Up in Smoke

Gosh, I am silly, but I always have a sound track or reference to something else going on in my head. Today, I have the Cheech and Chong album in my head to refer to here. This is how I feel in a way. "Up in smoke" is the first thing that popped into my head when I opened the blog page to post.



No, it's not about marijuana. It's about a couple of things that relate to this name. First, it is about feeling like being on drugs. One thing I didn't expect so much about pursuing a sexual/friendship relationship with another man, was the endorphin rushes. Even Joe is feeling them.

I swear, I am experiencing a high unlike any other. I think about sex with this other man. I go crazy with desire for my husband. The whole feeling is so hard to describe. My body is literally humming with the need for sexual fulfillment. This must be why so many people "cheat". It is exciting and alluring. The only bad part about it, is that it distracts me. I could easily float through my day before. Now I obsess in my need for sexual fantasy and touch. I must say, that Joe is receiving a healthy dose of attention at this point, so he isn't exactly upset. He is actually going through a similar kind of reaction. It is like a drug that we need to have, desire to have, and continue to seek. Although I love the "highs", I do not like some of the side effects. I lose some control over myself, because I want it so much and so often. I am almost turning myself over to it. I just randomly think of the anticipated meeting, I get wet at very weird times, I find myself walking differently and being more flirtatious. I smile like the Mona Lisa at times, and the Cheshire Cat at others. It is like being crazy. Good, but out of control.



The other point of "Up in Smoke" is the fact that he could disappear and/or it is all smoke and mirrors. The fact of the matter is, this second man could walk away right now. He could be just yanking my chain like the Aussie boy. We won't be meeting for a month. While it is fun, it could be just that. Will it really happen? It could go up in smoke at any point! I will wait and see. I have an optimistic and a realistic side. I think that my mindset is influenced by the fact that so many men I meet are unreliable. Oh my gosh, they just want beat-off material. That is not my goal, although I do admit, that part is pretty yummy. The other part of going up in smoke would be if this guy had a family, other relationships, or something like that. I am not exactly willing to be patient in this area. The smoke would then be from my "dragon flames" of anger. (remember, I take things ad nauseum...it is a skill). If I were to be duped, I would walk away graciously( I think), but god help the next man...I hope he likes pain, because I would inflict it.



I think my favorite part of the Up in Smoke analogy, would be the naughtiness that album represents. I remember being at a friends house (Tammy Spicer . I still remember her name) for a sleep over. We were in grade school, but she had an older brother in High School. He owned that album (vinyl record) and we listened to with great interest. It had drugs, sex (if the van is a rockin'/don't come a knockin'). Heady stuff for elementary school girls. It is tame now, but at the time, it was risque. That is how my current life is now. Risque is my middle name!



People can't imagine what I am thinking and doing. It is certainly a wild roller coaster of emotions. At the end of the day, I wouldn't change it. I just wish I could control it. It is the wisp of smoke that I see...eventually it will fade away. For now, I will just watch it's untouchable shape float in the air. I try to appreciate it's flowing beautiful form before it vaporizes to nothing but air. If I am lucky, the smoke will remain and if I am really lucky, I will control it and make smoke rings or other odd shapes.



but for one last ad nauseum... I mostly feel like it is just smoke blown up my ass. Who knows what it really is!