Sunday, May 31, 2009

I can tell that things are changing.

I don't believe there is only one way of doing or thinking. I also rebel against injustice and pigeonholing. But the societal constraints of my life have been pulling me for some time. I also care what others think (deep down) and will often arrange my behavior to fit the group. I have chosen to pursue a career that typically demands model behavior. Working with children and teens makes me watch my P's and Q's.

Luckily, or by design, I chose to work part time for the rest of my life. If anyone has a problem with my behavior, I would just slip away. I know that I would be judged "unfit" to work with kids, but like any consenting adult should, my private life is private. I don't feel the need to tell the community I work in, what my private details are. I am aware that it is easy to judge that which we do not understand. Heck, it's even easy to judge what we do understand. Unfortunately, like all scandals in the press and society, we just blow things out of proportion. Hopefully, I will be allowed to be me and still be the "old me". I am one and the same; it is just the information that others know that is different. People will place their values on my life and I will be weighed.

I have always had definite opinions of my own. I just try not to judge too harshly, the ones I may or may not see eye to eye. I am always pushing my own boundaries and doing everything I always said "I'd never do". Sometimes it is as innocuous as dying my hair, so the gray won't show. Sometimes it is as wild as opening up my marriage to other men. Either action is something I was convinced at one time I wouldn't do. Now don't get me wrong, there are boundaries that I will never cross. This is certain. But the ones' that become opportunities rather than absolutes are up for negotiations.

I plan on changing quite a few things in the future. I want to move out of California. I have for some time. I do not like how the state is run and how expensive things are here. I want a different pace and a different kind of people. I have lived in San Diego County since 1970. I feel like I only have the one perspective of life; almost an ethnocentric perspective, of Southern Californians. I have travelled a little, so I know that people in different states can act a little differently than here. I would like the perspective of my life to shift to what I think is important, and often that is a non California type of view and focus. My parents determined where I would grow up and live. Circumstance determined that I would stay here. And ultimately, I believe that if I want to own my life, I will need to leave the area I grew up in, to find a place that I really want to be. I guess one could argue that we should be happy where we are, at that moment, but what is wrong with finding the place that would lift your soul and give you the freedom to be who we really want to be. That is what I seek. I am not running away or seeking, I am trying to actively determine what would work best for my man and I. The hard thing is...what if I choose "wrong".

Welcome to the world of the average man. I will be making the decision of what and where we should be, but I truly do not enjoy the pressure of bad decisions. I construct a life where I do not regret many former actions. I am not overly cautious nor overly disregarding of responsibility; just very careful to see the positives and negatives. Oh, and my husband would probably say, I over analyse everything to the point of ridiculousness.  It is a skill and a source of amusement to all my friends.  Just like I have quick wit, I am quick to think of 20 billion things from a single comment.  The trail of how I got there always baffles people when I am asked.  My room-mate from college, who knows me fairly well, will once in awhile stop me and ask how I got from point a to point b.  She says that she can usually follow the path, but is stumped this time.  When I tell her the progression, she gets it and follows what I am talking about.  

Yes, therefore, I have a continual inner conversation with myself.  It won't shut off.  That is why I am enjoying the blog and the website.  I love the brain exercise.  I love to exchange ideas and learn new and different ways of thinking.

I started this yesterday, before all my computer issues.  I will end here because I tire of trying to figure out where it was going.

let me start with something new later.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Up in Smoke

Gosh, I am silly, but I always have a sound track or reference to something else going on in my head. Today, I have the Cheech and Chong album in my head to refer to here. This is how I feel in a way. "Up in smoke" is the first thing that popped into my head when I opened the blog page to post.

No, it's not about marijuana. It's about a couple of things that relate to this name. First, it is about feeling like being on drugs. One thing I didn't expect so much about pursuing a sexual/friendship relationship with another man, was the endorphin rushes. Even Joe is feeling them.

I swear, I am experiencing a high unlike any other. I think about sex with this other man. I go crazy with desire for my husband. The whole feeling is so hard to describe. My body is literally humming with the need for sexual fulfillment. This must be why so many people "cheat". It is exciting and alluring. The only bad part about it, is that it distracts me. I could easily float through my day before. Now I obsess in my need for sexual fantasy and touch. I must say, that Joe is receiving a healthy dose of attention at this point, so he isn't exactly upset. He is actually going through a similar kind of reaction. It is like a drug that we need to have, desire to have, and continue to seek. Although I love the "highs", I do not like some of the side effects. I lose some control over myself, because I want it so much and so often. I am almost turning myself over to it. I just randomly think of the anticipated meeting, I get wet at very weird times, I find myself walking differently and being more flirtatious. I smile like the Mona Lisa at times, and the Cheshire Cat at others. It is like being crazy. Good, but out of control.

The other point of "Up in Smoke" is the fact that he could disappear and/or it is all smoke and mirrors. The fact of the matter is, this second man could walk away right now. He could be just yanking my chain like the Aussie boy. We won't be meeting for a month. While it is fun, it could be just that. Will it really happen? It could go up in smoke at any point! I will wait and see. I have an optimistic and a realistic side. I think that my mindset is influenced by the fact that so many men I meet are unreliable. Oh my gosh, they just want beat-off material. That is not my goal, although I do admit, that part is pretty yummy. The other part of going up in smoke would be if this guy had a family, other relationships, or something like that. I am not exactly willing to be patient in this area. The smoke would then be from my "dragon flames" of anger. (remember, I take things ad is a skill). If I were to be duped, I would walk away graciously( I think), but god help the next man...I hope he likes pain, because I would inflict it.

I think my favorite part of the Up in Smoke analogy, would be the naughtiness that album represents. I remember being at a friends house (Tammy Spicer . I still remember her name) for a sleep over. We were in grade school, but she had an older brother in High School. He owned that album (vinyl record) and we listened to with great interest. It had drugs, sex (if the van is a rockin'/don't come a knockin'). Heady stuff for elementary school girls. It is tame now, but at the time, it was risque. That is how my current life is now. Risque is my middle name!

People can't imagine what I am thinking and doing. It is certainly a wild roller coaster of emotions. At the end of the day, I wouldn't change it. I just wish I could control it. It is the wisp of smoke that I see...eventually it will fade away. For now, I will just watch it's untouchable shape float in the air. I try to appreciate it's flowing beautiful form before it vaporizes to nothing but air. If I am lucky, the smoke will remain and if I am really lucky, I will control it and make smoke rings or other odd shapes.

but for one last ad nauseum... I mostly feel like it is just smoke blown up my ass. Who knows what it really is!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Play the Game

While one reads this, it would be appropriate to play the song by Queen, "Play the Game".
That is where my title comes from. It has always been one of my favorite bands, my first rock album, and general sound track for my life...

It is interesting to see how quickly things can change. Just like when I was younger, it always seemed that if one guy was interested in me, I had others as well. I think it mostly has to do with me.

What I mean, is that I send out the "available" vibe, and the men react.

I am an oddball. I truly do not see what I do not want to see, or forge ahead in such a way that I don't even notice what is around me. Don't get me wrong, I am not rude and selfish, per se, it is just a behavior quirk that my friends around me get used to over time. It is easy to see that I do not mean to be hurtful or ill-intended. It is just the way I am. I have been called strong-willed, determined, etc. I make a decision and then do all in my powers to achieve it. I bring this up now, because that is how I am with men. I am truly ruled by my emotions, but when I want a man, I open up the access to me in my mind. Otherwise, the doors of availability are completely closed.

Take for instance, my current situation. I have been married for almost 8 years to my second husband. Until now, I would never have dated other men while married. Because we decided to try this, I now am completely open to the idea of another man being intimate with me. This opened my eyes, literally, to see when men are flirting with me, even in daily life. Whereas I would obliviously go from point A to point B before, I now notice the smiles and nods and flirting behavior.

I do not know if it is because I am projecting the "sex" vibe (my mojo), or I just am taking the time to "take in" the men. I had three guys approach me on the dating site. I took down my profile, as soon as I felt I had "a keeper". Like always, the man I liked, became very dear to me quickly. I assess a man by his eyes and his smile first. I look for something that is almost indescribable to ascertain intellectually. It is my gut feeling about them. Unfortunately because it is from my gut, the brain likes to question this assessment later. I go through some doubt of their character and question every word and action for a brief period of time. That drives me crazy.

One of the other guys, I really liked, but had some reservations about in the compatibility department. I am a strong woman. Even a submissive to me has to be fairly strong. A man's character and being must be strong, to put up with me. Harsh, but I know I am a handful and a man must be that strong for me to respect him. This other man, while willing and sweet, would have been bulldozed by me. I did not feel as strong a sexual link because of it. I do not collect harems, so I had to let him go. I hope he will find what he wants. I hope that everyone will open themselves to another and be happy.

The third guy, is just a baby. Damn, he was born 4 months after I graduated from High School. But, there is such vulnerability and youth in that boy, that it does something for you. At 27, I am guessing that he is just wanking off about me, and I am willing to play along. Why do you ask? I clearly don't put up with shit, so why do I with him. He is adorable. He is 6'5" tall with the most adorable body and face. Call me shallow, because I admit it. He pushes buttons on me that haven't been pushed since I was in High School. I play with him online, because he is fulfilling my sexual/visual requirements. If he were local, I would hook up with him for sex. I doubt that it could go further than that. I don't respect his communication skills at all, I think he is a wanker and knowingly play with him in spite of it. I only tolerate him because of his physical being. Shit, I am loving shallow! I am as bad as the guys. I would do him once just to have a piece of him. I can't believe that. Doubt that I will, he lives in Australia. Although, I may go visit my friend Anne, and you never know, heh heh!

If you stop to look at the whys of it, it makes sense. This Aussie boy represents the carnal lust. I just want his body and good looks. The first guy, that I turned down, represents a man I could have a platonic relationship with, easily. He has similar interests to me and is sweet and caring. The third man, is a combo of both. He has the intellect and wit, I crave. He is a professional that has a very active life, so he will be the opposite of clingy. He lives far enough away that he will not intrude in my daily life, and I will not intrude in his. He is attractive enough to push my desire buttons, without making me just like him for his looks. And, he pushes my lust buttons, so that I want him sexually, almost all the whole day. MMM, a good combination if you ask me!

I also had to take in account the actual love of my life: my husband Joe. He is the man that I love from my head to my toes. We wouldn't be here in this position if it wasn't for him. He allows me to be me and he accepts me for me, which is the sexiest and most loving thing any man can do for any woman.

I can't even admit that I do this. Being a bossy bitch, I admit that I can't truly accept everything about Joe, like he does me. I am a woman, so that is impossible. But I will tell you this: he is the closest thing to perfection to me. He loves me so strongly, that he will do anything to please me. We have a loving bond that could survive almost anything. Heck, he has enough confidence, that he is not jealous if I love another, sexually or mentally, because he is strong enough to know that he is mine and I am his. This quiet giant, lets me be the brat and star that I am. He delights in my antics and loves my completely irrational dichotomous self (don't you honey?)! I am in heaven. I even cry now (I'll never admit it later) as I write this, because the strength of emotion that I feel for this man is so strong. The people who know us, can see and feel this love. Everyone else, just sees the business side of our relationship. I don't know what they think, nor do I care.

Now, we play the game-of love. In this instance, Love=Sex. The fact that I want someone and someone wants me is an interesting place to be. I will try to instruct on this point, by giving illustrations of how I got to this point with my actions and beliefs.

I have been told that one man and one woman marry. I have done that...TWICE. Okay, I admit it, I always have to do things in a bigger way than someone else. But come on, even I did not want to marry twice. I don't see it as a mistake, just fitting into the world of What Should Be. I made it a goal that I would be married by 25 years old. Well, as always, I did! Set a goal, make it happen, was my motto. I was to have children and raise them as best I could. Little did I know, that when I had children, it would change the entire pattern of my life. I slowly became someone I did not like, because I stopped being in control of myself and my life. The applecart was upset by these little critters. I truly believe that if I did not have children, I would probably still be married to my first husband. He might not with me, because ironically, he was the one that wanted sons. He is just not willing to care for them daily and set their needs first. I on the other hand would give up my life for them, and I did.

I stopped working. I did things for them, not myself. I put them over my husband, since he did not put them or me first. My whole life centered around them. I became dowdy and unhappy. Not that I knew, I was focused on them and unfocused on myself. This recipe for disaster included the side dish of loss of respect. My husband and I did not respect each other anymore. My strong willed side tried to come back a few times, but I was always passively aggressively put back in place to sadness and doubt. Although we had a wrenching divorce, it was the most important gift I have ever received. I was given back, Myself.

When I accepted who I was again, the world gave me Joe. I have things so easy compared to some. I was not single for very long, and never have been. I have no idea how that works, but when I want a man, I usually get one. If I am closed off or doubt, I don't get one. During the divorce, I thought long and hard about what happened to my first marriage. What had happened to me, was that I let it happen. I was going to take back control of my life. I had to, since I had two little boys and not much hope of ever seeing eye to eye with my soon to be exhusband.

My down periods of life are intense but brief. I did not play the Woe is Me, for very long. I find that this is self indulgent and a waste of time. So, I moved on quickly. I always have situations that prime the pump. I was given the chance to date again, once I felt confident again. But at that time, I really couldn't let myself go out with the 23 year old basketball coach of my son that was sniffing round my door. I was 37, wasn't that ridiculous! I also like relationships and not just sex (no really, I do, when I am logically thinking). So I did not take him up on his attempted tries. I would have squashed him mentally and I don't like animal cruelty. hahaha

I, then was introduced to a younger than me, but older than basketball boy, man that was very sweet. I could have made it work with him, but there were just some warning signs that I couldn't ignore. He wasn't sure of his life, and he seemed to have some weird situations from the past that I did not feel he was over. Well, he was over, because I don't share and don't do dishonesty or misdirection. This set up the opening to find Joe. My pump was primed to let someone in again. I was willing to go slightly younger and willing to find love over money. I found it.

I won't delve into our relationship here, that would be off topic. So another day perhaps.

I see the sweet man that I met first being my pump primer. Unfortunately for him, that is the role he served, but it really was the best for both of us. I was thrilled when the next guy contacted me. He messaged me. That is good, because a lot of the men on SMTR are so passive I want to puke at times. Being submissive, means submitting to the woman you love, not the whole damned world every minute of the day! Sorry, I digress, that is my opinion for what I want. I had winked at the first guy and wanted to meet him. This guy had wanted to meet me, from my profile. I wouldn't have contacted him first, because he had no picture on his profile, and I judge about the inner person from the outer person. I don't go by looks; it is more a general sense of who they are.

This new guy put something in his email that made me want to contact him. I can't remember the exact turn of events, but we started IMing or something and then moved to a phone conversation next. Okay, you won't believe this, but 4 or 5 hours later, I had a feeling that this was the guy. I called my hubby to let him know. He knew I was talking on the phone with him, but thought I had left and gone and done something else. He was floored that I had talked for so long. Don't get me wrong, he knew I could do that, but another guy that could keep up conversation that long and still have me interested in them is a BIG thing. I told Joe that I like him and thought he would too. The guys were going to talk to each other on the phone the next day. Joe is very protective of me. He wanted to make sure this guy is "real". He trusted my instincts but wanted to know that I would be safe and well cared for in the future.

Now I know that my skeptical side/rational mind doubted my emotional response to this man. And, I will never truly know the truth until I meet this man and find out about his "real" life. But, I feel it is worth taking the chance. I am willing to "Play the Game".

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Land of Discovery

I am at the end of my second trip to Portland. Joe and I were here maybe a month ago. It is amazing to me, to that so much has happened in such a short time.

What do I refer to now? Well, I feel like it has been a voyage of self discovery. We, as a couple, enjoy a Female Led Relationship. I love that my husband allows me to make the decisions for us as a couple. I may not make all the decisions, thank God, but I have the final word. Joe is the ultimate man. He is caring and kind; strong and able to tackle most problems. He loves to make me happy and he cooks! I love that he will excite me with his tenderness and concern for me. I am a lucky girl.
We also have a little kink in the bedroom. While some fear it, I embrace it. My man is so turned on by the way I tease and deny him. I can play to the masochist in him in so many ways. I am actually surprised by my reactions to this. I feel a thrill when he is enjoying a whipping, or caning. Discipline is used for bad behavior, and general play completes the picture. I like to "play" with him in so many ways. I don't plan it out, but take it as I go. I think most people would be surprised at the fun we have with this type of play. I know that it really floats Joe boat, so how could it be bad?!

Not everything we do is for everyone. I know that many people would be absolutely shocked at the next part of our relationship. We have begun a relationship with a third person. Just like when I met Joe, I have developed a quick and somewhat deep relationship online with another man.
Joe satisfies me very deeply. He does have limitations. His arthritis makes it impossible for him to do many sexual things with me. He can't raise his arms very high, he can't support weight on his knees, and bending is not his forte. While this has never been a "problem" for us, it has been recently seen as something I do miss after all. I only know this, because this new man and I are conversing about our fantasies and what we will do when we meet. This has stirred in me, new and old longings.
The strangest part of all, is that it does not seem like "cheating" or any different than another component of our kink in our marriage. I am very hot for this new man, but he knows about my marriage and has spoken with Joe via the phone. Joe is very hot because I am. He also likes the way that this relationship pushes his sub-buttons. As I read the contents of our online communications, he becomes very aroused. This cyber relationship does much to stimulate our respective juices. Even the new guy is getting off on this dynamic. He has included ideas to exclude Joe, which includes Joe. That part surprised me; we never really leave the fact that I am married. It is fact that we gleefully dance around.

I used to wonder what was "in it" for the two guys. I no longer do, so much. I mean look at what I get. A devoted loving husband and a totally turned on man to have jungle sex with me. What's the downside? Well, not much. My husband is more turned on than ever, because he knows that this relationship is allowing him to make him feel more "unworthy" of me. I adore him, so this does not provide him with the need he feels, to make him feel degraded and unworthy. The new guy is getting the thrill of taking away from another man. He is also getting the best sex talk and acts that one can provide. I also don't take up as much time as a full time relationship.

The difference with this cyber relationship, is that it will not only be in cyber space. My boyfriend and I are going to meet. We will actually be together in all senses of the word. I can tell and hope that this will be quite a meeting. We know we are going to have sex together. Joe knows it as well. This intimate act for two people has become intimate for three people. Why do I say that? Well, the whole construct includes Joe, even though he won't be present. We taunt him with the fact that this will happen. Believe me, this does not make Joe mad, but actually excites him. He loves that my guy is reving me up.

My boyfriend is going to provide me with the parts of sex that I currently do not have. He will, in theory, outlast Joe and give me a more athletic version of sexual intercourse. Trust me, that part is terrific. The other terrific part is the thrill of contacting each other and sharing our fantasies and desires. This is ultimately shared with all parties. I am pleasantly surprised, that Joe is always in our minds. What will he think or do? Or, not do with me as the case will be. My boyfriend will get privileges with me, that we are going to deny Joe with, for awhile. While I have never been a shrinking violet, I am happily pleased that I have opened a new way of thinking and talking with the new man. I am a dirty girl. I talk about "dirty" things and love it. I wouldn't do this with Joe in the same way. I guess that different relationships grow and develop in there own ways with their own rules.

In any event, it is one of the most exciting things to happen to all three of us, I believe. I don't let Joe talk about this topic, because although he is part of it, he is also excluded by it. I do want to keep some of this private, because I do not feel that everyone will understand it, nor do I want my private life with my boyfriend to be out for public consumption. It is that exciting!

Thank you both! On to discovering more!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Well, I must say, it's been awhile since my last blog.

I guess I have always had an "artist's" temperament and seem to be most creative when I am trying to work something out or have high emotions about something. I guess I only really wrote great poetry when I was heartbroken over some guy, or mad at my mom. I never drew pictures really, but I sketch pictures of bleak landscapes or forlorn girls gazing off into the distance. I only really played my flute when I "felt" like it. I'd practice with the group, but not unless so moved, to practice on my own. Even now, I'll play a hymn in church, with so much emotion, that it is often months to a year for me to play again.

I also get embarrassed by praise. Culturally, I was taught to be humble and that it was self-indulgent to hear praise about one's self. Also, the pride cometh before the fall, was a doctrine I lived with daily. Asians believe that evil will befall those who are prideful; my east coast relatives believe you will get you comeuppance if you are prideful. Either way, I shirk praise, yet long for it and seek it. This is one of the many manifestations of my dual Pisces nature.

Most parts of me are thus. I am bold, but shy. Completely forthcoming about anything I say and do, yet so private that people do not really know me. I am liberal in much of my thinking and action, yet I am conservative to the core. I long for city things, yet need to be in a rural area to keep my head clear and not be near other people. I also am a dominant woman with the most dependant tendicies. I appear to be a few steps behind my husband, but am the one in charge. I love to work with kids, but they drive me crazy. I like order, but have none in my life.

I have not posted, I suppose, because I came back from Portland, so happy to have met some terrific women. I feel great in my relationship. I have no unresolved issues at present, and I am extremely busy time wise, as I am every year at the end of a school year. In opening myself up to where I would like to be on a daily basis, I guess I have closed myself off in other ways. I am taking stock of it all. I am giving others a chance to speak. I am afraid of hogging the spotlight.
Wow, I feel complicated at times. I remember growing up and saying that I wished I was stupid or simple. My brain never shuts off. Sometimes I have to go into a "hibernate" mode. I withdraw slightly. Never fully conscious of this, I kind of retreat. Thank God, Joe is able to do most of the work that I do not do. Things kind of slow down for me, but not for the rest of my family. Before you think I am completely crazy, I think this is due somewhat to my manic ways, but mostly a safety release for getting burned out. I think the way I hike or run is a good example of this. I much prefer to go in short, quick bursts with rests in between, rather than slow and steady, consistantly to the end. I envy those who complete everything, pace themselves, and make time for themselves. I would be the tortured artiste, except for the actual art part. I have always wanted to write a book. Perhaps I will be the grandma moses of books, or the margaret mitchell, one novel writer. In any event, I feel no need for the spotlight, when I think it through; no need for fame. I just want happiness and contentedness. Well, having no concern for money would be nice...but we can't have it all, if we don't work for it.

where does this rambling lead? nowhere or somewhere?! whatever...I'm here!