Yes, We are Open!

The problem with opening one's self up to others, is that you become open for them to get inside.

I have a man who is the complement to me.  We are most happy when we are together.  Well, except when we argue, like we did just a minute ago.  It was over the most ludicrous thing: getting hay.  I must say that I was miffed that he, like most men, focus on just one thing.  He doesn't realize that when he insists on his way, I get pissy.  It happens repeatedly, he resists in exactly the same way repeatedly, and I react the same way repeatedly.  The funny part is that it almost never happens.  But when it does, it is the focus of the moment because it so "out of character" in our relationship.

I have had a lot of "out of character" moments lately.  People tend to view me as the rule follower, the honest one, the good girl; which is basically me.  They know of my impish ways, but still act shocked if I swear or do "naughty things".  A friend recently lost her train of thought with me because I used the word Bastard in an IM.  She even replied how shocked she was.  This was in a first conversation on the computer, with a friend that I have known since 6th grade.  Believe it or not, in 33 years, she had not really heard me swear like that and was shocked.  I am sure she has heard swear words before, but I was not seen to use them and so this out of character behavior actually made her fall out of her chair.  (If she only knew...I bet if she really knew me, she would faint).  I don't hide myself, I just don't let people "in" to the places I don't think they can handle.  

Most of that is starting to disappear.  I am consciously choosing to be myself, whatever the cost.  Risky?  Yes, I think so.  

Detrimental?  No, I think not.

I am type A personality (that's what others tell me).  I have great stress and angst over social constraints, success levels, and how I am perceived.  Tell me if that is healthy!  

Through Joe, the one person on earth who comes closest to sharing the unfiltered me, I have been given the greatest gift of all.  True acceptance and love for who I am.  No pretension, no spin.  I can even be the very worst person in the world (well, we know this is not possible; it's just hypothetical), and Joe will still love the core person I am.  We love and accept each other for who we are at this core.  I may not like that he wore a shirt with a hole at belly level and was unshaven and dirty to the final spring concert of the year, where every family in the community I work with was in attendance.  (Can you tell how I feel about that?)  But that act by him does not define the person he is inside.  Go ahead and argue that it does if you want to focus on the fact that he doesn't care about fashion, he is passive resistant, or any other bloody argument about his actions.  But, that is so far below the radar.  It was about my perceptions of the situation that bother ME, not him.  He did not do anything wrong.  I perceived it as wrong.

Joe is bothered when I am upset.  He may or may not like that I do not say sorry very often.  I tend to let things go, because I focus on other things fairly soon.  He has learned that I am mad quickly and passionately, and then I am over it.  He "handles" me well.  He does not engage in the trivial.  Because he does not "ego" fight with me, we almost never quarrel.  His devotion to me makes it so easy to have a relationship without stress and fuss.  I feel truly blessed to have met and married him.  He is good for me.  We both perceive that we will put the other partner first. Our general MO is love and truth and acceptance.

This has spoiled me, to other men.  I expect them to be as good as Joe.  Well, now I don't.  I am learning what I have forgotten for so long.  People do not always have your best interests in mind.  I am re-learning quickly that no one can ever be truly aware of another person's nature and intent.

I have posted on the website that I now help moderate.  I guess, people see me in a certain light.  Because I did not measure up to the perception of other people, when I disclosed things that they thought were contradictory to other parts of my life, I was judged.  That is okay by me.  Ridiculous, but okay.  I have not change the basic ME that I am.  

I bring this up as the point to illustrate why I think that I am mad at the "new men in my life".  The Internet has made it so we don't ever truly know the ME that the other person is in real life.  I may get off on chatting with a guy that is young and tall.  I garnered it from picture he sent me.  But, in reality, it could be anyone and so what if it is.  The reality of the situation is that this relation is one dimensional; only as honest as the people who are in it.  It could be him, it could not be him.  The other guy, who may or may not read this, is not  clear about what he wants.  I thought there was great potential for us, and there still may be.  But, I don't feel I will ever know him and he will never know me, until we meet.  

This one dimension also exists in our daily face to face relationships.  We present ourselves like the paper dolls I used to play with as a girl.  We are flat and one dimensional.  We may change the outfits and the surroundings, but we never get to see the "back story" of the doll.  We keep ourselves closed off, to protect the delicate self we hide inside.   It is scary to place yourself open for ridicule and displeasure.  How harmful it is to a child to be vulnerable and then have a teacher/parent/ friend/ lover say we are wrong or not good enough.  We do this to each other all the time (me too, on occasion).  Eventually, we have the pasted on smile of the paper doll on our face.  Keeping our self safe, but unsatisfied.

I welcome dissension, even though it is tough on my nature to do so.  If I am stirring the pot a bit, that is okay.  At least I will have a life lived fully, passionately, and hopefully, honestly. 

I am opening myself up to the possibilities of grandness, but will have to take the crap that goes with it, until I find what I am looking for. 

I open myself and am dissappointed in others.  Although I won't be gullible, I will need to open myself up to others as well.  I will take them as they are, and will not judge them unfairly, because I do not want to be judged unfairly.  I will only doubt, when given cause to doubt.  I will accept things as they are, not what I wish them to be.  And I will remember that opening yourself up to another as you truly are, can be the scariest thing a human can ever do, but also the most rewarding.