Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hiding is lying!

Gosh, it seems that life always tests us in ways that we need. Lately, we have had to "lay low" because I was offered a teaching position for next year. I have been trying to decide if I would take it. Since the academic world is so concerned about image, I was covering our tracks a bit, so that I would not embarrass others by our lifestyle choices. I could just hear the news coverage/community outrage from the discovery of what Joe and I chose to do.

I know that it is actually ludicrous to think that choices we make as adults in our own bedrooms could be up for ridicule. I also know that in today's climate, sex sells. The titillation factor would be enormous. I would never want shame or embarrassment on any place I worked for, so I was carefully weighing my decision. I have come to the conclusion, that while I would enjoy the extra income, the price of my well being is too high. I hate having to look over my shoulder and be paranoid, like so many others I see out there.

I pride myself on being fairly honest and open. I have discovered that hiding who I am is like lying. It just doesn't feel right! This doesn't mean that I will tell people of my particular peccadilloes, I just refuse to put myself in a position where I am no longer allowed to feel good about my choices and this is what is happening now. Since I have cut back on being open and "erased my trail of eroticism" as best I could, I have felt more isolated and untrue to myself.
This will stop now.

I have a "what is the worst that can happen" mentality to this all. If someone found out that I enjoy BDSM kink, FLR, Polyamory, etc, what of it. Do I suffer like so many outed from their "deviant" behavior? Baby, I don't think so! I am willing to take it on if it arises. I might even write about it, but I refuse to hide from it or deny it. I have made my decision. I can't take a job that will force me to hide who I am. So, I will continue on my life of part-time work. The pay may suck, the hours long and unpredictable sometime, but I would control the one thing I value most: me. I would be able to leave without worry, take time off when I wish, and have the "devil may care" attitude I have enjoyed for the past umpteen years.

While this may appear selfish and self-absorbed to some (me as a priority), please consider that I know the value of self. I often have forgotten it or given it away to someone else. In the end, I will be alone in my thoughts and die alone. oooohhhh heavy. So, while on earth, I will enjoy the things I enjoy and live the life I wish. It would be useless to waste what I have each day, by living against my true nature. I am going to take more chances and live my life to the fullest possible form.

So, what will I do now. What any bohemian would; I will give up high pay to pursue my dream to be a writer. I have always wanted to be one. I have one more year left on child support, so the time is now. Next year I will have to make more money, since our income will decrease. Wouldn't it be great if I could set the stage this year to make my living doing what I want. No time like the present to find out if I can! Carpe Diem...I will seize the day. I WILL be ME!

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