where to begin: under the microscope

Here it is! As usual, I could not log back in to even set up my first post. I try to remember passwords and user accounts, but I always seem to have trouble with them. What the Heck! My memory is so bad, so I understand not remembering. I have no excuse this time; I wrote it all down and still could not get it correct. Well, after some tense minutes, another story in itself, I am on here for my first post.

It was suggested to me, by more than one person, that I should write my rambling thoughts on a blog. Well, catch me up to the 21st century...I did not know how to do that. I had heard about these, been interested in the idea of them, been given other people's addressess to view them...but I resisted!!! Why? Who knows. I guess it goes along with my lack of desire to do facebook, my space, twitter, etc. I just do not see the point in it all. Well, I trust these people, so here I am.

I guess there is a point to this after all. I mean, I have been following the many posts of the forum: shemakestherules.com . I enjoy that back and forth commenting, structuring my own thoughts, and learning and researching the thoughts of others. I am spending time to organize my thoughts on this blogging thing first, so you know where I am coming from. I wonder if it is self-indulgent to write about my self and my life, the inner workings of my mind and actions. I have often started journals, only to lose track and catch up even a year later from the last time I wrote. Repetative tasks are not my forte.

I am comfortable pointing out my weak and strong points. I like self deprication for humor, but really see it as being honest with who I am. And, I have no problem with teasing others in the same way. I often hear other people say that sarcasm is cruel...oh, get over yourselves! It is my favorite type of humor. Irony, sarcasm and wit: a winning combination. My dad is from a long time New Englander background, with one side more recently from England. I learned this dry, biting humor to a fault. I feel that everyone is just a little too PC at times. Ironically, I always worry about what others think. Were my words too biting, did they understand what I meant, did that come across as judgemental?

I guess I am truly a Pisces. I have 2 sides of the coin on most everything. Swimming two directions at once: Yin and Yang, an enigma to most, contradictory at best. I am a big picture gal. I have honesty to a fault. This way of speaking out with no filter, often can "get me in trouble". I hide little from those around me; yet if you know me, I hide myself best. I have been told by my closest friends that I "like to hide myself, who I really am". I won't commit to saying my favorite anything. Tell me all the choices of what you want to do and I will "veto". I like having very few close friends and millions of acquaintances. Yet, I long for someone to truly get me, and be my confidant. My husband is that for me, yet I long for a female relationship in the same manner.

When I was younger, I always had one or two, at the most, gal pals that I was especially close. We'd hang out as buddies at school, after-hours, and through all kinds of activities. I never was good at the pack of girl friend things. Now on the subject of men, I would have boys all around, but never too close. But I digress, let me explain the female dynamic first. I have had adult female friendships, but I find them fleeting at best: often family or men get in the way. We start out with a "bang", hanging out a lot, doing things of interest together, going places, and then...it fizzles. I find that often friendships are formed quickly, yet burn out quickly. They may be hook-ups because of jobs, school moms, activities: they fizzle after the event that brought us together ends, or both parties get too busy to sustain it. I only became cynical like this about friendships when I became married and then divorced. I stopped working when I had my kids: lost the work friends, due to not being there anymore. I lost my community "friends" when I was getting divorced. I found out that a single woman among married men becomes a paraiah quickly. Whether they thought that divorce was catching, I would go after their men, or I was focused too much on that "bastard of a man", I will never truly know.
Woman can confuse me to no end. They are petty, vindictive, competative, cruel, and I am just talking about myself!!! Well, I think you know what I mean. It is hard to set up lasting friendships. Maybe because of my need to be the Alpha dog, it is hard. I recognize this in myself, but long someone who is strong in a complimentary way. I often become friends with strong woman, but they are weak in a different area. I end up supporting them and they me in a symbiotic relationship. As they become strong in a different way, I sense a weakening in me. I end up listening to their issues and stories, with no room made for my own. I resent not having a chance to air my dirty laundry. Like a one sided tennis match, the ball serves keep getting sent right at me, but I am not allowed to return: an unfullfilling match at best. I become bored and find myself pulling away. Often I find, upon reflection at this moment, that I am the replacement for the humor and ear that they wish to have with their husbands. Not in a sexual way, but at a different level. Most of my friends seem to have inconsiderate husbands that they are having problems with (sidebar: not sure if that is what I attract in a friend, or that is the prevelant kind of man out there. Joke or not a joke: you decide).
When I take "a breather" from this friendship, they either get way worse with their hubby, make it a lot better, or proceed in their own plans, with or without him. Every future interaction with me becomes a time for me to "catch up" in their life, with little interest in mine. I listen well, advise as well as I can, but unbeknownst to them, I resent it. I keep up the patter, hoping it will change, as sometimes it will, but I mostly do it to preserve our history and friendship. I truly love these friends. The dynamic becomes more of a family than of a friend. We may not like their actions, but they are family.

Why go into this detail? I want the reader, and myself, to understand where I am coming from and where I am heading to eventually. This is my strarting point. I will begin a discussion with myself: rambling until I see the possible courses I can take. I will then review the path and see if it is taking me in the direction I want to go: the analysis. I hope the reader will input comments to aid in my journey: letting me know when I have gone down the wrong path, rushed when I should have spent more time in one area, and posing questions to help me to identify/interpret what and where I am going.

Me-thinks, me over-thinks!!! Hey, but that's me.
I'll stop this here. I am building the foundation for the things I want to investigate in thought, by reconstructing that which led me to this point. It is not what I intended orginally, but I got in this vehicle without knowing which route it would take. (i know, the journey metaphor may be getting old, but there is nothing like taking something ad nauseum, in my book: those that know me, know this to be true).

with a feeling of calm reflection,
Queen2Joey