upbringing, religion, desire to be judged favorably, and many more factors that basically place me above reproach. My current situation has me thinking of myself in the category of the traditional single male. I am finding myself regarding sex as only sex.

Okay, it is actually more complicated than that, but I am not attributing sex to the end all romantic version of "I have to be in love" to do it. I love my husband and I give that kind of love to him. The sex I have with myguy is great, but it is indeed different. There is no mistaking that we are fond of one another, but until we decided what we truly want from each other, it is just sex.

I have only been in this non-dreamy state a few times in my life. And, interestingly enough, it is during my strong assertive woman periods. I go on "the hunt" as we gals used to call it. We have fun but not necessarily attach to a man. It is not unlike the behavior we saw in many of our male friends that "played the field". The reason I think I am in this mindset now, is that I am open to the possibilities to find the correct fit for my relationship with my husband and another man. I do not want to exclude a possible fit with any man I am currently talking to, but I don't want to yet put myself in a vulnerable or dreamy state. This undertaking is being done logically and deliberately. If I was to muddle the waters with emotion, I might make the wrong decision. That my friends is what would be considered the thinking of a man.

But, I most decidedly am a woman. I want it all. I want a fit for both myself and my husband and the new man. I want the man to be devoted to me. We can all have our own lives and be separate, but when we are together, I want focus. Truth and Commitment, in whatever form that takes, is paramount. I also want great sex and romance. See, I told you, all woman!
I also haven't felt the need to discuss the sexual details of my relationship (unlike my lovely subhub). That is also the woman in me. I could blow your socks off with the details...but why? I see no need to tell those details, but will bore you with the minute details of almost any other part of my life. We girls only save the juicy stuff for other girls. Weird, but true.

Okay, here are some details, cause I realize I never give titillation in my blogs. It's good...really, really (just keep going) good. I have not had sex like this since...never. I had really great sex with my first true love and he is the benchmark for all other men since. Although none came even close to him. He could last as long as I wanted, drove me crazy and then would cum on command. Unfortunately for me, he was the first guy after my first sex with another guy (long story) so I thought all sex was like this. Big news! uh uh. All sex after that was pretty much a 2 minute dash or less. I had no idea. Now I know why all the jokes about sex have to do with quick performance: it's true for the most part. Sure you luck out once in awhile and win the extended play version. But, most times it's over so soon you better hope you got some good foreplay before hand. Otherwise, you are staring at the ceiling saying to yourself...what just happened there, was it a drive by F***. Of course it is all still good, you just want more. Oh, by the way, sorry if it is harsh...just ask a woman and she would probably agree with me.

My husband and I have fun in so many other ways, with Kink and Tenderness too. Our sexual play is fantastic! I just don't get that crazy sex vaginally with a real penis. So, we sought to find that as well. Oh my gosh! It does exist. Myguy can bang away for 2 hours and not cum. We also were quite athletic and went in all kinds of positions. My subhub loves that. He knows that this is what I like and although he wishes to give me that, he can't. He feels stimulated rather than lessened by my new coupling. He and I had the best orgasm after my last meeting with myguy: go figure. I have the devoted guy at home and the hot sex. I am indeed a lucky gal.

I also am like the guy, cause these two men orbit around me a bit. It was weird, but good, when the three of us sat down to eat together. I was the common ground (so to speak) and they were both waiting for my direction and decisions. I liked that dynamic, but did not like the awkward pauses that would occur if I sat back and waited for them to speak. I was "the man" and said where to eat, when to go, and how it all went down. Well, that is actually the woman in me, but I just use this as an example of how a Domme woman is more like the traditional idea of a man.

I am like the traditional woman in that I am not telling myguy how to have sex with me or playing specific sex games. I want to be swept off my feet and have a more traditional sex relationship to begin with, at first. I believe that as I get to know my new partner and we trust each other, the rest will follow. That is how I have always lead my sex relationships.

Okay, now I am really going all woman, babbling about little. I will end here and let out the details that I am off to meet Bachelor #2. We might just meet for drinks/lunch or we might meet for more. Either way...Man, I feel like a woman.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Taking a spin around Fantasyland

I was reading my wonderful subhub's blog and found that while I was enjoying myself, he was like Tinkerbell: flying around in Fantasyland. His comments about what he could do while I was in town with myguy, cracked me up. I could have him do this or that so he could happily pass his time was rather surprising. I wanted to relieve his pent up frustrations, not open the phone-lines to the all request pleasure hour.

I am really going to have to think about this one. Okay, done thinking. NOT!
I will choose his rewards and punishments. That is the deal. I do think he needs some release. I was amazed that he did not masturbate to culmination, but now I realize that this was, maybe, in part to him wanting to control some of his own pleasure/pain. I never said he had to cum. But, I will be much more definite in the future.

I guess I will make specifics for what he is to do.
#1 Wear the lovely pair of fairy wings that I have in my closet so he can remember when I will allow him to fly in Fantasyland.
#2 an exercise that will reinforce and remind him who is in charge (to be determined in the oh so very near future).
#3 A reward/punishment TBD by the responses made by said subhub on the intent and reasons of his "requests".

We are both laughing about this, right now. Joe is sitting here while I write this. He asks if this is the public humiliation portion of the evening, hahaha. Well honey, just making sure we understand each other and get the "most" out of this experience. You can go ahead and post any other ideas and suggestions on your blog...I'll get back to you on those! LOL

You are more than accommodating to me, which is appreciated greatly. Now I will be the best I can be, keeping you in-line the way you like. It's all given in love and I do love you the most in all the world!

Your Queen,

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hiding is lying!

Gosh, it seems that life always tests us in ways that we need. Lately, we have had to "lay low" because I was offered a teaching position for next year. I have been trying to decide if I would take it. Since the academic world is so concerned about image, I was covering our tracks a bit, so that I would not embarrass others by our lifestyle choices. I could just hear the news coverage/community outrage from the discovery of what Joe and I chose to do.

I know that it is actually ludicrous to think that choices we make as adults in our own bedrooms could be up for ridicule. I also know that in today's climate, sex sells. The titillation factor would be enormous. I would never want shame or embarrassment on any place I worked for, so I was carefully weighing my decision. I have come to the conclusion, that while I would enjoy the extra income, the price of my well being is too high. I hate having to look over my shoulder and be paranoid, like so many others I see out there.

I pride myself on being fairly honest and open. I have discovered that hiding who I am is like lying. It just doesn't feel right! This doesn't mean that I will tell people of my particular peccadilloes, I just refuse to put myself in a position where I am no longer allowed to feel good about my choices and this is what is happening now. Since I have cut back on being open and "erased my trail of eroticism" as best I could, I have felt more isolated and untrue to myself.
This will stop now.

I have a "what is the worst that can happen" mentality to this all. If someone found out that I enjoy BDSM kink, FLR, Polyamory, etc, what of it. Do I suffer like so many outed from their "deviant" behavior? Baby, I don't think so! I am willing to take it on if it arises. I might even write about it, but I refuse to hide from it or deny it. I have made my decision. I can't take a job that will force me to hide who I am. So, I will continue on my life of part-time work. The pay may suck, the hours long and unpredictable sometime, but I would control the one thing I value most: me. I would be able to leave without worry, take time off when I wish, and have the "devil may care" attitude I have enjoyed for the past umpteen years.

While this may appear selfish and self-absorbed to some (me as a priority), please consider that I know the value of self. I often have forgotten it or given it away to someone else. In the end, I will be alone in my thoughts and die alone. oooohhhh heavy. So, while on earth, I will enjoy the things I enjoy and live the life I wish. It would be useless to waste what I have each day, by living against my true nature. I am going to take more chances and live my life to the fullest possible form.

So, what will I do now. What any bohemian would; I will give up high pay to pursue my dream to be a writer. I have always wanted to be one. I have one more year left on child support, so the time is now. Next year I will have to make more money, since our income will decrease. Wouldn't it be great if I could set the stage this year to make my living doing what I want. No time like the present to find out if I can! Carpe Diem...I will seize the day. I WILL be ME!