Play the Game

While one reads this, it would be appropriate to play the song by Queen, "Play the Game".
That is where my title comes from. It has always been one of my favorite bands, my first rock album, and general sound track for my life...



It is interesting to see how quickly things can change. Just like when I was younger, it always seemed that if one guy was interested in me, I had others as well. I think it mostly has to do with me.

What I mean, is that I send out the "available" vibe, and the men react.



I am an oddball. I truly do not see what I do not want to see, or forge ahead in such a way that I don't even notice what is around me. Don't get me wrong, I am not rude and selfish, per se, it is just a behavior quirk that my friends around me get used to over time. It is easy to see that I do not mean to be hurtful or ill-intended. It is just the way I am. I have been called strong-willed, determined, etc. I make a decision and then do all in my powers to achieve it. I bring this up now, because that is how I am with men. I am truly ruled by my emotions, but when I want a man, I open up the access to me in my mind. Otherwise, the doors of availability are completely closed.



Take for instance, my current situation. I have been married for almost 8 years to my second husband. Until now, I would never have dated other men while married. Because we decided to try this, I now am completely open to the idea of another man being intimate with me. This opened my eyes, literally, to see when men are flirting with me, even in daily life. Whereas I would obliviously go from point A to point B before, I now notice the smiles and nods and flirting behavior.



I do not know if it is because I am projecting the "sex" vibe (my mojo), or I just am taking the time to "take in" the men. I had three guys approach me on the dating site. I took down my profile, as soon as I felt I had "a keeper". Like always, the man I liked, became very dear to me quickly. I assess a man by his eyes and his smile first. I look for something that is almost indescribable to ascertain intellectually. It is my gut feeling about them. Unfortunately because it is from my gut, the brain likes to question this assessment later. I go through some doubt of their character and question every word and action for a brief period of time. That drives me crazy.



One of the other guys, I really liked, but had some reservations about in the compatibility department. I am a strong woman. Even a submissive to me has to be fairly strong. A man's character and being must be strong, to put up with me. Harsh, but I know I am a handful and a man must be that strong for me to respect him. This other man, while willing and sweet, would have been bulldozed by me. I did not feel as strong a sexual link because of it. I do not collect harems, so I had to let him go. I hope he will find what he wants. I hope that everyone will open themselves to another and be happy.



The third guy, is just a baby. Damn, he was born 4 months after I graduated from High School. But, there is such vulnerability and youth in that boy, that it does something for you. At 27, I am guessing that he is just wanking off about me, and I am willing to play along. Why do you ask? I clearly don't put up with shit, so why do I with him. He is adorable. He is 6'5" tall with the most adorable body and face. Call me shallow, because I admit it. He pushes buttons on me that haven't been pushed since I was in High School. I play with him online, because he is fulfilling my sexual/visual requirements. If he were local, I would hook up with him for sex. I doubt that it could go further than that. I don't respect his communication skills at all, I think he is a wanker and knowingly play with him in spite of it. I only tolerate him because of his physical being. Shit, I am loving shallow! I am as bad as the guys. I would do him once just to have a piece of him. I can't believe that. Doubt that I will, he lives in Australia. Although, I may go visit my friend Anne, and you never know, heh heh!



If you stop to look at the whys of it, it makes sense. This Aussie boy represents the carnal lust. I just want his body and good looks. The first guy, that I turned down, represents a man I could have a platonic relationship with, easily. He has similar interests to me and is sweet and caring. The third man, is a combo of both. He has the intellect and wit, I crave. He is a professional that has a very active life, so he will be the opposite of clingy. He lives far enough away that he will not intrude in my daily life, and I will not intrude in his. He is attractive enough to push my desire buttons, without making me just like him for his looks. And, he pushes my lust buttons, so that I want him sexually, almost all the whole day. MMM, a good combination if you ask me!



I also had to take in account the actual love of my life: my husband Joe. He is the man that I love from my head to my toes. We wouldn't be here in this position if it wasn't for him. He allows me to be me and he accepts me for me, which is the sexiest and most loving thing any man can do for any woman.



I can't even admit that I do this. Being a bossy bitch, I admit that I can't truly accept everything about Joe, like he does me. I am a woman, so that is impossible. But I will tell you this: he is the closest thing to perfection to me. He loves me so strongly, that he will do anything to please me. We have a loving bond that could survive almost anything. Heck, he has enough confidence, that he is not jealous if I love another, sexually or mentally, because he is strong enough to know that he is mine and I am his. This quiet giant, lets me be the brat and star that I am. He delights in my antics and loves my completely irrational dichotomous self (don't you honey?)! I am in heaven. I even cry now (I'll never admit it later) as I write this, because the strength of emotion that I feel for this man is so strong. The people who know us, can see and feel this love. Everyone else, just sees the business side of our relationship. I don't know what they think, nor do I care.



Now, we play the game-of love. In this instance, Love=Sex. The fact that I want someone and someone wants me is an interesting place to be. I will try to instruct on this point, by giving illustrations of how I got to this point with my actions and beliefs.



I have been told that one man and one woman marry. I have done that...TWICE. Okay, I admit it, I always have to do things in a bigger way than someone else. But come on, even I did not want to marry twice. I don't see it as a mistake, just fitting into the world of What Should Be. I made it a goal that I would be married by 25 years old. Well, as always, I did! Set a goal, make it happen, was my motto. I was to have children and raise them as best I could. Little did I know, that when I had children, it would change the entire pattern of my life. I slowly became someone I did not like, because I stopped being in control of myself and my life. The applecart was upset by these little critters. I truly believe that if I did not have children, I would probably still be married to my first husband. He might not with me, because ironically, he was the one that wanted sons. He is just not willing to care for them daily and set their needs first. I on the other hand would give up my life for them, and I did.



I stopped working. I did things for them, not myself. I put them over my husband, since he did not put them or me first. My whole life centered around them. I became dowdy and unhappy. Not that I knew, I was focused on them and unfocused on myself. This recipe for disaster included the side dish of loss of respect. My husband and I did not respect each other anymore. My strong willed side tried to come back a few times, but I was always passively aggressively put back in place to sadness and doubt. Although we had a wrenching divorce, it was the most important gift I have ever received. I was given back, Myself.



When I accepted who I was again, the world gave me Joe. I have things so easy compared to some. I was not single for very long, and never have been. I have no idea how that works, but when I want a man, I usually get one. If I am closed off or doubt, I don't get one. During the divorce, I thought long and hard about what happened to my first marriage. What had happened to me, was that I let it happen. I was going to take back control of my life. I had to, since I had two little boys and not much hope of ever seeing eye to eye with my soon to be exhusband.

My down periods of life are intense but brief. I did not play the Woe is Me, for very long. I find that this is self indulgent and a waste of time. So, I moved on quickly. I always have situations that prime the pump. I was given the chance to date again, once I felt confident again. But at that time, I really couldn't let myself go out with the 23 year old basketball coach of my son that was sniffing round my door. I was 37, wasn't that ridiculous! I also like relationships and not just sex (no really, I do, when I am logically thinking). So I did not take him up on his attempted tries. I would have squashed him mentally and I don't like animal cruelty. hahaha

I, then was introduced to a younger than me, but older than basketball boy, man that was very sweet. I could have made it work with him, but there were just some warning signs that I couldn't ignore. He wasn't sure of his life, and he seemed to have some weird situations from the past that I did not feel he was over. Well, he was over, because I don't share and don't do dishonesty or misdirection. This set up the opening to find Joe. My pump was primed to let someone in again. I was willing to go slightly younger and willing to find love over money. I found it.

I won't delve into our relationship here, that would be off topic. So another day perhaps.

I see the sweet man that I met first being my pump primer. Unfortunately for him, that is the role he served, but it really was the best for both of us. I was thrilled when the next guy contacted me. He messaged me. That is good, because a lot of the men on SMTR are so passive I want to puke at times. Being submissive, means submitting to the woman you love, not the whole damned world every minute of the day! Sorry, I digress, that is my opinion for what I want. I had winked at the first guy and wanted to meet him. This guy had wanted to meet me, from my profile. I wouldn't have contacted him first, because he had no picture on his profile, and I judge about the inner person from the outer person. I don't go by looks; it is more a general sense of who they are.

This new guy put something in his email that made me want to contact him. I can't remember the exact turn of events, but we started IMing or something and then moved to a phone conversation next. Okay, you won't believe this, but 4 or 5 hours later, I had a feeling that this was the guy. I called my hubby to let him know. He knew I was talking on the phone with him, but thought I had left and gone and done something else. He was floored that I had talked for so long. Don't get me wrong, he knew I could do that, but another guy that could keep up conversation that long and still have me interested in them is a BIG thing. I told Joe that I like him and thought he would too. The guys were going to talk to each other on the phone the next day. Joe is very protective of me. He wanted to make sure this guy is "real". He trusted my instincts but wanted to know that I would be safe and well cared for in the future.

Now I know that my skeptical side/rational mind doubted my emotional response to this man. And, I will never truly know the truth until I meet this man and find out about his "real" life. But, I feel it is worth taking the chance. I am willing to "Play the Game".