I love the story of the character going through his life in narration. The woman who is a writer is trapped to find an ending for her character, and the man, who is the character is able to hear her narrating what he is currently doing. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it. It's one of my favorites. I think he is trapped by living a life directed not by his wishes, but almost as if directed from the wishes of someone else. This only relates to me, in that my life has some of the farcical incidents like his did: unexpected and strange, yet it flows and so does he.
Yesterday, I went to meet with a man that I have chatted online with for a while. We met under the pretense of chat only. I answered his ad on this, cause I was looking to chat with just a normal non-sex seeking male. I guess to balance the ones I had been talking with to "find as a partner". Well after some innocuous short chats, this guy suggested we meet. If you don't know by now, I pretty much feel comfortable with "whatever" and agreed. I found it interesting that I was not in a state of excitement over this meeting, like I had been with the others. It did not make me all hot and bothered and I was unclear whether it was going to be a sex meeting or what. I was most nervous to have him see me naked, cause he is a triathlete. He had sent me a picture with an impressive display of very minimal body fat. Okay, I know I am buxom and rather fleshy, but I never felt particularly embarrassed like this before. That continued through our meeting as well; I guess because I can't wrap my head around a fitness person enjoying fat. It would be like a vegetarian dating a carnivore. I just don't get how the two combine.
This man was very polite and quite relaxed. He took care of himself and his surroundings. As we talked, like an interview kind of, I found out that he is a dominant himself (with women). He had hinted at that in one of our chats, I think, but I did not realize he was as much a dominant as me. I found this interesting. We compared notes on the way we liked things and how we thought and acted. I only became aroused when I was describing my favorite thing I like to do to Joe. It was erotic to describe the little game I play with Joe and that reminder of our game made me tingle. I find it interesting that I felt like this guy was more like my brother than would be a lover. Of course the sensualist in me would "do him" just to see what it was like, but the realist in me realizes that this would be more of an experiment just to see what he was like, without emotion. I "did" a fit marine when I was younger and fit myself, but that feels like a lifetime ago. I loved to hold his muscular arms and chest, but then it was about sex. Now it would be, just cause I could.
I realized that in that meeting. I don't want just the sex, okay I do, but not in that way. I am really seeking a relationship of sorts. I want to feel something for the other man. I want him to adore and cherish me. The clincher of it all, that I discovered, is not how long this lasts, but the intensity of it. I am an extremely intense person. I am like a strong and sudden wind. I need that intensity back. All these men who "roam" are not interested in relationships and intensity. They seem to want quick and easy. I don't mind a short relationship, but it better sweep me off my feet. I will not rush in, because this is not play for me, it is something that I want for a lifestyle. I get great sex at home. I want a complement to that. Finding the fit is the problem! I need to be patient, which is extremely difficult for me to do. Ahh, the lessons of life: to teach us to be a better person.
Yes my life is stranger than fiction (certainly just as juicy). What I find funny, is that people are surprised that I haven't already "done it" or haven't been at this with men for a long time. Guess what?! I can do it, had the offers, but I choose not to do it. I am in Charge of this too! I thought I might just want to get it over with, to start with. Just jump in so that I could be more relaxed and get over the nervousness of being with a man, but my intellect makes me pause and reflect. Just like I waited to be with a man before, so I will again. It is my nature. I am hoping that good things come to those who wait.
I'm waiting!!!!!!!!
and in the meantime...I will accept that my life will be stranger than fiction.
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