I can tell that things are changing.
I don't believe there is only one way of doing or thinking. I also rebel against injustice and pigeonholing. But the societal constraints of my life have been pulling me for some time. I also care what others think (deep down) and will often arrange my behavior to fit the group. I have chosen to pursue a career that typically demands model behavior. Working with children and teens makes me watch my P's and Q's.
Luckily, or by design, I chose to work part time for the rest of my life. If anyone has a problem with my behavior, I would just slip away. I know that I would be judged "unfit" to work with kids, but like any consenting adult should, my private life is private. I don't feel the need to tell the community I work in, what my private details are. I am aware that it is easy to judge that which we do not understand. Heck, it's even easy to judge what we do understand. Unfortunately, like all scandals in the press and society, we just blow things out of proportion. Hopefully, I will be allowed to be me and still be the "old me". I am one and the same; it is just the information that others know that is different. People will place their values on my life and I will be weighed.
I have always had definite opinions of my own. I just try not to judge too harshly, the ones I may or may not see eye to eye. I am always pushing my own boundaries and doing everything I always said "I'd never do". Sometimes it is as innocuous as dying my hair, so the gray won't show. Sometimes it is as wild as opening up my marriage to other men. Either action is something I was convinced at one time I wouldn't do. Now don't get me wrong, there are boundaries that I will never cross. This is certain. But the ones' that become opportunities rather than absolutes are up for negotiations.
I plan on changing quite a few things in the future. I want to move out of California. I have for some time. I do not like how the state is run and how expensive things are here. I want a different pace and a different kind of people. I have lived in San Diego County since 1970. I feel like I only have the one perspective of life; almost an ethnocentric perspective, of Southern Californians. I have travelled a little, so I know that people in different states can act a little differently than here. I would like the perspective of my life to shift to what I think is important, and often that is a non California type of view and focus. My parents determined where I would grow up and live. Circumstance determined that I would stay here. And ultimately, I believe that if I want to own my life, I will need to leave the area I grew up in, to find a place that I really want to be. I guess one could argue that we should be happy where we are, at that moment, but what is wrong with finding the place that would lift your soul and give you the freedom to be who we really want to be. That is what I seek. I am not running away or seeking, I am trying to actively determine what would work best for my man and I. The hard thing is...what if I choose "wrong".
Welcome to the world of the average man. I will be making the decision of what and where we should be, but I truly do not enjoy the pressure of bad decisions. I construct a life where I do not regret many former actions. I am not overly cautious nor overly disregarding of responsibility; just very careful to see the positives and negatives. Oh, and my husband would probably say, I over analyse everything to the point of ridiculousness. It is a skill and a source of amusement to all my friends. Just like I have quick wit, I am quick to think of 20 billion things from a single comment. The trail of how I got there always baffles people when I am asked. My room-mate from college, who knows me fairly well, will once in awhile stop me and ask how I got from point a to point b. She says that she can usually follow the path, but is stumped this time. When I tell her the progression, she gets it and follows what I am talking about.
Yes, therefore, I have a continual inner conversation with myself. It won't shut off. That is why I am enjoying the blog and the website. I love the brain exercise. I love to exchange ideas and learn new and different ways of thinking.
I started this yesterday, before all my computer issues. I will end here because I tire of trying to figure out where it was going.
let me start with something new later.