Well, I must say, it's been awhile since my last blog.

I guess I have always had an "artist's" temperament and seem to be most creative when I am trying to work something out or have high emotions about something. I guess I only really wrote great poetry when I was heartbroken over some guy, or mad at my mom. I never drew pictures really, but I sketch pictures of bleak landscapes or forlorn girls gazing off into the distance. I only really played my flute when I "felt" like it. I'd practice with the group, but not unless so moved, to practice on my own. Even now, I'll play a hymn in church, with so much emotion, that it is often months to a year for me to play again.

I also get embarrassed by praise. Culturally, I was taught to be humble and that it was self-indulgent to hear praise about one's self. Also, the pride cometh before the fall, was a doctrine I lived with daily. Asians believe that evil will befall those who are prideful; my east coast relatives believe you will get you comeuppance if you are prideful. Either way, I shirk praise, yet long for it and seek it. This is one of the many manifestations of my dual Pisces nature.

Most parts of me are thus. I am bold, but shy. Completely forthcoming about anything I say and do, yet so private that people do not really know me. I am liberal in much of my thinking and action, yet I am conservative to the core. I long for city things, yet need to be in a rural area to keep my head clear and not be near other people. I also am a dominant woman with the most dependant tendicies. I appear to be a few steps behind my husband, but am the one in charge. I love to work with kids, but they drive me crazy. I like order, but have none in my life.

I have not posted, I suppose, because I came back from Portland, so happy to have met some terrific women. I feel great in my relationship. I have no unresolved issues at present, and I am extremely busy time wise, as I am every year at the end of a school year. In opening myself up to where I would like to be on a daily basis, I guess I have closed myself off in other ways. I am taking stock of it all. I am giving others a chance to speak. I am afraid of hogging the spotlight.
Wow, I feel complicated at times. I remember growing up and saying that I wished I was stupid or simple. My brain never shuts off. Sometimes I have to go into a "hibernate" mode. I withdraw slightly. Never fully conscious of this, I kind of retreat. Thank God, Joe is able to do most of the work that I do not do. Things kind of slow down for me, but not for the rest of my family. Before you think I am completely crazy, I think this is due somewhat to my manic ways, but mostly a safety release for getting burned out. I think the way I hike or run is a good example of this. I much prefer to go in short, quick bursts with rests in between, rather than slow and steady, consistantly to the end. I envy those who complete everything, pace themselves, and make time for themselves. I would be the tortured artiste, except for the actual art part. I have always wanted to write a book. Perhaps I will be the grandma moses of books, or the margaret mitchell, one novel writer. In any event, I feel no need for the spotlight, when I think it through; no need for fame. I just want happiness and contentedness. Well, having no concern for money would be nice...but we can't have it all, if we don't work for it.

where does this rambling lead? nowhere or somewhere?! whatever...I'm here!