Thursday, June 25, 2009


Well, I often notice things that other people do not, or would not bother to notice. Patterns, reoccurring themes, subtitles: they are my specialties. When I first started writing this blog, I noticed that in my first month of writing, I wrote 3 entries. My second month was 4 and my third month was 5. So here I am in June, the sixth month of the year and I had written six entries. I had to decided,would I add any posts to break the pattern, or keep it at six by waiting to write until July. Well doing that would require some habits that I may or may not be good at. It would require restraint (those who know me, know), discipline (who are we kidding-the only discipline I have is the kind I give) and a desire to keep in the pattern. Now that last one is a hard one.

If someone told me not to do something, I would ask why. I want to know the reason of things. Is is just because you said, an established rule, or are you trying to control me. I am a rule follower though. I usually like the comfort of knowing that it is a certain way, and we follow that. Rules can free us from having to guess what someone else is going to do. My ex husband grew up in India for the first 10 years of his life. He was always amazed that people here followed traffic laws. In India, he said that a four way stop would never work. People would just drive through and not follow them. Even at stoplights, everyone ignores the lights, drives into the intersection, which causes gridlock and then enthusiastically honks their horns and yells at everyone. I, on the other hand, grew up in a town where rules were taken seriously. To this day, there are many four way stops that are only being changed slowly to stoplights. Most people from my hometown follow rules religiously. My college roommate now lives in my old hometown. She was friends with some of us from there and even married one of my teenage classmates. She is always amazed that we are so similar in our outlook. She says we are all of the same mindset and the people she meets now, that have grown up there, are the same. Why and how we became that way, I am not sure, it just is. In any event, even though I love rules and follow them, I sometimes don't like the rules that are on the periphery, that one can "bend" or "break".

Take for instance this non-significant pattern. who cares that my posts have gone 3,4,5,6. Well strangely, I do. I go through an inner struggle of should I follow the pattern, or break it? I inevitably do not want to be controlled by having to follow it through, down the road, so I break it now. I also have had an abundance of "number 6" items, so I was going to change that up too.

I have been reading a book on six word memoirs. The goal is to write six words that describe you/your life. If you google it, it will give you examples. I found this, because I will be leading a group of teens in this activity and then sending the final products to another library in Ca. for the summer reading program exchange of art, poetry, etc. I was trying to think what my six words will be. What would yours be?

Mine, for now, will be:
Mom and Wife, enjoys her life!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Fathers' Day

Today is the third Sunday in June and thus it is the day to honor fathers. Interesting that I have always heard, this "holiday" was created in answer to Mother's Day. The men, or should I say specifically, the retailers see this as a way to help boost sales, and it does. I do not particularly like gratuitous holidays, or giving or receiving gifts for them. I don't like that Christmas displays come before Halloween now. That Valentines and Mother's day is about the flowers, chocolate, or gifts that may be sincere, but more of, "you suffer if I don't get". But, that is a different topic.

The sincerity of the holiday comes from honoring the fathers. We would like to congratulate the men who do serve their families well. The ones that have made a difference in the lives of their children and to their spouses. I am very grateful that my dad did so much for me. He was always concerned for our welfare and provided and led the best he could. He gave me the things necessary to have a good life.

The man that I feel gave me the lessons in life, was my Grandfather. I had a different connection with him. He righted "wrongs" for me, taught me how to play checkers, and disciplined me when I was not a good loser. He had a quiet way about him, that made him "heard" over everyone else. I liked his manner, his stories, his kindness, and his wrath. He taught me about "faith" without ever really quoting the bible or anything else. He taught me about what was important in life and in people. Basically, he taught me the lessons of life. I will be forever grateful for that. I would have missed out on those, if my father were the only man in my life.

I, of course, also honor Joe. Which, as you can see is really like my grandpa (what would Freud say?). He is the man who should receive every honor in the world, and never does. The understated and quiet ones, almost never do! Here is a man, who serves his family, raises the kids, provides financial support, and asks for very little in return. His major contribution to his step sons, my boys by a first marriage, is by BEING THERE. He is there whenever they need him. He does not pry, he lets them be, he shows them life's lessons, he teaches quietly about faith, he provides for them (besides the child support from biodad) and show that he thinks about them by getting things they like or cooking their favorite foods. He also treats them like they are his kids, and most people do not even realize that they are not his biological children. Amazingly so, he never replaces their biodad and knows when to step out of the picture, or let them go to the other for what is needed. I do think Joe is awesome. I let him know that often and one day doesn't really cover that.

I like that other dad's are loved and honored too, as they should be.

Ah, I have been distracted, left this topic in my mind, but the day goes on, the maddness continues...Happy Father's day

Friday, June 19, 2009

Stranger than Fiction

Today, I reflect on a most unusual meeting I had yesterday. It makes me think of the Will Farrell movie, "Stranger than Fiction". When I saw that in the movie theater with my son, I had the distinct feeling that I was enjoying it way more than the people in the room with me. This happens quite often, actually. Especially if the movie is ironic or on the odd side.

I love the story of the character going through his life in narration. The woman who is a writer is trapped to find an ending for her character, and the man, who is the character is able to hear her narrating what he is currently doing. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it. It's one of my favorites. I think he is trapped by living a life directed not by his wishes, but almost as if directed from the wishes of someone else. This only relates to me, in that my life has some of the farcical incidents like his did: unexpected and strange, yet it flows and so does he.

Yesterday, I went to meet with a man that I have chatted online with for a while. We met under the pretense of chat only. I answered his ad on this, cause I was looking to chat with just a normal non-sex seeking male. I guess to balance the ones I had been talking with to "find as a partner". Well after some innocuous short chats, this guy suggested we meet. If you don't know by now, I pretty much feel comfortable with "whatever" and agreed. I found it interesting that I was not in a state of excitement over this meeting, like I had been with the others. It did not make me all hot and bothered and I was unclear whether it was going to be a sex meeting or what. I was most nervous to have him see me naked, cause he is a triathlete. He had sent me a picture with an impressive display of very minimal body fat. Okay, I know I am buxom and rather fleshy, but I never felt particularly embarrassed like this before. That continued through our meeting as well; I guess because I can't wrap my head around a fitness person enjoying fat. It would be like a vegetarian dating a carnivore. I just don't get how the two combine.

This man was very polite and quite relaxed. He took care of himself and his surroundings. As we talked, like an interview kind of, I found out that he is a dominant himself (with women). He had hinted at that in one of our chats, I think, but I did not realize he was as much a dominant as me. I found this interesting. We compared notes on the way we liked things and how we thought and acted. I only became aroused when I was describing my favorite thing I like to do to Joe. It was erotic to describe the little game I play with Joe and that reminder of our game made me tingle. I find it interesting that I felt like this guy was more like my brother than would be a lover. Of course the sensualist in me would "do him" just to see what it was like, but the realist in me realizes that this would be more of an experiment just to see what he was like, without emotion. I "did" a fit marine when I was younger and fit myself, but that feels like a lifetime ago. I loved to hold his muscular arms and chest, but then it was about sex. Now it would be, just cause I could.

I realized that in that meeting. I don't want just the sex, okay I do, but not in that way. I am really seeking a relationship of sorts. I want to feel something for the other man. I want him to adore and cherish me. The clincher of it all, that I discovered, is not how long this lasts, but the intensity of it. I am an extremely intense person. I am like a strong and sudden wind. I need that intensity back. All these men who "roam" are not interested in relationships and intensity. They seem to want quick and easy. I don't mind a short relationship, but it better sweep me off my feet. I will not rush in, because this is not play for me, it is something that I want for a lifestyle. I get great sex at home. I want a complement to that. Finding the fit is the problem! I need to be patient, which is extremely difficult for me to do. Ahh, the lessons of life: to teach us to be a better person.

Yes my life is stranger than fiction (certainly just as juicy). What I find funny, is that people are surprised that I haven't already "done it" or haven't been at this with men for a long time. Guess what?! I can do it, had the offers, but I choose not to do it. I am in Charge of this too! I thought I might just want to get it over with, to start with. Just jump in so that I could be more relaxed and get over the nervousness of being with a man, but my intellect makes me pause and reflect. Just like I waited to be with a man before, so I will again. It is my nature. I am hoping that good things come to those who wait.

I'm waiting!!!!!!!!
and in the meantime...I will accept that my life will be stranger than fiction.

Friday, June 12, 2009

School's Out

Ahhh summer vacation. I remember being a kid and thinking how great summer vacation would be!

Now I am an adult, and I am thinking...What summer vacation? The job keeps going, the bills keep coming, and as for going somewhere (in this economy?).

Summer vacation was good for me for about 3 days. I tend to be a restless soul. I have to keep active or I go Loco! My friends and family always comment on what a nerd I am, since I loved summer school, band camp and the such. I really did love it, but that was before everything became about remediation. I took sewing and cooking, Spanish, aeronautics/airplanes, Indian lore, piano, guitar, drama, etc. It was fantastic for me. The band camps were fun too. I got to play my flute, which I love to do, while meeting new people from all over. Since I travelled more than 10 hours away to various camps, it was an added benefit to leave my family. My favorite part was running all over town with my friends, or hanging out at my or their pool.

Kids now don't "hang out" much anymore. Every second seems to be calculated and planned. My kids can't just hang out here. It is either about 112 degree heat, 50mph winds, long distances between friends, or...that keeps them inside and "bored". We do have many things for them to do, but I worry about the isolation. My eldest son has a car, so he can pick up and see friends whenever he wants, pretty much.

The younger son can meet with friends when I go to work. A lot of them live in the town where I work. He also likes to do his "own thing" music, games, manga, etc. He always goes into his room and disappears: teenager. He comes out for meals and movies, but that is about it.

My youngest, a daughter, is a resident of her own fantasy world. We get to visit, but it is quite involved. This may be from the isolation, but my youngest son did this too. Joe thinks it is a product from us. Both Joe and I lived in our fantasy worlds when we were younger. Our daughter carries on the tradition and "runs with it". She has trouble making and keeping friends, because of her complicated games and such. I know that summer vacation will be a chore to "keep her busy". She is her mama's daughter! She is loving Vacation Bible School this week. She loves that they are pretending to go to Rome and the Underground church. They wear costumes and react villages and such of that time. Perfect for her. She is almost mute when she is there, but the car ride home has her chatting about it all and she recreates it at home. I believe she is studying every detail, while she is there. She processes it in silence, so that she captures every nuance. She gets quite irritated with me if I am near her or talk to her. Such an interesting little sprite. I get quite irritated when she wants to share it with me, and I am busy. So, I guess we are even.

School's Out...Let Life begin. That is how I see it. I won't change my mind. It really is a shame, that school doesn't let us experience more of the fun of life. Learning is Fun; it should be year round! Fun can get monotonous too. Why not mix the two? Why take a vacation from one or the other? Ah, but this is another discussion, for another day!

Monday, June 8, 2009

In a land far far away

I was thinking about my friend Anne, who just moved to Australia. She lived in Washington state when I first met her (only a few months ago). It is strange to think that we have not know each other very long, but we get on so well together. Lately I have been working long hours and she has been catching up with her man. This makes it hard for us to chat...that and the time difference. I miss the times we chat, and look forward to the next opportunity.

This friendship, and many of my other new friendships illustrate to me, that distance does not limit the depth one can feel for another human being. Of course, the fact that we have met in person and spent time together helps to better know each other. I am pretty sure that I would not have become as close to Anne, if I had not met her. I enjoy meeting the people I meet online. It gives me a better reference point to the actual tone and person. I can see how the Internet thing becomes addictive. I am able to chat with others, that I have more in common with, than the people around here. the only difference is, that they are brought to me via a remote tool.

Is our interaction changed because of it? Maybe, maybe not. I think that I would still be friends with these people, because they are honest and open with me. If someone is not honest and open, then the words are the depth of that relationship, and that is not very deep.

Fairy tales begin with...In a land far far away. For me, it's just my new friends, and it feels real.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Yes, We are Open!

The problem with opening one's self up to others, is that you become open for them to get inside.

I have a man who is the complement to me.  We are most happy when we are together.  Well, except when we argue, like we did just a minute ago.  It was over the most ludicrous thing: getting hay.  I must say that I was miffed that he, like most men, focus on just one thing.  He doesn't realize that when he insists on his way, I get pissy.  It happens repeatedly, he resists in exactly the same way repeatedly, and I react the same way repeatedly.  The funny part is that it almost never happens.  But when it does, it is the focus of the moment because it so "out of character" in our relationship.

I have had a lot of "out of character" moments lately.  People tend to view me as the rule follower, the honest one, the good girl; which is basically me.  They know of my impish ways, but still act shocked if I swear or do "naughty things".  A friend recently lost her train of thought with me because I used the word Bastard in an IM.  She even replied how shocked she was.  This was in a first conversation on the computer, with a friend that I have known since 6th grade.  Believe it or not, in 33 years, she had not really heard me swear like that and was shocked.  I am sure she has heard swear words before, but I was not seen to use them and so this out of character behavior actually made her fall out of her chair.  (If she only knew...I bet if she really knew me, she would faint).  I don't hide myself, I just don't let people "in" to the places I don't think they can handle.  

Most of that is starting to disappear.  I am consciously choosing to be myself, whatever the cost.  Risky?  Yes, I think so.  
Detrimental?  No, I think not.

I am type A personality (that's what others tell me).  I have great stress and angst over social constraints, success levels, and how I am perceived.  Tell me if that is healthy!  
Through Joe, the one person on earth who comes closest to sharing the unfiltered me, I have been given the greatest gift of all.  True acceptance and love for who I am.  No pretension, no spin.  I can even be the very worst person in the world (well, we know this is not possible; it's just hypothetical), and Joe will still love the core person I am.  We love and accept each other for who we are at this core.  I may not like that he wore a shirt with a hole at belly level and was unshaven and dirty to the final spring concert of the year, where every family in the community I work with was in attendance.  (Can you tell how I feel about that?)  But that act by him does not define the person he is inside.  Go ahead and argue that it does if you want to focus on the fact that he doesn't care about fashion, he is passive resistant, or any other bloody argument about his actions.  But, that is so far below the radar.  It was about my perceptions of the situation that bother ME, not him.  He did not do anything wrong.  I perceived it as wrong.

Joe is bothered when I am upset.  He may or may not like that I do not say sorry very often.  I tend to let things go, because I focus on other things fairly soon.  He has learned that I am mad quickly and passionately, and then I am over it.  He "handles" me well.  He does not engage in the trivial.  Because he does not "ego" fight with me, we almost never quarrel.  His devotion to me makes it so easy to have a relationship without stress and fuss.  I feel truly blessed to have met and married him.  He is good for me.  We both perceive that we will put the other partner first. Our general MO is love and truth and acceptance.

This has spoiled me, to other men.  I expect them to be as good as Joe.  Well, now I don't.  I am learning what I have forgotten for so long.  People do not always have your best interests in mind.  I am re-learning quickly that no one can ever be truly aware of another person's nature and intent.

I have posted on the website that I now help moderate.  I guess, people see me in a certain light.  Because I did not measure up to the perception of other people, when I disclosed things that they thought were contradictory to other parts of my life, I was judged.  That is okay by me.  Ridiculous, but okay.  I have not change the basic ME that I am.  

I bring this up as the point to illustrate why I think that I am mad at the "new men in my life".  The Internet has made it so we don't ever truly know the ME that the other person is in real life.  I may get off on chatting with a guy that is young and tall.  I garnered it from picture he sent me.  But, in reality, it could be anyone and so what if it is.  The reality of the situation is that this relation is one dimensional; only as honest as the people who are in it.  It could be him, it could not be him.  The other guy, who may or may not read this, is not  clear about what he wants.  I thought there was great potential for us, and there still may be.  But, I don't feel I will ever know him and he will never know me, until we meet.  

This one dimension also exists in our daily face to face relationships.  We present ourselves like the paper dolls I used to play with as a girl.  We are flat and one dimensional.  We may change the outfits and the surroundings, but we never get to see the "back story" of the doll.  We keep ourselves closed off, to protect the delicate self we hide inside.   It is scary to place yourself open for ridicule and displeasure.  How harmful it is to a child to be vulnerable and then have a teacher/parent/ friend/ lover say we are wrong or not good enough.  We do this to each other all the time (me too, on occasion).  Eventually, we have the pasted on smile of the paper doll on our face.  Keeping our self safe, but unsatisfied.

I welcome dissension, even though it is tough on my nature to do so.  If I am stirring the pot a bit, that is okay.  At least I will have a life lived fully, passionately, and hopefully, honestly. 
I am opening myself up to the possibilities of grandness, but will have to take the crap that goes with it, until I find what I am looking for. 

I open myself and am dissappointed in others.  Although I won't be gullible, I will need to open myself up to others as well.  I will take them as they are, and will not judge them unfairly, because I do not want to be judged unfairly.  I will only doubt, when given cause to doubt.  I will accept things as they are, not what I wish them to be.  And I will remember that opening yourself up to another as you truly are, can be the scariest thing a human can ever do, but also the most rewarding.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Mondays are Sundays

 I love Mondays! I know that a lot of people do not particularly like Mondays, because they have to go back to work, but the rules don't apply to me.  I work in a library that is open Tuesday through Saturday.  My weekend is Sunday and Monday.  Thus, I enjoy the benefit of a day of rest when others go frantic.

My lovely husband always takes the kids to school on Mondays so I can sleep in later.  I usually get up when they are just leaving 7am.  Since I wake fairly early and stay up late, this is a luxury.  He makes my coffee for me, or has it sitting out ready for me to drink, or I just have to heat it up in the microwave.  I really am spoiled...but there is more.

When Joe returns, he usually will make me a hot cooked breakfast.  We have chickens, so he scrambles some fresh eggs and includes toast.  This week was awesome, because he included fresh fruit as well.  Ahhhh, life is good.    After he eats, he settles down to do paperwork at home, which is computerized and a pain, since it is transmitted by fax and computer, or something.  My favorite parts are his breaks.

When he is done working, and before the kids come home, we make time for each other.  Monday madness is my mantra (nice alliteration, huh?).  Lately, we have been supercharged because of the extra curricular activities we have chosen to engage in: adding people to our repertoire, sort of speak.  Joe is massively charged up with the idea of me with other men.  He gives me permission to open my sexual side to "play" with men.  We have been in contact with two different men.  Even if they do not work out, this will probably be an activity that will occur this year.  Both of us are super "hot" from this contact with others.  The instant messenger is a great tool to rev us up.

I have enjoyed talking with these men online in real time.  The type of things we talk about are sexual in nature.  What is interesting, is that both of them would want to be with me, with the full support and knowledge of my husband.  This was out of the realm of what I thought would be normal, but somehow it just "is".  I like to call all three men, "my sick puppies".  I love it!  They all get off on the other "getting theirs".  Strangely enough, it excites me too.  I think that is because my husband is so turned on by this possibility, that it doesn't seem weird or odd.  I also fantasize quite a bit myself.  I am not sure which one will be the one to be with me, but even if it never happens with either of them, we are having a blast.

The older of the two men is quite graphic in what we would be doing.  It is nice to think of the ways and times that we would be together.  I find myself daydreaming of the ways that he would have sex with me.  I did not ever feel that I was missing anything with Joe sexually.  Now, I have begun to think of the ways that this other man can satisfy me.  It is like bringing in a plumber or electrician to complete difficult tasks that Joe just can't do.  It is almost as simple as that.  Joe is not physically able to do certain things sexually.  This other man is willing to do those things with me.  Although many lengthy performances are promised, we will see if they come to fruition.  This is another of those areas where Joe has experienced difficulties.  I have challenged the new guy to please me in this manner; let's see if he can rise to the occasion.  I have only had one lover who could satisfy me by cumming when I wanted.  All the others cum much too soon for my tastes.  I have heard that it is from the way I am built. The men get too excited too fast from my anatomy.   But, I wonder, there are so many jokes about men who don't last long, I think it may be the norm.

The younger man is a 27 year old who would like an older woman to "train him".  I was doubtful of his intentions at first.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt, because I enjoy his company very much.  I am learning what it would be like to train a man.  I lucked out with Joe, someone had trained him before I got him.  I wish I could thank her; she did a great job.  I am getting a rare opportunity to see what a young/ single girl might go through.  I believe this will give me great insight to many things about FLR's and particularly with an untrained man who wishes to serve.  By the way, don't rain on my parade; I will treat him as if he is sincere.  I am okay with whatever direction this relationship takes.  We are consenting adults.  My boy toy was great for my Monday too.

Both Joe and I thought about this boy toy.  Joe was with me as I chatted with my new trainee last night.  The thought of him in bed with me as Joe lay on a cot outside our door sent Joe to a whole new place.  Look for his blog for details.  I imagined my gorgeous little boy pleasing me as my bull and had some great orgasms.  Thanks is all I can say to him.  What a treat to rev up our sex life even more.  We have great sexual encounters, but the Aussie boy sent us to tantra levels today.  I just can't stop smiling.  You should see Joe!

So, when you are having an especially difficult Monday...don't call me.  I may just want to "rub it in" about my Mondays!