Saturday, April 18, 2009

How do you do?

Well, we made it to the great Northwest. If any of you have been following my life as it relates to FLR, I am a member of a website called, She Makes The Rules. Joe and I are at the place we are at today because of this website. It has served as my compass and teacher. I really feel a connection with that community, especially the woman who run and moderate the site. I felt so strongly, that I was determined to go North and meet these women. As I stated earlier, I love seeing the "real" person and making connections.

Well, we are here in Portland to meet with these women and it has been phenomenal. I highly recommend getting out there and meeting with members. Jump in your car, train, or plane and go to a Tea. We have met quite a few members of the SMTR website and we have not been disappointed yet. This is even more involved. Everyone has been so much fun to get to know. I have definitely exercised my "laugh muscle" since I have been here. Not everyone does things or sees things the same way we do, but that is interesting in itself. I have really enjoyed just watching, listening and participating with the group.

It is hard to believe how everyone has come together from different cities and we all just have a really good time. The experience has been very personal for Joe and I , so I do not feel the need to share details. It's not about kink (even though there is some of that), it is not about watching how others interact (although I enjoy that too), it is about real, everyday people enjoying each other's company, humor, and selves. I do not even feel the need to visit any tourist destinations while I am here. The people brought us to the city and by gosh, they are a destination in themselves. I will cherish this time, this experience for a long time, and it is only half over.

Okay, enough with the schmaltz, I think you get the point.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Is This What You Have Been Waiting For?

For those of you who have been waiting for my discussion on a female led relationship; here is is.

I am in an Female Led Relationship.

Was it what you expected? I have learned that you can't really expect anything. Each relationship has different ways of going about it. My sub hub and I are exploring what works for us. The best thing I have found, is that you find a community of supportive people to bounce ideas off of, now and again. I may not do everything listed by everyone, but have found trial and error to be the way for us.

I notice that a lot of woman are led to an FLR through their husband's desires. Most often, this involves his fantasies and/or kink. I am intrigued that some woman realize that they have a need to be the dominant and then search for a man to fill this need. I wonder if this changes the dynamic of the relationship in such a way that the experience is different. Of course I know that there is no "one way" of an FLR, I merely wonder if the mindset causes the entire experience to change.

I feel lucky, because I already have a man. A man who loves and adores me. He already desires to submit and serve me. He also does not question my leadership. He doesn't just desire fantasy. He does not pay lip-service to me; he actually wants me to be in charge. I have recently witnessed and/or heard about relationships where the man says he wants a dominant woman, but he really just wants to lead a woman to do the things that he wants. I do not feel that this would be fulfilling for either party. That is very similar to how Joe and I first started. I did not know what it was all about, and Joe never experienced what a true female led relationship was, he always was a little unsatisfied with the result. I never felt the deep connection either, because that was just another game we played in the bedroom.

When I fully came to realize what this all meant, everything changed. The depth of feelings on both sides is incredible. I can know, with all my heart and soul, that Joe lives and breathes for me. He desires to make my life easier, more blessed, more fulfilled. I adore his devotion to me. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I am a bit lazy or selfish, once in a while. These messages put in my head from my family, society, wherever, are hard to silence. They do get quieter, but I think like any bad habit, it can take awhile to change.

I am in a Female Led Relationship! What power it is to say it out loud.

Why should we hide our true selves? Why should this be weird? I find it sad that we will face the judgement and ridicule from others. But then again, why shouldn't we, since I was judgemental about other things before and will be again in the future. I guess the real issue is to learn to temper that judgement. Learn to be more willing to accept others ourselves. Generally, I notice it is a matter of walk the walk and talk the talk. If you act like it is okay, others don't usually have a problem with it either.

The most interesting element of our change, is that the more open I am about myself being in a Female Led Relationship, the less I feel the need to write about it. I think that writing originally let me "figure out" a lot of ideas about FLRs. The act of writing was tied to thinking, solving, reflecting. Now that I am with a bunch of people who share certain ideals. I am no longer stifled to act or feel any particular way, and so I am free to be exactly who I am. This takes away the necessity to write anything much on the subject. It is as if, the FLR has become a part of my being. I am no longer unresolved or questioning. I still will be curious and still wish to share; but I feel the dynamic has changed. That's nice. Is this what I've been waiting for? Like the FLR itself, I did not know it; but, yes I think it is what I have been waiting for all this time.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Do you like what you see?

It has been a few days since my last post. I just haven't had a burning desire to tackle any particular subject. I guess I do now.

I have been thinking about how most people feel more comfortable with a false perception of people. If I can even explain this, it would go something like this: Most people would like to know less about you and even a false picture of you, so that it is comfortable, rather than real.

I believe that most people do not enjoy intellectual debate. This is evidenced by the mere drivel that people often talk about. I can't really discuss the latest American Idol or Dancing with the Stars episode, I don't do T.V. People are shocked that my kids and I do not have cable (not in our area, we have satellite available only, and we don't subscribe). I don't even know half the people on the magazines. As I stand at the checkout counters, I laugh now, because the pictures and headlines are so crazy. These facts of our media consumption, limit us to shallow talk. I sense that my work friends, do not have the time nor inclination to discuss, "heavy topics". Most teens just watch worthless Youtube videos, when they are on the Internet, and seem to spend to rest of the time texting each other in some kind of misspelled short hand. I can sense that even my "well "of vocabulary is drying up from lack of use. What happened to using words as an art form? I am worried that we will all being talking like a Dr. Seuss book, limited to 100 of the simplest vocabulary words that are used most often.

If words are useful to express how we think, are we thinking less now, because we use less words?

I also become so bogged down with life sometimes, that I just do not want to think. Everybody feels this. Let's just put in a DVD, an IPod, search the Internet, play video games, rather than interact with a person. It's just too much effort to connect with people. We live in a remote area. Most people out here do not get together very often. We don't have people over, or they us. We don't have places to gather with others either. Even when we do get together, it is cocktail type conversation. I don't know if you had this, but us college kids would sit for hours and discuss the state of the world, us, the future, etc. That was an extremely self indulgent, but a big part of our lives. Now I feel like these most people and I have the People magazine version of discussions. As Jeff Goldblume in "The Big Chill" says about "People Magazine", the stories are long enough to cover the facts in the time that a person sits on the toilet (don't know the exact quote-remember I am a big picture person, not exact quotes). That is the extent of most of my face to face interactions with people. Say what you have to say in the depth and time that it takes for one crap. Well, that is crap to me.

No one wants to risk exposing themselves. In a climate of mistrust and judgement, we have an image to uphold: To be something we are not, to satisfy whom?

Take me as I am, the title to a song, is my credo. I try to live with little falsehoods, I probably keep a few though. This is due to the fact that I cannot stand false people. Trust and honesty are very important to me. These factors often cause me to be very disappointed in others. I believe this is the reason others protect themselves by not exposing themselves to others. What a risk it is to show who you really are, and then have someone reject you.

I believe that we are a land of imitation products. Fake butter, fake boobs, fake pictures, fake people. I want real things. Real food, real bodies, real scenes captured, real flawed people, real wood, real air, and so forth. I think living in the back country makes me feel this way. I am removed from the "city" and the concerns of it. Life does not revolve around my clothes, my car, my house, my TV, cell phone, restaurants or entertainment I go to, causes I profess on my bumper sticker, or places I travel. These are all lovely things and I love to hear about them, but it is not who I am, or you are. That is what you have and do. Who are you? What makes you tick? I think there is less pause to reflect on this. This is why I think I like this new medium of blogging and writing posts on the forum I visit. I have rekindled my passion for thoughts:mine and others. The only component missing, is meeting with people face to face to discuss these issues or even not discuss them.

I long for human connection of a meaningful kind. Why do most interactions with people seem surface level at best? When I was younger, I had room fulls of people to choose from as my friends. Now that I am older, they are people of circumstance: jobs, school parents, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have tons of acquaintances, but that is exactly what I think they are. Nothing more and nothing less. A true friend, like I had when I was younger. I have my husband and he is my best friend. Is that why I do not have another?

I will go forth, I will be real, I will say what other people probably wouldn't say...out loud, and let's just see what happens.

I am gaining the courage I respect to let people see me in whatever light they wish to see me. I have amazingly felt the need to be strong and not hide that I am a dominant woman and lead my husband. That is who I am and my jobs can take the hit, if people judge me for it. My neighbors can judge me if they want, my family, my acquaintances, whomever. I will not compromise and hide such a vital part of me. Not everyone would do it this way, but I will. I won't go out of my way to open this part of me up, but neither will I hide it.

As one of my favorite Queen songs says, "I'm free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you! I want to be free. I've got to be free". While harsh, it is the truth.

You be the judge...I am okay with that. Even if you don't agree!

I welcome comments.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Death and Mortgages

I have a couple things that I wish to ruminate over today.

The first is back to the discussion on suicide. Strangely enough, probably while I was watching the movie, "The Bridge" and posting my reactions on it; Joe's girl pal from high school committed suicide. Coincidence? Probably not!

They grew up in a small community. She married young and had three children. She was the gal that held my Joey's heart first.

I do not even know what to write today I on this; I just write something and then wait. The same lack of understanding comes back, just like before. I love to solve out things and I just can't let something go if I only have partial information. I'm like a terrier with a bone! I will try to sleuth out more information.

Being from a small town, her daughter is dating Joey's cousin. He is not that much younger than Joey, so his mother was a little concerned about age. My husband's family will therefore, probably find out more information. I believe that some information will come to light in time: some information never will. The question remains: how can things get so bad, that a mother of three will end it all?

The other subject was generated on a forum from the website I follow, "She Makes the Rules".

It is a thread on Co housing. I have only a couple of exposures to this idea. The first time I heard of this concept was when my Grandparents moved into a situation like this back east. They come from a small town in Connecticut. Unlike California, I may be generalizing here, the New Engenders don't shuttle their old off to places where they can't be seen. Maybe because the old things are still valued, the old people are more valued as well. I just sense a more, "I am too busy" to deal with older people out here. We have communities for Active Seniors , which are respected, but I think there are less hopeful communities for the seniors who are less active.

My grandparents community was set up and built by the town. It provided quality affordable housing for parent/relatives of the community members. Each house was one of four units connected by a communal laundry area. Each unit had a locking door that went into the shared laundry area. Each unit had emergency pulls on the wall, in case someone needed assistance in the bath or even in the other rooms. The gardening and upkeep was provided in
the rent costs and a community room was available for potlucks, game nights, and so forth. My favorite part was that the library, church and stores were close by, so my grandpa could walk, since he had not had a car in forever. When his eye sight became really bad: neighbors would drive him, or church friends would stop to help out. Being a proud man, he would not let them do too much, but they were clever enough to get around that. Some of the young gals would openly boast about their love for my gram and gramps. They thought my gramps was the nicest gentleman and would do anything for him. My grams was a pistol and they would laugh at her outbursts. I'll delve into these personality traits later: it is a mirror of Joey and I . This co housing worked for the seniors. It worked for their families. The families could lead their own lives, without the seniors directly underfoot. The connection was still there and most family members came and went weekly.

I think that this arrangement would only work for me when I was older, because it was worse than when I lived on a cul de sac. Everyone knew every one's business. They watched who came and went, they squabbled, albeit nicely, about who was washing and when, this was the focus of their days. I do not like being watched that closely. I feel claustrophobic and trapped by obligations. In my endless need to please others, I would be a prisoner in my own home. That is why co housing would confine me.

The other group of co housers I know of, are in a group from San Fransisco. These free spirits were a group of friends that had a like philosophy in healthy living and alternative health practices.

I do not know if I have this all correct, but here goes: they pooled money together to buy up a large tract of land in Colorado. Each couple then received a portion of the land, that was in size relation to their investment/future debt obligations. They each built a house on their land and lived as separate/ closely as they wanted. Many stayed and gained employment here. Some were not happy about the winters, some had adjustment issues, some became divorced. Like a respondent to the post mentioned, what do you do when it is time to sell? They have this issue happen to them. With the market the way it is, outsiders are moving in, the individual home sellers just want to preserve their investment. The "experiment" no longer works and is now more like a bunch of friends who may or may not live closely to each other. Even when they spaced everybody out over many acres from each other, the idea was difficult.

I think that this is often a more difficult proposition for Americans to tackle. I had an Au Pair from Sweden for one year. When I went to visit her, she lived with her parents in their home. This housing project was a bunch of houses around a grassy square. A number of these squares made up a community. The community house was available for childcare for kids infant to about 6 as a preschool during the day, and available for community use at night. Bike paths and roads connected this all together to the community. The Swedes seemed to have a healthy combination of Independence and interdependence. Maybe those long dark winters help people to appreciate each other's company more. I myself do not know if I could be happy this close to each other; but, I am an American. Fierce Independence and elbow room is my credo, ha ha. I also believe that as we age/over time, feelings and beliefs can change. I wouldn't want to live around my friends from college 24/7, my friends from my first teaching jobs/ my church friends through the years, and so on. My interests change, my values change, my friends change, heck even my husbands changed. I wouldn't want to move for each group. Although, I have moved into areas for schools, prestige, open land, jobs, and affordability. I guess these issues drive my housing decisions more.

Well, I finished the post I started yesterday. I've lost the direction I am going and not that committed to my own topic anymore...I will end it here.
I will jump in somewhere else.
Til later,