Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Here and There and back again

Well, I guess I am back.

I have had this open for awhile, but have not posted. I guess the uncertainty of what job I would undertake for the year was keeping me from disclosing anything new. I also was nervous to include things about my life, because of recent events.

I am extremely open with people, yet extremely private as well. I have no trouble telling anyone about anything and any time. I have nothing to hide. Then, I had some people who were mean to me, or even inappropriate, you might say. They treated me in such a way that I did not feel comfortable having my life on display. My life was open to them, yet they contributed nothing back except grief. This makes me not want to share. My life is not here for others to view without interaction. I love relationships with people. My father thinks he is having a conversation with someone when he is doing all the talking and telling stories about things of interest to him. I do not share his thoughts on conversation, in fact it drives me crazy. Although I do tell stories and talk a lot, hahaha, I do expect participation. So my time away has had moments where I ponder why I blog. Is it for me, for others, for working out life's concerns, for telling a story of daily life? I don't really know.

I tend to keep away from most scintillating details of my life. My subhub seems to embrace them and post them exclusively (just my opinion honey). This is a huge differences in our thoughts and communication. I know my subhub works through a lot of what he is going through by putting it down on screen. Men do not have the luxury of discussing details in microscopic detail with their pals like women do. I also know that my subhub loves our life and wants to share that. I tend to want to keep things under wraps because I am subjected to the wankers and he is not.

The bottom line for me was very simple; I stopped receiving benefit from posting and only experienced heartache. I usually don't continue on a path where pain outweighs pleasure. I will begin again and see which way it will go this time. I will post for me and when I want, or I will find another avenue. Oh, and if you are brave, stand up and be recognized. I really like feedback and interaction. It may encourage me to post again and feel a part of something worth doing.

I have been busy and have much to tell....don't you want to know?


Friday, July 24, 2009

A mental/physical health day

what to post, what to post?????

I have been online all day, doing various things: posting, watching movies, chatting, research, etc. I am weary of mind and fingers. Some might see it as a wasted day of nothingness. I know it is the eye of the storm.

I was going back and forth to "town" this week. A journey of windy roads and at least an hour and a half drive each way, even more. It is made worse by the fact the air conditioning does not work in our vehicle and the minimum temp is 98 and the max is 112 degrees. I am travel weary.

Tomorrow is one of my long work days. I am in charge and have events to coordinate as well as run the regular tasks of my work. It will be crazy. I am not usually in charge of the whole schebang, but with vacation schedules, I am indeed in charge.

So today was the rest and relaxation before and after my crazy life. I love these days as I do them, but even I think...what the heck did I do all day. I needed to slow down and enjoy nothing once in awhile. I did.
Off I go tomorrow...vroom vroom...warp speed ahead!!!!

no scintillating details, but hey, that's what you get when you don't really do much of anything.

ah, I can only imagine what my future will hold. can you?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Man, I feel like a Woman

I have been thinking, as I always do and cannot stop (tee-hee), about the differences between men and women. I have been one to be the "good girl" in life. This is a result of my upbringing, religion, desire to be judged favorably, and many more factors that basically place me above reproach. My current situation has me thinking of myself in the category of the traditional single male. I am finding myself regarding sex as only sex.

Okay, it is actually more complicated than that, but I am not attributing sex to the end all romantic version of "I have to be in love" to do it. I love my husband and I give that kind of love to him. The sex I have with myguy is great, but it is indeed different. There is no mistaking that we are fond of one another, but until we decided what we truly want from each other, it is just sex.

I have only been in this non-dreamy state a few times in my life. And, interestingly enough, it is during my strong assertive woman periods. I go on "the hunt" as we gals used to call it. We have fun but not necessarily attach to a man. It is not unlike the behavior we saw in many of our male friends that "played the field". The reason I think I am in this mindset now, is that I am open to the possibilities to find the correct fit for my relationship with my husband and another man. I do not want to exclude a possible fit with any man I am currently talking to, but I don't want to yet put myself in a vulnerable or dreamy state. This undertaking is being done logically and deliberately. If I was to muddle the waters with emotion, I might make the wrong decision. That my friends is what would be considered the thinking of a man.

But, I most decidedly am a woman. I want it all. I want a fit for both myself and my husband and the new man. I want the man to be devoted to me. We can all have our own lives and be separate, but when we are together, I want focus. Truth and Commitment, in whatever form that takes, is paramount. I also want great sex and romance. See, I told you, all woman!
I also haven't felt the need to discuss the sexual details of my relationship (unlike my lovely subhub). That is also the woman in me. I could blow your socks off with the details...but why? I see no need to tell those details, but will bore you with the minute details of almost any other part of my life. We girls only save the juicy stuff for other girls. Weird, but true.

Okay, here are some details, cause I realize I never give titillation in my blogs. It's good...really, really (just keep going) good. I have not had sex like this since...never. I had really great sex with my first true love and he is the benchmark for all other men since. Although none came even close to him. He could last as long as I wanted, drove me crazy and then would cum on command. Unfortunately for me, he was the first guy after my first sex with another guy (long story) so I thought all sex was like this. Big news! uh uh. All sex after that was pretty much a 2 minute dash or less. I had no idea. Now I know why all the jokes about sex have to do with quick performance: it's true for the most part. Sure you luck out once in awhile and win the extended play version. But, most times it's over so soon you better hope you got some good foreplay before hand. Otherwise, you are staring at the ceiling saying to yourself...what just happened there, was it a drive by F***. Of course it is all still good, you just want more. Oh, by the way, sorry if it is harsh...just ask a woman and she would probably agree with me.

My husband and I have fun in so many other ways, with Kink and Tenderness too. Our sexual play is fantastic! I just don't get that crazy sex vaginally with a real penis. So, we sought to find that as well. Oh my gosh! It does exist. Myguy can bang away for 2 hours and not cum. We also were quite athletic and went in all kinds of positions. My subhub loves that. He knows that this is what I like and although he wishes to give me that, he can't. He feels stimulated rather than lessened by my new coupling. He and I had the best orgasm after my last meeting with myguy: go figure. I have the devoted guy at home and the hot sex. I am indeed a lucky gal.

I also am like the guy, cause these two men orbit around me a bit. It was weird, but good, when the three of us sat down to eat together. I was the common ground (so to speak) and they were both waiting for my direction and decisions. I liked that dynamic, but did not like the awkward pauses that would occur if I sat back and waited for them to speak. I was "the man" and said where to eat, when to go, and how it all went down. Well, that is actually the woman in me, but I just use this as an example of how a Domme woman is more like the traditional idea of a man.

I am like the traditional woman in that I am not telling myguy how to have sex with me or playing specific sex games. I want to be swept off my feet and have a more traditional sex relationship to begin with, at first. I believe that as I get to know my new partner and we trust each other, the rest will follow. That is how I have always lead my sex relationships.

Okay, now I am really going all woman, babbling about little. I will end here and let out the details that I am off to meet Bachelor #2. We might just meet for drinks/lunch or we might meet for more. Either way...Man, I feel like a woman.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Taking a spin around Fantasyland

I was reading my wonderful subhub's blog and found that while I was enjoying myself, he was like Tinkerbell: flying around in Fantasyland. His comments about what he could do while I was in town with myguy, cracked me up. I could have him do this or that so he could happily pass his time was rather surprising. I wanted to relieve his pent up frustrations, not open the phone-lines to the all request pleasure hour.

I am really going to have to think about this one. Okay, done thinking. NOT!
I will choose his rewards and punishments. That is the deal. I do think he needs some release. I was amazed that he did not masturbate to culmination, but now I realize that this was, maybe, in part to him wanting to control some of his own pleasure/pain. I never said he had to cum. But, I will be much more definite in the future.

I guess I will make specifics for what he is to do.
#1 Wear the lovely pair of fairy wings that I have in my closet so he can remember when I will allow him to fly in Fantasyland.
#2 an exercise that will reinforce and remind him who is in charge (to be determined in the oh so very near future).
#3 A reward/punishment TBD by the responses made by said subhub on the intent and reasons of his "requests".

We are both laughing about this, right now. Joe is sitting here while I write this. He asks if this is the public humiliation portion of the evening, hahaha. Well honey, just making sure we understand each other and get the "most" out of this experience. You can go ahead and post any other ideas and suggestions on your blog...I'll get back to you on those! LOL

You are more than accommodating to me, which is appreciated greatly. Now I will be the best I can be, keeping you in-line the way you like. It's all given in love and I do love you the most in all the world!

Your Queen,

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hiding is lying!

Gosh, it seems that life always tests us in ways that we need. Lately, we have had to "lay low" because I was offered a teaching position for next year. I have been trying to decide if I would take it. Since the academic world is so concerned about image, I was covering our tracks a bit, so that I would not embarrass others by our lifestyle choices. I could just hear the news coverage/community outrage from the discovery of what Joe and I chose to do.

I know that it is actually ludicrous to think that choices we make as adults in our own bedrooms could be up for ridicule. I also know that in today's climate, sex sells. The titillation factor would be enormous. I would never want shame or embarrassment on any place I worked for, so I was carefully weighing my decision. I have come to the conclusion, that while I would enjoy the extra income, the price of my well being is too high. I hate having to look over my shoulder and be paranoid, like so many others I see out there.

I pride myself on being fairly honest and open. I have discovered that hiding who I am is like lying. It just doesn't feel right! This doesn't mean that I will tell people of my particular peccadilloes, I just refuse to put myself in a position where I am no longer allowed to feel good about my choices and this is what is happening now. Since I have cut back on being open and "erased my trail of eroticism" as best I could, I have felt more isolated and untrue to myself.
This will stop now.

I have a "what is the worst that can happen" mentality to this all. If someone found out that I enjoy BDSM kink, FLR, Polyamory, etc, what of it. Do I suffer like so many outed from their "deviant" behavior? Baby, I don't think so! I am willing to take it on if it arises. I might even write about it, but I refuse to hide from it or deny it. I have made my decision. I can't take a job that will force me to hide who I am. So, I will continue on my life of part-time work. The pay may suck, the hours long and unpredictable sometime, but I would control the one thing I value most: me. I would be able to leave without worry, take time off when I wish, and have the "devil may care" attitude I have enjoyed for the past umpteen years.

While this may appear selfish and self-absorbed to some (me as a priority), please consider that I know the value of self. I often have forgotten it or given it away to someone else. In the end, I will be alone in my thoughts and die alone. oooohhhh heavy. So, while on earth, I will enjoy the things I enjoy and live the life I wish. It would be useless to waste what I have each day, by living against my true nature. I am going to take more chances and live my life to the fullest possible form.

So, what will I do now. What any bohemian would; I will give up high pay to pursue my dream to be a writer. I have always wanted to be one. I have one more year left on child support, so the time is now. Next year I will have to make more money, since our income will decrease. Wouldn't it be great if I could set the stage this year to make my living doing what I want. No time like the present to find out if I can! Carpe Diem...I will seize the day. I WILL be ME!

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Well, I often notice things that other people do not, or would not bother to notice. Patterns, reoccurring themes, subtitles: they are my specialties. When I first started writing this blog, I noticed that in my first month of writing, I wrote 3 entries. My second month was 4 and my third month was 5. So here I am in June, the sixth month of the year and I had written six entries. I had to decided,would I add any posts to break the pattern, or keep it at six by waiting to write until July. Well doing that would require some habits that I may or may not be good at. It would require restraint (those who know me, well...you know), discipline (who are we kidding-the only discipline I have is the kind I give) and a desire to keep in the pattern. Now that last one is a hard one.

If someone told me not to do something, I would ask why. I want to know the reason of things. Is is just because you said, an established rule, or are you trying to control me. I am a rule follower though. I usually like the comfort of knowing that it is a certain way, and we follow that. Rules can free us from having to guess what someone else is going to do. My ex husband grew up in India for the first 10 years of his life. He was always amazed that people here followed traffic laws. In India, he said that a four way stop would never work. People would just drive through and not follow them. Even at stoplights, everyone ignores the lights, drives into the intersection, which causes gridlock and then enthusiastically honks their horns and yells at everyone. I, on the other hand, grew up in a town where rules were taken seriously. To this day, there are many four way stops that are only being changed slowly to stoplights. Most people from my hometown follow rules religiously. My college roommate now lives in my old hometown. She was friends with some of us from there and even married one of my teenage classmates. She is always amazed that we are so similar in our outlook. She says we are all of the same mindset and the people she meets now, that have grown up there, are the same. Why and how we became that way, I am not sure, it just is. In any event, even though I love rules and follow them, I sometimes don't like the rules that are on the periphery, that one can "bend" or "break".

Take for instance this non-significant pattern. who cares that my posts have gone 3,4,5,6. Well strangely, I do. I go through an inner struggle of should I follow the pattern, or break it? I inevitably do not want to be controlled by having to follow it through, down the road, so I break it now. I also have had an abundance of "number 6" items, so I was going to change that up too.

I have been reading a book on six word memoirs. The goal is to write six words that describe you/your life. If you google it, it will give you examples. I found this, because I will be leading a group of teens in this activity and then sending the final products to another library in Ca. for the summer reading program exchange of art, poetry, etc. I was trying to think what my six words will be. What would yours be?

Mine, for now, will be:
Mom and Wife, enjoys her life!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Fathers' Day

Today is the third Sunday in June and thus it is the day to honor fathers. Interesting that I have always heard, this "holiday" was created in answer to Mother's Day. The men, or should I say specifically, the retailers see this as a way to help boost sales, and it does. I do not particularly like gratuitous holidays, or giving or receiving gifts for them. I don't like that Christmas displays come before Halloween now. That Valentines and Mother's day is about the flowers, chocolate, or gifts that may be sincere, but more of, "you suffer if I don't get". But, that is a different topic.

The sincerity of the holiday comes from honoring the fathers. We would like to congratulate the men who do serve their families well. The ones that have made a difference in the lives of their children and to their spouses. I am very grateful that my dad did so much for me. He was always concerned for our welfare and provided and led the best he could. He gave me the things necessary to have a good life.

The man that I feel gave me the lessons in life, was my Grandfather. I had a different connection with him. He righted "wrongs" for me, taught me how to play checkers, and disciplined me when I was not a good loser. He had a quiet way about him, that made him "heard" over everyone else. I liked his manner, his stories, his kindness, and his wrath. He taught me about "faith" without ever really quoting the bible or anything else. He taught me about what was important in life and in people. Basically, he taught me the lessons of life. I will be forever grateful for that. I would have missed out on those, if my father were the only man in my life.

I, of course, also honor Joe. Which, as you can see is really like my grandpa (what would Freud say?). He is the man who should receive every honor in the world, and never does. The understated and quiet ones, almost never do! Here is a man, who serves his family, raises the kids, provides financial support, and asks for very little in return. His major contribution to his step sons, my boys by a first marriage, is by BEING THERE. He is there whenever they need him. He does not pry, he lets them be, he shows them life's lessons, he teaches quietly about faith, he provides for them (besides the child support from biodad) and show that he thinks about them by getting things they like or cooking their favorite foods. He also treats them like they are his kids, and most people do not even realize that they are not his biological children. Amazingly so, he never replaces their biodad and knows when to step out of the picture, or let them go to the other for what is needed. I do think Joe is awesome. I let him know that often and one day doesn't really cover that.

I like that other dad's are loved and honored too, as they should be.

Ah, I have been distracted, left this topic in my mind, but the day goes on, the maddness continues...Happy Father's day

Friday, June 19, 2009

Stranger than Fiction

Today, I reflect on a most unusual meeting I had yesterday. It makes me think of the Will Farrell movie, "Stranger than Fiction". When I saw that in the movie theater with my son, I had the distinct feeling that I was enjoying it way more than the people in the room with me. This happens quite often, actually. Especially if the movie is ironic or on the odd side.

I love the story of the character going through his life in narration. The woman who is a writer is trapped to find an ending for her character, and the man, who is the character is able to hear her narrating what he is currently doing. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it. It's one of my favorites. I think he is trapped by living a life directed not by his wishes, but almost as if directed from the wishes of someone else. This only relates to me, in that my life has some of the farcical incidents like his did: unexpected and strange, yet it flows and so does he.

Yesterday, I went to meet with a man that I have chatted online with for a while. We met under the pretense of chat only. I answered his ad on this, cause I was looking to chat with just a normal non-sex seeking male. I guess to balance the ones I had been talking with to "find as a partner". Well after some innocuous short chats, this guy suggested we meet. If you don't know by now, I pretty much feel comfortable with "whatever" and agreed. I found it interesting that I was not in a state of excitement over this meeting, like I had been with the others. It did not make me all hot and bothered and I was unclear whether it was going to be a sex meeting or what. I was most nervous to have him see me naked, cause he is a triathlete. He had sent me a picture with an impressive display of very minimal body fat. Okay, I know I am buxom and rather fleshy, but I never felt particularly embarrassed like this before. That continued through our meeting as well; I guess because I can't wrap my head around a fitness person enjoying fat. It would be like a vegetarian dating a carnivore. I just don't get how the two combine.

This man was very polite and quite relaxed. He took care of himself and his surroundings. As we talked, like an interview kind of, I found out that he is a dominant himself (with women). He had hinted at that in one of our chats, I think, but I did not realize he was as much a dominant as me. I found this interesting. We compared notes on the way we liked things and how we thought and acted. I only became aroused when I was describing my favorite thing I like to do to Joe. It was erotic to describe the little game I play with Joe and that reminder of our game made me tingle. I find it interesting that I felt like this guy was more like my brother than would be a lover. Of course the sensualist in me would "do him" just to see what it was like, but the realist in me realizes that this would be more of an experiment just to see what he was like, without emotion. I "did" a fit marine when I was younger and fit myself, but that feels like a lifetime ago. I loved to hold his muscular arms and chest, but then it was about sex. Now it would be, just cause I could.

I realized that in that meeting. I don't want just the sex, okay I do, but not in that way. I am really seeking a relationship of sorts. I want to feel something for the other man. I want him to adore and cherish me. The clincher of it all, that I discovered, is not how long this lasts, but the intensity of it. I am an extremely intense person. I am like a strong and sudden wind. I need that intensity back. All these men who "roam" are not interested in relationships and intensity. They seem to want quick and easy. I don't mind a short relationship, but it better sweep me off my feet. I will not rush in, because this is not play for me, it is something that I want for a lifestyle. I get great sex at home. I want a complement to that. Finding the fit is the problem! I need to be patient, which is extremely difficult for me to do. Ahh, the lessons of life: to teach us to be a better person.

Yes my life is stranger than fiction (certainly just as juicy). What I find funny, is that people are surprised that I haven't already "done it" or haven't been at this with men for a long time. Guess what?! I can do it, had the offers, but I choose not to do it. I am in Charge of this too! I thought I might just want to get it over with, to start with. Just jump in so that I could be more relaxed and get over the nervousness of being with a man, but my intellect makes me pause and reflect. Just like I waited to be with a man before, so I will again. It is my nature. I am hoping that good things come to those who wait.

I'm waiting!!!!!!!!
and in the meantime...I will accept that my life will be stranger than fiction.

Friday, June 12, 2009

School's Out

Ahhh summer vacation. I remember being a kid and thinking how great summer vacation would be!

Now I am an adult, and I am thinking...What summer vacation? The job keeps going, the bills keep coming, and as for going somewhere (in this economy?).

Summer vacation was good for me for about 3 days. I tend to be a restless soul. I have to keep active or I go Loco! My friends and family always comment on what a nerd I am, since I loved summer school, band camp and the such. I really did love it, but that was before everything became about remediation. I took sewing and cooking, Spanish, aeronautics/airplanes, Indian lore, piano, guitar, drama, etc. It was fantastic for me. The band camps were fun too. I got to play my flute, which I love to do, while meeting new people from all over. Since I travelled more than 10 hours away to various camps, it was an added benefit to leave my family. My favorite part was running all over town with my friends, or hanging out at my or their pool.

Kids now don't "hang out" much anymore. Every second seems to be calculated and planned. My kids can't just hang out here. It is either about 112 degree heat, 50mph winds, long distances between friends, or...that keeps them inside and "bored". We do have many things for them to do, but I worry about the isolation. My eldest son has a car, so he can pick up and see friends whenever he wants, pretty much.

The younger son can meet with friends when I go to work. A lot of them live in the town where I work. He also likes to do his "own thing" music, games, manga, etc. He always goes into his room and disappears: teenager. He comes out for meals and movies, but that is about it.

My youngest, a daughter, is a resident of her own fantasy world. We get to visit, but it is quite involved. This may be from the isolation, but my youngest son did this too. Joe thinks it is a product from us. Both Joe and I lived in our fantasy worlds when we were younger. Our daughter carries on the tradition and "runs with it". She has trouble making and keeping friends, because of her complicated games and such. I know that summer vacation will be a chore to "keep her busy". She is her mama's daughter! She is loving Vacation Bible School this week. She loves that they are pretending to go to Rome and the Underground church. They wear costumes and react villages and such of that time. Perfect for her. She is almost mute when she is there, but the car ride home has her chatting about it all and she recreates it at home. I believe she is studying every detail, while she is there. She processes it in silence, so that she captures every nuance. She gets quite irritated with me if I am near her or talk to her. Such an interesting little sprite. I get quite irritated when she wants to share it with me, and I am busy. So, I guess we are even.

School's Out...Let Life begin. That is how I see it. I won't change my mind. It really is a shame, that school doesn't let us experience more of the fun of life. Learning is Fun; it should be year round! Fun can get monotonous too. Why not mix the two? Why take a vacation from one or the other? Ah, but this is another discussion, for another day!

Monday, June 8, 2009

In a land far far away

I was thinking about my friend Anne, who just moved to Australia. She lived in Washington state when I first met her (only a few months ago). It is strange to think that we have not know each other very long, but we get on so well together. Lately I have been working long hours and she has been catching up with her man. This makes it hard for us to chat...that and the time difference. I miss the times we chat, and look forward to the next opportunity.

This friendship, and many of my other new friendships illustrate to me, that distance does not limit the depth one can feel for another human being. Of course, the fact that we have met in person and spent time together helps to better know each other. I am pretty sure that I would not have become as close to Anne, if I had not met her. I enjoy meeting the people I meet online. It gives me a better reference point to the actual tone and person. I can see how the Internet thing becomes addictive. I am able to chat with others, that I have more in common with, than the people around here. the only difference is, that they are brought to me via a remote tool.

Is our interaction changed because of it? Maybe, maybe not. I think that I would still be friends with these people, because they are honest and open with me. If someone is not honest and open, then the words are the depth of that relationship, and that is not very deep.

Fairy tales begin with...In a land far far away. For me, it's just my new friends, and it feels real.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Yes, We are Open!

The problem with opening one's self up to others, is that you become open for them to get inside.

I have a man who is the complement to me.  We are most happy when we are together.  Well, except when we argue, like we did just a minute ago.  It was over the most ludicrous thing: getting hay.  I must say that I was miffed that he, like most men, focus on just one thing.  He doesn't realize that when he insists on his way, I get pissy.  It happens repeatedly, he resists in exactly the same way repeatedly, and I react the same way repeatedly.  The funny part is that it almost never happens.  But when it does, it is the focus of the moment because it so "out of character" in our relationship.

I have had a lot of "out of character" moments lately.  People tend to view me as the rule follower, the honest one, the good girl; which is basically me.  They know of my impish ways, but still act shocked if I swear or do "naughty things".  A friend recently lost her train of thought with me because I used the word Bastard in an IM.  She even replied how shocked she was.  This was in a first conversation on the computer, with a friend that I have known since 6th grade.  Believe it or not, in 33 years, she had not really heard me swear like that and was shocked.  I am sure she has heard swear words before, but I was not seen to use them and so this out of character behavior actually made her fall out of her chair.  (If she only knew...I bet if she really knew me, she would faint).  I don't hide myself, I just don't let people "in" to the places I don't think they can handle.  

Most of that is starting to disappear.  I am consciously choosing to be myself, whatever the cost.  Risky?  Yes, I think so.  
Detrimental?  No, I think not.

I am type A personality (that's what others tell me).  I have great stress and angst over social constraints, success levels, and how I am perceived.  Tell me if that is healthy!  
Through Joe, the one person on earth who comes closest to sharing the unfiltered me, I have been given the greatest gift of all.  True acceptance and love for who I am.  No pretension, no spin.  I can even be the very worst person in the world (well, we know this is not possible; it's just hypothetical), and Joe will still love the core person I am.  We love and accept each other for who we are at this core.  I may not like that he wore a shirt with a hole at belly level and was unshaven and dirty to the final spring concert of the year, where every family in the community I work with was in attendance.  (Can you tell how I feel about that?)  But that act by him does not define the person he is inside.  Go ahead and argue that it does if you want to focus on the fact that he doesn't care about fashion, he is passive resistant, or any other bloody argument about his actions.  But, that is so far below the radar.  It was about my perceptions of the situation that bother ME, not him.  He did not do anything wrong.  I perceived it as wrong.

Joe is bothered when I am upset.  He may or may not like that I do not say sorry very often.  I tend to let things go, because I focus on other things fairly soon.  He has learned that I am mad quickly and passionately, and then I am over it.  He "handles" me well.  He does not engage in the trivial.  Because he does not "ego" fight with me, we almost never quarrel.  His devotion to me makes it so easy to have a relationship without stress and fuss.  I feel truly blessed to have met and married him.  He is good for me.  We both perceive that we will put the other partner first. Our general MO is love and truth and acceptance.

This has spoiled me, to other men.  I expect them to be as good as Joe.  Well, now I don't.  I am learning what I have forgotten for so long.  People do not always have your best interests in mind.  I am re-learning quickly that no one can ever be truly aware of another person's nature and intent.

I have posted on the website that I now help moderate.  I guess, people see me in a certain light.  Because I did not measure up to the perception of other people, when I disclosed things that they thought were contradictory to other parts of my life, I was judged.  That is okay by me.  Ridiculous, but okay.  I have not change the basic ME that I am.  

I bring this up as the point to illustrate why I think that I am mad at the "new men in my life".  The Internet has made it so we don't ever truly know the ME that the other person is in real life.  I may get off on chatting with a guy that is young and tall.  I garnered it from picture he sent me.  But, in reality, it could be anyone and so what if it is.  The reality of the situation is that this relation is one dimensional; only as honest as the people who are in it.  It could be him, it could not be him.  The other guy, who may or may not read this, is not  clear about what he wants.  I thought there was great potential for us, and there still may be.  But, I don't feel I will ever know him and he will never know me, until we meet.  

This one dimension also exists in our daily face to face relationships.  We present ourselves like the paper dolls I used to play with as a girl.  We are flat and one dimensional.  We may change the outfits and the surroundings, but we never get to see the "back story" of the doll.  We keep ourselves closed off, to protect the delicate self we hide inside.   It is scary to place yourself open for ridicule and displeasure.  How harmful it is to a child to be vulnerable and then have a teacher/parent/ friend/ lover say we are wrong or not good enough.  We do this to each other all the time (me too, on occasion).  Eventually, we have the pasted on smile of the paper doll on our face.  Keeping our self safe, but unsatisfied.

I welcome dissension, even though it is tough on my nature to do so.  If I am stirring the pot a bit, that is okay.  At least I will have a life lived fully, passionately, and hopefully, honestly. 
I am opening myself up to the possibilities of grandness, but will have to take the crap that goes with it, until I find what I am looking for. 

I open myself and am dissappointed in others.  Although I won't be gullible, I will need to open myself up to others as well.  I will take them as they are, and will not judge them unfairly, because I do not want to be judged unfairly.  I will only doubt, when given cause to doubt.  I will accept things as they are, not what I wish them to be.  And I will remember that opening yourself up to another as you truly are, can be the scariest thing a human can ever do, but also the most rewarding.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Mondays are Sundays

 I love Mondays! I know that a lot of people do not particularly like Mondays, because they have to go back to work, but the rules don't apply to me.  I work in a library that is open Tuesday through Saturday.  My weekend is Sunday and Monday.  Thus, I enjoy the benefit of a day of rest when others go frantic.

My lovely husband always takes the kids to school on Mondays so I can sleep in later.  I usually get up when they are just leaving 7am.  Since I wake fairly early and stay up late, this is a luxury.  He makes my coffee for me, or has it sitting out ready for me to drink, or I just have to heat it up in the microwave.  I really am spoiled...but there is more.

When Joe returns, he usually will make me a hot cooked breakfast.  We have chickens, so he scrambles some fresh eggs and includes toast.  This week was awesome, because he included fresh fruit as well.  Ahhhh, life is good.    After he eats, he settles down to do paperwork at home, which is computerized and a pain, since it is transmitted by fax and computer, or something.  My favorite parts are his breaks.

When he is done working, and before the kids come home, we make time for each other.  Monday madness is my mantra (nice alliteration, huh?).  Lately, we have been supercharged because of the extra curricular activities we have chosen to engage in: adding people to our repertoire, sort of speak.  Joe is massively charged up with the idea of me with other men.  He gives me permission to open my sexual side to "play" with men.  We have been in contact with two different men.  Even if they do not work out, this will probably be an activity that will occur this year.  Both of us are super "hot" from this contact with others.  The instant messenger is a great tool to rev us up.

I have enjoyed talking with these men online in real time.  The type of things we talk about are sexual in nature.  What is interesting, is that both of them would want to be with me, with the full support and knowledge of my husband.  This was out of the realm of what I thought would be normal, but somehow it just "is".  I like to call all three men, "my sick puppies".  I love it!  They all get off on the other "getting theirs".  Strangely enough, it excites me too.  I think that is because my husband is so turned on by this possibility, that it doesn't seem weird or odd.  I also fantasize quite a bit myself.  I am not sure which one will be the one to be with me, but even if it never happens with either of them, we are having a blast.

The older of the two men is quite graphic in what we would be doing.  It is nice to think of the ways and times that we would be together.  I find myself daydreaming of the ways that he would have sex with me.  I did not ever feel that I was missing anything with Joe sexually.  Now, I have begun to think of the ways that this other man can satisfy me.  It is like bringing in a plumber or electrician to complete difficult tasks that Joe just can't do.  It is almost as simple as that.  Joe is not physically able to do certain things sexually.  This other man is willing to do those things with me.  Although many lengthy performances are promised, we will see if they come to fruition.  This is another of those areas where Joe has experienced difficulties.  I have challenged the new guy to please me in this manner; let's see if he can rise to the occasion.  I have only had one lover who could satisfy me by cumming when I wanted.  All the others cum much too soon for my tastes.  I have heard that it is from the way I am built. The men get too excited too fast from my anatomy.   But, I wonder, there are so many jokes about men who don't last long, I think it may be the norm.

The younger man is a 27 year old who would like an older woman to "train him".  I was doubtful of his intentions at first.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt, because I enjoy his company very much.  I am learning what it would be like to train a man.  I lucked out with Joe, someone had trained him before I got him.  I wish I could thank her; she did a great job.  I am getting a rare opportunity to see what a young/ single girl might go through.  I believe this will give me great insight to many things about FLR's and particularly with an untrained man who wishes to serve.  By the way, don't rain on my parade; I will treat him as if he is sincere.  I am okay with whatever direction this relationship takes.  We are consenting adults.  My boy toy was great for my Monday too.

Both Joe and I thought about this boy toy.  Joe was with me as I chatted with my new trainee last night.  The thought of him in bed with me as Joe lay on a cot outside our door sent Joe to a whole new place.  Look for his blog for details.  I imagined my gorgeous little boy pleasing me as my bull and had some great orgasms.  Thanks is all I can say to him.  What a treat to rev up our sex life even more.  We have great sexual encounters, but the Aussie boy sent us to tantra levels today.  I just can't stop smiling.  You should see Joe!

So, when you are having an especially difficult Monday...don't call me.  I may just want to "rub it in" about my Mondays!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I can tell that things are changing.

I don't believe there is only one way of doing or thinking. I also rebel against injustice and pigeonholing. But the societal constraints of my life have been pulling me for some time. I also care what others think (deep down) and will often arrange my behavior to fit the group. I have chosen to pursue a career that typically demands model behavior. Working with children and teens makes me watch my P's and Q's.

Luckily, or by design, I chose to work part time for the rest of my life. If anyone has a problem with my behavior, I would just slip away. I know that I would be judged "unfit" to work with kids, but like any consenting adult should, my private life is private. I don't feel the need to tell the community I work in, what my private details are. I am aware that it is easy to judge that which we do not understand. Heck, it's even easy to judge what we do understand. Unfortunately, like all scandals in the press and society, we just blow things out of proportion. Hopefully, I will be allowed to be me and still be the "old me". I am one and the same; it is just the information that others know that is different. People will place their values on my life and I will be weighed.

I have always had definite opinions of my own. I just try not to judge too harshly, the ones I may or may not see eye to eye. I am always pushing my own boundaries and doing everything I always said "I'd never do". Sometimes it is as innocuous as dying my hair, so the gray won't show. Sometimes it is as wild as opening up my marriage to other men. Either action is something I was convinced at one time I wouldn't do. Now don't get me wrong, there are boundaries that I will never cross. This is certain. But the ones' that become opportunities rather than absolutes are up for negotiations.

I plan on changing quite a few things in the future. I want to move out of California. I have for some time. I do not like how the state is run and how expensive things are here. I want a different pace and a different kind of people. I have lived in San Diego County since 1970. I feel like I only have the one perspective of life; almost an ethnocentric perspective, of Southern Californians. I have travelled a little, so I know that people in different states can act a little differently than here. I would like the perspective of my life to shift to what I think is important, and often that is a non California type of view and focus. My parents determined where I would grow up and live. Circumstance determined that I would stay here. And ultimately, I believe that if I want to own my life, I will need to leave the area I grew up in, to find a place that I really want to be. I guess one could argue that we should be happy where we are, at that moment, but what is wrong with finding the place that would lift your soul and give you the freedom to be who we really want to be. That is what I seek. I am not running away or seeking, I am trying to actively determine what would work best for my man and I. The hard thing is...what if I choose "wrong".

Welcome to the world of the average man. I will be making the decision of what and where we should be, but I truly do not enjoy the pressure of bad decisions. I construct a life where I do not regret many former actions. I am not overly cautious nor overly disregarding of responsibility; just very careful to see the positives and negatives. Oh, and my husband would probably say, I over analyse everything to the point of ridiculousness.  It is a skill and a source of amusement to all my friends.  Just like I have quick wit, I am quick to think of 20 billion things from a single comment.  The trail of how I got there always baffles people when I am asked.  My room-mate from college, who knows me fairly well, will once in awhile stop me and ask how I got from point a to point b.  She says that she can usually follow the path, but is stumped this time.  When I tell her the progression, she gets it and follows what I am talking about.  

Yes, therefore, I have a continual inner conversation with myself.  It won't shut off.  That is why I am enjoying the blog and the website.  I love the brain exercise.  I love to exchange ideas and learn new and different ways of thinking.

I started this yesterday, before all my computer issues.  I will end here because I tire of trying to figure out where it was going.

let me start with something new later.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Up in Smoke

Gosh, I am silly, but I always have a sound track or reference to something else going on in my head. Today, I have the Cheech and Chong album in my head to refer to here. This is how I feel in a way. "Up in smoke" is the first thing that popped into my head when I opened the blog page to post.

No, it's not about marijuana. It's about a couple of things that relate to this name. First, it is about feeling like being on drugs. One thing I didn't expect so much about pursuing a sexual/friendship relationship with another man, was the endorphin rushes. Even Joe is feeling them.

I swear, I am experiencing a high unlike any other. I think about sex with this other man. I go crazy with desire for my husband. The whole feeling is so hard to describe. My body is literally humming with the need for sexual fulfillment. This must be why so many people "cheat". It is exciting and alluring. The only bad part about it, is that it distracts me. I could easily float through my day before. Now I obsess in my need for sexual fantasy and touch. I must say, that Joe is receiving a healthy dose of attention at this point, so he isn't exactly upset. He is actually going through a similar kind of reaction. It is like a drug that we need to have, desire to have, and continue to seek. Although I love the "highs", I do not like some of the side effects. I lose some control over myself, because I want it so much and so often. I am almost turning myself over to it. I just randomly think of the anticipated meeting, I get wet at very weird times, I find myself walking differently and being more flirtatious. I smile like the Mona Lisa at times, and the Cheshire Cat at others. It is like being crazy. Good, but out of control.

The other point of "Up in Smoke" is the fact that he could disappear and/or it is all smoke and mirrors. The fact of the matter is, this second man could walk away right now. He could be just yanking my chain like the Aussie boy. We won't be meeting for a month. While it is fun, it could be just that. Will it really happen? It could go up in smoke at any point! I will wait and see. I have an optimistic and a realistic side. I think that my mindset is influenced by the fact that so many men I meet are unreliable. Oh my gosh, they just want beat-off material. That is not my goal, although I do admit, that part is pretty yummy. The other part of going up in smoke would be if this guy had a family, other relationships, or something like that. I am not exactly willing to be patient in this area. The smoke would then be from my "dragon flames" of anger. (remember, I take things ad nauseum...it is a skill). If I were to be duped, I would walk away graciously( I think), but god help the next man...I hope he likes pain, because I would inflict it.

I think my favorite part of the Up in Smoke analogy, would be the naughtiness that album represents. I remember being at a friends house (Tammy Spicer . I still remember her name) for a sleep over. We were in grade school, but she had an older brother in High School. He owned that album (vinyl record) and we listened to with great interest. It had drugs, sex (if the van is a rockin'/don't come a knockin'). Heady stuff for elementary school girls. It is tame now, but at the time, it was risque. That is how my current life is now. Risque is my middle name!

People can't imagine what I am thinking and doing. It is certainly a wild roller coaster of emotions. At the end of the day, I wouldn't change it. I just wish I could control it. It is the wisp of smoke that I see...eventually it will fade away. For now, I will just watch it's untouchable shape float in the air. I try to appreciate it's flowing beautiful form before it vaporizes to nothing but air. If I am lucky, the smoke will remain and if I am really lucky, I will control it and make smoke rings or other odd shapes.

but for one last ad nauseum... I mostly feel like it is just smoke blown up my ass. Who knows what it really is!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Play the Game

While one reads this, it would be appropriate to play the song by Queen, "Play the Game".
That is where my title comes from. It has always been one of my favorite bands, my first rock album, and general sound track for my life...

It is interesting to see how quickly things can change. Just like when I was younger, it always seemed that if one guy was interested in me, I had others as well. I think it mostly has to do with me.

What I mean, is that I send out the "available" vibe, and the men react.

I am an oddball. I truly do not see what I do not want to see, or forge ahead in such a way that I don't even notice what is around me. Don't get me wrong, I am not rude and selfish, per se, it is just a behavior quirk that my friends around me get used to over time. It is easy to see that I do not mean to be hurtful or ill-intended. It is just the way I am. I have been called strong-willed, determined, etc. I make a decision and then do all in my powers to achieve it. I bring this up now, because that is how I am with men. I am truly ruled by my emotions, but when I want a man, I open up the access to me in my mind. Otherwise, the doors of availability are completely closed.

Take for instance, my current situation. I have been married for almost 8 years to my second husband. Until now, I would never have dated other men while married. Because we decided to try this, I now am completely open to the idea of another man being intimate with me. This opened my eyes, literally, to see when men are flirting with me, even in daily life. Whereas I would obliviously go from point A to point B before, I now notice the smiles and nods and flirting behavior.

I do not know if it is because I am projecting the "sex" vibe (my mojo), or I just am taking the time to "take in" the men. I had three guys approach me on the dating site. I took down my profile, as soon as I felt I had "a keeper". Like always, the man I liked, became very dear to me quickly. I assess a man by his eyes and his smile first. I look for something that is almost indescribable to ascertain intellectually. It is my gut feeling about them. Unfortunately because it is from my gut, the brain likes to question this assessment later. I go through some doubt of their character and question every word and action for a brief period of time. That drives me crazy.

One of the other guys, I really liked, but had some reservations about in the compatibility department. I am a strong woman. Even a submissive to me has to be fairly strong. A man's character and being must be strong, to put up with me. Harsh, but I know I am a handful and a man must be that strong for me to respect him. This other man, while willing and sweet, would have been bulldozed by me. I did not feel as strong a sexual link because of it. I do not collect harems, so I had to let him go. I hope he will find what he wants. I hope that everyone will open themselves to another and be happy.

The third guy, is just a baby. Damn, he was born 4 months after I graduated from High School. But, there is such vulnerability and youth in that boy, that it does something for you. At 27, I am guessing that he is just wanking off about me, and I am willing to play along. Why do you ask? I clearly don't put up with shit, so why do I with him. He is adorable. He is 6'5" tall with the most adorable body and face. Call me shallow, because I admit it. He pushes buttons on me that haven't been pushed since I was in High School. I play with him online, because he is fulfilling my sexual/visual requirements. If he were local, I would hook up with him for sex. I doubt that it could go further than that. I don't respect his communication skills at all, I think he is a wanker and knowingly play with him in spite of it. I only tolerate him because of his physical being. Shit, I am loving shallow! I am as bad as the guys. I would do him once just to have a piece of him. I can't believe that. Doubt that I will, he lives in Australia. Although, I may go visit my friend Anne, and you never know, heh heh!

If you stop to look at the whys of it, it makes sense. This Aussie boy represents the carnal lust. I just want his body and good looks. The first guy, that I turned down, represents a man I could have a platonic relationship with, easily. He has similar interests to me and is sweet and caring. The third man, is a combo of both. He has the intellect and wit, I crave. He is a professional that has a very active life, so he will be the opposite of clingy. He lives far enough away that he will not intrude in my daily life, and I will not intrude in his. He is attractive enough to push my desire buttons, without making me just like him for his looks. And, he pushes my lust buttons, so that I want him sexually, almost all the whole day. MMM, a good combination if you ask me!

I also had to take in account the actual love of my life: my husband Joe. He is the man that I love from my head to my toes. We wouldn't be here in this position if it wasn't for him. He allows me to be me and he accepts me for me, which is the sexiest and most loving thing any man can do for any woman.

I can't even admit that I do this. Being a bossy bitch, I admit that I can't truly accept everything about Joe, like he does me. I am a woman, so that is impossible. But I will tell you this: he is the closest thing to perfection to me. He loves me so strongly, that he will do anything to please me. We have a loving bond that could survive almost anything. Heck, he has enough confidence, that he is not jealous if I love another, sexually or mentally, because he is strong enough to know that he is mine and I am his. This quiet giant, lets me be the brat and star that I am. He delights in my antics and loves my completely irrational dichotomous self (don't you honey?)! I am in heaven. I even cry now (I'll never admit it later) as I write this, because the strength of emotion that I feel for this man is so strong. The people who know us, can see and feel this love. Everyone else, just sees the business side of our relationship. I don't know what they think, nor do I care.

Now, we play the game-of love. In this instance, Love=Sex. The fact that I want someone and someone wants me is an interesting place to be. I will try to instruct on this point, by giving illustrations of how I got to this point with my actions and beliefs.

I have been told that one man and one woman marry. I have done that...TWICE. Okay, I admit it, I always have to do things in a bigger way than someone else. But come on, even I did not want to marry twice. I don't see it as a mistake, just fitting into the world of What Should Be. I made it a goal that I would be married by 25 years old. Well, as always, I did! Set a goal, make it happen, was my motto. I was to have children and raise them as best I could. Little did I know, that when I had children, it would change the entire pattern of my life. I slowly became someone I did not like, because I stopped being in control of myself and my life. The applecart was upset by these little critters. I truly believe that if I did not have children, I would probably still be married to my first husband. He might not with me, because ironically, he was the one that wanted sons. He is just not willing to care for them daily and set their needs first. I on the other hand would give up my life for them, and I did.

I stopped working. I did things for them, not myself. I put them over my husband, since he did not put them or me first. My whole life centered around them. I became dowdy and unhappy. Not that I knew, I was focused on them and unfocused on myself. This recipe for disaster included the side dish of loss of respect. My husband and I did not respect each other anymore. My strong willed side tried to come back a few times, but I was always passively aggressively put back in place to sadness and doubt. Although we had a wrenching divorce, it was the most important gift I have ever received. I was given back, Myself.

When I accepted who I was again, the world gave me Joe. I have things so easy compared to some. I was not single for very long, and never have been. I have no idea how that works, but when I want a man, I usually get one. If I am closed off or doubt, I don't get one. During the divorce, I thought long and hard about what happened to my first marriage. What had happened to me, was that I let it happen. I was going to take back control of my life. I had to, since I had two little boys and not much hope of ever seeing eye to eye with my soon to be exhusband.

My down periods of life are intense but brief. I did not play the Woe is Me, for very long. I find that this is self indulgent and a waste of time. So, I moved on quickly. I always have situations that prime the pump. I was given the chance to date again, once I felt confident again. But at that time, I really couldn't let myself go out with the 23 year old basketball coach of my son that was sniffing round my door. I was 37, wasn't that ridiculous! I also like relationships and not just sex (no really, I do, when I am logically thinking). So I did not take him up on his attempted tries. I would have squashed him mentally and I don't like animal cruelty. hahaha

I, then was introduced to a younger than me, but older than basketball boy, man that was very sweet. I could have made it work with him, but there were just some warning signs that I couldn't ignore. He wasn't sure of his life, and he seemed to have some weird situations from the past that I did not feel he was over. Well, he was over, because I don't share and don't do dishonesty or misdirection. This set up the opening to find Joe. My pump was primed to let someone in again. I was willing to go slightly younger and willing to find love over money. I found it.

I won't delve into our relationship here, that would be off topic. So another day perhaps.

I see the sweet man that I met first being my pump primer. Unfortunately for him, that is the role he served, but it really was the best for both of us. I was thrilled when the next guy contacted me. He messaged me. That is good, because a lot of the men on SMTR are so passive I want to puke at times. Being submissive, means submitting to the woman you love, not the whole damned world every minute of the day! Sorry, I digress, that is my opinion for what I want. I had winked at the first guy and wanted to meet him. This guy had wanted to meet me, from my profile. I wouldn't have contacted him first, because he had no picture on his profile, and I judge about the inner person from the outer person. I don't go by looks; it is more a general sense of who they are.

This new guy put something in his email that made me want to contact him. I can't remember the exact turn of events, but we started IMing or something and then moved to a phone conversation next. Okay, you won't believe this, but 4 or 5 hours later, I had a feeling that this was the guy. I called my hubby to let him know. He knew I was talking on the phone with him, but thought I had left and gone and done something else. He was floored that I had talked for so long. Don't get me wrong, he knew I could do that, but another guy that could keep up conversation that long and still have me interested in them is a BIG thing. I told Joe that I like him and thought he would too. The guys were going to talk to each other on the phone the next day. Joe is very protective of me. He wanted to make sure this guy is "real". He trusted my instincts but wanted to know that I would be safe and well cared for in the future.

Now I know that my skeptical side/rational mind doubted my emotional response to this man. And, I will never truly know the truth until I meet this man and find out about his "real" life. But, I feel it is worth taking the chance. I am willing to "Play the Game".

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Land of Discovery

I am at the end of my second trip to Portland. Joe and I were here maybe a month ago. It is amazing to me, to that so much has happened in such a short time.

What do I refer to now? Well, I feel like it has been a voyage of self discovery. We, as a couple, enjoy a Female Led Relationship. I love that my husband allows me to make the decisions for us as a couple. I may not make all the decisions, thank God, but I have the final word. Joe is the ultimate man. He is caring and kind; strong and able to tackle most problems. He loves to make me happy and he cooks! I love that he will excite me with his tenderness and concern for me. I am a lucky girl.
We also have a little kink in the bedroom. While some fear it, I embrace it. My man is so turned on by the way I tease and deny him. I can play to the masochist in him in so many ways. I am actually surprised by my reactions to this. I feel a thrill when he is enjoying a whipping, or caning. Discipline is used for bad behavior, and general play completes the picture. I like to "play" with him in so many ways. I don't plan it out, but take it as I go. I think most people would be surprised at the fun we have with this type of play. I know that it really floats Joe boat, so how could it be bad?!

Not everything we do is for everyone. I know that many people would be absolutely shocked at the next part of our relationship. We have begun a relationship with a third person. Just like when I met Joe, I have developed a quick and somewhat deep relationship online with another man.
Joe satisfies me very deeply. He does have limitations. His arthritis makes it impossible for him to do many sexual things with me. He can't raise his arms very high, he can't support weight on his knees, and bending is not his forte. While this has never been a "problem" for us, it has been recently seen as something I do miss after all. I only know this, because this new man and I are conversing about our fantasies and what we will do when we meet. This has stirred in me, new and old longings.
The strangest part of all, is that it does not seem like "cheating" or any different than another component of our kink in our marriage. I am very hot for this new man, but he knows about my marriage and has spoken with Joe via the phone. Joe is very hot because I am. He also likes the way that this relationship pushes his sub-buttons. As I read the contents of our online communications, he becomes very aroused. This cyber relationship does much to stimulate our respective juices. Even the new guy is getting off on this dynamic. He has included ideas to exclude Joe, which includes Joe. That part surprised me; we never really leave the fact that I am married. It is fact that we gleefully dance around.

I used to wonder what was "in it" for the two guys. I no longer do, so much. I mean look at what I get. A devoted loving husband and a totally turned on man to have jungle sex with me. What's the downside? Well, not much. My husband is more turned on than ever, because he knows that this relationship is allowing him to make him feel more "unworthy" of me. I adore him, so this does not provide him with the need he feels, to make him feel degraded and unworthy. The new guy is getting the thrill of taking away from another man. He is also getting the best sex talk and acts that one can provide. I also don't take up as much time as a full time relationship.

The difference with this cyber relationship, is that it will not only be in cyber space. My boyfriend and I are going to meet. We will actually be together in all senses of the word. I can tell and hope that this will be quite a meeting. We know we are going to have sex together. Joe knows it as well. This intimate act for two people has become intimate for three people. Why do I say that? Well, the whole construct includes Joe, even though he won't be present. We taunt him with the fact that this will happen. Believe me, this does not make Joe mad, but actually excites him. He loves that my guy is reving me up.

My boyfriend is going to provide me with the parts of sex that I currently do not have. He will, in theory, outlast Joe and give me a more athletic version of sexual intercourse. Trust me, that part is terrific. The other terrific part is the thrill of contacting each other and sharing our fantasies and desires. This is ultimately shared with all parties. I am pleasantly surprised, that Joe is always in our minds. What will he think or do? Or, not do with me as the case will be. My boyfriend will get privileges with me, that we are going to deny Joe with, for awhile. While I have never been a shrinking violet, I am happily pleased that I have opened a new way of thinking and talking with the new man. I am a dirty girl. I talk about "dirty" things and love it. I wouldn't do this with Joe in the same way. I guess that different relationships grow and develop in there own ways with their own rules.

In any event, it is one of the most exciting things to happen to all three of us, I believe. I don't let Joe talk about this topic, because although he is part of it, he is also excluded by it. I do want to keep some of this private, because I do not feel that everyone will understand it, nor do I want my private life with my boyfriend to be out for public consumption. It is that exciting!

Thank you both! On to discovering more!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Well, I must say, it's been awhile since my last blog.

I guess I have always had an "artist's" temperament and seem to be most creative when I am trying to work something out or have high emotions about something. I guess I only really wrote great poetry when I was heartbroken over some guy, or mad at my mom. I never drew pictures really, but I sketch pictures of bleak landscapes or forlorn girls gazing off into the distance. I only really played my flute when I "felt" like it. I'd practice with the group, but not unless so moved, to practice on my own. Even now, I'll play a hymn in church, with so much emotion, that it is often months to a year for me to play again.

I also get embarrassed by praise. Culturally, I was taught to be humble and that it was self-indulgent to hear praise about one's self. Also, the pride cometh before the fall, was a doctrine I lived with daily. Asians believe that evil will befall those who are prideful; my east coast relatives believe you will get you comeuppance if you are prideful. Either way, I shirk praise, yet long for it and seek it. This is one of the many manifestations of my dual Pisces nature.

Most parts of me are thus. I am bold, but shy. Completely forthcoming about anything I say and do, yet so private that people do not really know me. I am liberal in much of my thinking and action, yet I am conservative to the core. I long for city things, yet need to be in a rural area to keep my head clear and not be near other people. I also am a dominant woman with the most dependant tendicies. I appear to be a few steps behind my husband, but am the one in charge. I love to work with kids, but they drive me crazy. I like order, but have none in my life.

I have not posted, I suppose, because I came back from Portland, so happy to have met some terrific women. I feel great in my relationship. I have no unresolved issues at present, and I am extremely busy time wise, as I am every year at the end of a school year. In opening myself up to where I would like to be on a daily basis, I guess I have closed myself off in other ways. I am taking stock of it all. I am giving others a chance to speak. I am afraid of hogging the spotlight.
Wow, I feel complicated at times. I remember growing up and saying that I wished I was stupid or simple. My brain never shuts off. Sometimes I have to go into a "hibernate" mode. I withdraw slightly. Never fully conscious of this, I kind of retreat. Thank God, Joe is able to do most of the work that I do not do. Things kind of slow down for me, but not for the rest of my family. Before you think I am completely crazy, I think this is due somewhat to my manic ways, but mostly a safety release for getting burned out. I think the way I hike or run is a good example of this. I much prefer to go in short, quick bursts with rests in between, rather than slow and steady, consistantly to the end. I envy those who complete everything, pace themselves, and make time for themselves. I would be the tortured artiste, except for the actual art part. I have always wanted to write a book. Perhaps I will be the grandma moses of books, or the margaret mitchell, one novel writer. In any event, I feel no need for the spotlight, when I think it through; no need for fame. I just want happiness and contentedness. Well, having no concern for money would be nice...but we can't have it all, if we don't work for it.

where does this rambling lead? nowhere or somewhere?! whatever...I'm here!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

How do you do?

Well, we made it to the great Northwest. If any of you have been following my life as it relates to FLR, I am a member of a website called, She Makes The Rules. Joe and I are at the place we are at today because of this website. It has served as my compass and teacher. I really feel a connection with that community, especially the woman who run and moderate the site. I felt so strongly, that I was determined to go North and meet these women. As I stated earlier, I love seeing the "real" person and making connections.

Well, we are here in Portland to meet with these women and it has been phenomenal. I highly recommend getting out there and meeting with members. Jump in your car, train, or plane and go to a Tea. We have met quite a few members of the SMTR website and we have not been disappointed yet. This is even more involved. Everyone has been so much fun to get to know. I have definitely exercised my "laugh muscle" since I have been here. Not everyone does things or sees things the same way we do, but that is interesting in itself. I have really enjoyed just watching, listening and participating with the group.

It is hard to believe how everyone has come together from different cities and we all just have a really good time. The experience has been very personal for Joe and I , so I do not feel the need to share details. It's not about kink (even though there is some of that), it is not about watching how others interact (although I enjoy that too), it is about real, everyday people enjoying each other's company, humor, and selves. I do not even feel the need to visit any tourist destinations while I am here. The people brought us to the city and by gosh, they are a destination in themselves. I will cherish this time, this experience for a long time, and it is only half over.

Okay, enough with the schmaltz, I think you get the point.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Is This What You Have Been Waiting For?

For those of you who have been waiting for my discussion on a female led relationship; here is is.

I am in an Female Led Relationship.

Was it what you expected? I have learned that you can't really expect anything. Each relationship has different ways of going about it. My sub hub and I are exploring what works for us. The best thing I have found, is that you find a community of supportive people to bounce ideas off of, now and again. I may not do everything listed by everyone, but have found trial and error to be the way for us.

I notice that a lot of woman are led to an FLR through their husband's desires. Most often, this involves his fantasies and/or kink. I am intrigued that some woman realize that they have a need to be the dominant and then search for a man to fill this need. I wonder if this changes the dynamic of the relationship in such a way that the experience is different. Of course I know that there is no "one way" of an FLR, I merely wonder if the mindset causes the entire experience to change.

I feel lucky, because I already have a man. A man who loves and adores me. He already desires to submit and serve me. He also does not question my leadership. He doesn't just desire fantasy. He does not pay lip-service to me; he actually wants me to be in charge. I have recently witnessed and/or heard about relationships where the man says he wants a dominant woman, but he really just wants to lead a woman to do the things that he wants. I do not feel that this would be fulfilling for either party. That is very similar to how Joe and I first started. I did not know what it was all about, and Joe never experienced what a true female led relationship was, he always was a little unsatisfied with the result. I never felt the deep connection either, because that was just another game we played in the bedroom.

When I fully came to realize what this all meant, everything changed. The depth of feelings on both sides is incredible. I can know, with all my heart and soul, that Joe lives and breathes for me. He desires to make my life easier, more blessed, more fulfilled. I adore his devotion to me. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I am a bit lazy or selfish, once in a while. These messages put in my head from my family, society, wherever, are hard to silence. They do get quieter, but I think like any bad habit, it can take awhile to change.

I am in a Female Led Relationship! What power it is to say it out loud.

Why should we hide our true selves? Why should this be weird? I find it sad that we will face the judgement and ridicule from others. But then again, why shouldn't we, since I was judgemental about other things before and will be again in the future. I guess the real issue is to learn to temper that judgement. Learn to be more willing to accept others ourselves. Generally, I notice it is a matter of walk the walk and talk the talk. If you act like it is okay, others don't usually have a problem with it either.

The most interesting element of our change, is that the more open I am about myself being in a Female Led Relationship, the less I feel the need to write about it. I think that writing originally let me "figure out" a lot of ideas about FLRs. The act of writing was tied to thinking, solving, reflecting. Now that I am with a bunch of people who share certain ideals. I am no longer stifled to act or feel any particular way, and so I am free to be exactly who I am. This takes away the necessity to write anything much on the subject. It is as if, the FLR has become a part of my being. I am no longer unresolved or questioning. I still will be curious and still wish to share; but I feel the dynamic has changed. That's nice. Is this what I've been waiting for? Like the FLR itself, I did not know it; but, yes I think it is what I have been waiting for all this time.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Do you like what you see?

It has been a few days since my last post. I just haven't had a burning desire to tackle any particular subject. I guess I do now.

I have been thinking about how most people feel more comfortable with a false perception of people. If I can even explain this, it would go something like this: Most people would like to know less about you and even a false picture of you, so that it is comfortable, rather than real.

I believe that most people do not enjoy intellectual debate. This is evidenced by the mere drivel that people often talk about. I can't really discuss the latest American Idol or Dancing with the Stars episode, I don't do T.V. People are shocked that my kids and I do not have cable (not in our area, we have satellite available only, and we don't subscribe). I don't even know half the people on the magazines. As I stand at the checkout counters, I laugh now, because the pictures and headlines are so crazy. These facts of our media consumption, limit us to shallow talk. I sense that my work friends, do not have the time nor inclination to discuss, "heavy topics". Most teens just watch worthless Youtube videos, when they are on the Internet, and seem to spend to rest of the time texting each other in some kind of misspelled short hand. I can sense that even my "well "of vocabulary is drying up from lack of use. What happened to using words as an art form? I am worried that we will all being talking like a Dr. Seuss book, limited to 100 of the simplest vocabulary words that are used most often.

If words are useful to express how we think, are we thinking less now, because we use less words?

I also become so bogged down with life sometimes, that I just do not want to think. Everybody feels this. Let's just put in a DVD, an IPod, search the Internet, play video games, rather than interact with a person. It's just too much effort to connect with people. We live in a remote area. Most people out here do not get together very often. We don't have people over, or they us. We don't have places to gather with others either. Even when we do get together, it is cocktail type conversation. I don't know if you had this, but us college kids would sit for hours and discuss the state of the world, us, the future, etc. That was an extremely self indulgent, but a big part of our lives. Now I feel like these most people and I have the People magazine version of discussions. As Jeff Goldblume in "The Big Chill" says about "People Magazine", the stories are long enough to cover the facts in the time that a person sits on the toilet (don't know the exact quote-remember I am a big picture person, not exact quotes). That is the extent of most of my face to face interactions with people. Say what you have to say in the depth and time that it takes for one crap. Well, that is crap to me.

No one wants to risk exposing themselves. In a climate of mistrust and judgement, we have an image to uphold: To be something we are not, to satisfy whom?

Take me as I am, the title to a song, is my credo. I try to live with little falsehoods, I probably keep a few though. This is due to the fact that I cannot stand false people. Trust and honesty are very important to me. These factors often cause me to be very disappointed in others. I believe this is the reason others protect themselves by not exposing themselves to others. What a risk it is to show who you really are, and then have someone reject you.

I believe that we are a land of imitation products. Fake butter, fake boobs, fake pictures, fake people. I want real things. Real food, real bodies, real scenes captured, real flawed people, real wood, real air, and so forth. I think living in the back country makes me feel this way. I am removed from the "city" and the concerns of it. Life does not revolve around my clothes, my car, my house, my TV, cell phone, restaurants or entertainment I go to, causes I profess on my bumper sticker, or places I travel. These are all lovely things and I love to hear about them, but it is not who I am, or you are. That is what you have and do. Who are you? What makes you tick? I think there is less pause to reflect on this. This is why I think I like this new medium of blogging and writing posts on the forum I visit. I have rekindled my passion for thoughts:mine and others. The only component missing, is meeting with people face to face to discuss these issues or even not discuss them.

I long for human connection of a meaningful kind. Why do most interactions with people seem surface level at best? When I was younger, I had room fulls of people to choose from as my friends. Now that I am older, they are people of circumstance: jobs, school parents, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have tons of acquaintances, but that is exactly what I think they are. Nothing more and nothing less. A true friend, like I had when I was younger. I have my husband and he is my best friend. Is that why I do not have another?

I will go forth, I will be real, I will say what other people probably wouldn't say...out loud, and let's just see what happens.

I am gaining the courage I respect to let people see me in whatever light they wish to see me. I have amazingly felt the need to be strong and not hide that I am a dominant woman and lead my husband. That is who I am and my jobs can take the hit, if people judge me for it. My neighbors can judge me if they want, my family, my acquaintances, whomever. I will not compromise and hide such a vital part of me. Not everyone would do it this way, but I will. I won't go out of my way to open this part of me up, but neither will I hide it.

As one of my favorite Queen songs says, "I'm free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you! I want to be free. I've got to be free". While harsh, it is the truth.

You be the judge...I am okay with that. Even if you don't agree!

I welcome comments.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Death and Mortgages

I have a couple things that I wish to ruminate over today.

The first is back to the discussion on suicide. Strangely enough, probably while I was watching the movie, "The Bridge" and posting my reactions on it; Joe's girl pal from high school committed suicide. Coincidence? Probably not!

They grew up in a small community. She married young and had three children. She was the gal that held my Joey's heart first.

I do not even know what to write today I on this; I just write something and then wait. The same lack of understanding comes back, just like before. I love to solve out things and I just can't let something go if I only have partial information. I'm like a terrier with a bone! I will try to sleuth out more information.

Being from a small town, her daughter is dating Joey's cousin. He is not that much younger than Joey, so his mother was a little concerned about age. My husband's family will therefore, probably find out more information. I believe that some information will come to light in time: some information never will. The question remains: how can things get so bad, that a mother of three will end it all?

The other subject was generated on a forum from the website I follow, "She Makes the Rules".

It is a thread on Co housing. I have only a couple of exposures to this idea. The first time I heard of this concept was when my Grandparents moved into a situation like this back east. They come from a small town in Connecticut. Unlike California, I may be generalizing here, the New Engenders don't shuttle their old off to places where they can't be seen. Maybe because the old things are still valued, the old people are more valued as well. I just sense a more, "I am too busy" to deal with older people out here. We have communities for Active Seniors , which are respected, but I think there are less hopeful communities for the seniors who are less active.

My grandparents community was set up and built by the town. It provided quality affordable housing for parent/relatives of the community members. Each house was one of four units connected by a communal laundry area. Each unit had a locking door that went into the shared laundry area. Each unit had emergency pulls on the wall, in case someone needed assistance in the bath or even in the other rooms. The gardening and upkeep was provided in
the rent costs and a community room was available for potlucks, game nights, and so forth. My favorite part was that the library, church and stores were close by, so my grandpa could walk, since he had not had a car in forever. When his eye sight became really bad: neighbors would drive him, or church friends would stop to help out. Being a proud man, he would not let them do too much, but they were clever enough to get around that. Some of the young gals would openly boast about their love for my gram and gramps. They thought my gramps was the nicest gentleman and would do anything for him. My grams was a pistol and they would laugh at her outbursts. I'll delve into these personality traits later: it is a mirror of Joey and I . This co housing worked for the seniors. It worked for their families. The families could lead their own lives, without the seniors directly underfoot. The connection was still there and most family members came and went weekly.

I think that this arrangement would only work for me when I was older, because it was worse than when I lived on a cul de sac. Everyone knew every one's business. They watched who came and went, they squabbled, albeit nicely, about who was washing and when, this was the focus of their days. I do not like being watched that closely. I feel claustrophobic and trapped by obligations. In my endless need to please others, I would be a prisoner in my own home. That is why co housing would confine me.

The other group of co housers I know of, are in a group from San Fransisco. These free spirits were a group of friends that had a like philosophy in healthy living and alternative health practices.

I do not know if I have this all correct, but here goes: they pooled money together to buy up a large tract of land in Colorado. Each couple then received a portion of the land, that was in size relation to their investment/future debt obligations. They each built a house on their land and lived as separate/ closely as they wanted. Many stayed and gained employment here. Some were not happy about the winters, some had adjustment issues, some became divorced. Like a respondent to the post mentioned, what do you do when it is time to sell? They have this issue happen to them. With the market the way it is, outsiders are moving in, the individual home sellers just want to preserve their investment. The "experiment" no longer works and is now more like a bunch of friends who may or may not live closely to each other. Even when they spaced everybody out over many acres from each other, the idea was difficult.

I think that this is often a more difficult proposition for Americans to tackle. I had an Au Pair from Sweden for one year. When I went to visit her, she lived with her parents in their home. This housing project was a bunch of houses around a grassy square. A number of these squares made up a community. The community house was available for childcare for kids infant to about 6 as a preschool during the day, and available for community use at night. Bike paths and roads connected this all together to the community. The Swedes seemed to have a healthy combination of Independence and interdependence. Maybe those long dark winters help people to appreciate each other's company more. I myself do not know if I could be happy this close to each other; but, I am an American. Fierce Independence and elbow room is my credo, ha ha. I also believe that as we age/over time, feelings and beliefs can change. I wouldn't want to live around my friends from college 24/7, my friends from my first teaching jobs/ my church friends through the years, and so on. My interests change, my values change, my friends change, heck even my husbands changed. I wouldn't want to move for each group. Although, I have moved into areas for schools, prestige, open land, jobs, and affordability. I guess these issues drive my housing decisions more.

Well, I finished the post I started yesterday. I've lost the direction I am going and not that committed to my own topic anymore...I will end it here.
I will jump in somewhere else.
Til later,