As I have said before, I love to analyse almost everything. But my favorite subject of analysis, is the driving motivator of people's actions. What makes somebody do what they do? Today I will reflect on myself.
I set up this blog to discuss the relationship my husband and I have. Yet, I have not yet discussed our relationship, him, or the Female Led Marriage. The title for this blog I picked was specifically created to reflect of "becoming" into this relationship, as well as the actual behavior we display. I also hope to connotate what would be "appropriate" for me in the word, "becoming". This word is not used very much anymore, but to me means a behavior or look that is pleasing to the eye, thoughts, and senses.
I write this disclaimer, in case anyone is dissapointed in the non specific areas I write about. They may expect me to write more scintillating details of my life, more relationship stuff. Strangely, I believe I am doing exactly that. Telling my personal thoughts and background infomation are the more scintillating details. The other stuff, kink etc. is just the fluff.
I guess I never really conform to what is expected of me. With that said, I have recently begun to question the avatar I have chosen for myself. Only, because I worry about what others think of it. I love that crazy gal. The purpleness reflects my favorite color. She has, either, dragon parts or dragon parts around her. I was born in the year of the dragon and have always identified that part of me. She is sultry and mischievious: my true nature, if allowed to show (often I down-play that part). I realize now that everything is not always about me (noooo, it can't be true-but I suppose this fact once in a while). Some people may think certain things about me. I only noticied or realized this, after an unpleaseant interaction with a guy on the She Makes the Rules website. I do not want preconcieved notions about who I am from this picture. I don't want an immature male to look at my avatar and presume I just want sex, or am an exhibitionist. I now think that it may be the thought people have. Joe knows I love the image that picture portrays for me and thinks I should not change it for the notions other people have. I am still undecided.
I also hesitated, after I selected it, because it contains a very small symbol equated with evil. The gal is wearing a necklace with a pentagram. I did not originally see that. When I did, I gasped, because being a Christian, this is not something I would show myself. I then thought that this may be representational of my naughty nature. I certainly would never wear a necklace like that, but then again, I would never an outfit like that in public. I think the artist attempted to show that idea in this picture. She has red eyes, horns and claws and wings: she is devilish in nature. Luckily, I don't put too much stock in visual representations equalling evil. I am more playful in my interpretation. But unfortunately, I worry too much what other people may think. Would other Christians think badly because of this, would men lust after and idea of me because of their interpretation of people, would women dismiss me because of this portrayal?
In the end, it is only a picture. One for the mood I am currently in and can be changed at will. Luckily, who I am is changing too, but finding what is constant underneath is what intriques me most. That is what I am striving to "put under the microscope. Finding the meaning in one's existance is a theme for all time. Being honest with one's self, is another. Being loved and loving back is one of the "biggies" as well.
What drives Cheryl to do "something"? "God only knows", as my mother, father, friends, husband, and others are oft to say. Maybe if I continue to share the minutia of my life, you will see that very thing, and I will discover/uncover the "truth" about myself, as well.
I have so much to say on the subject...but will retire for now.
Go out and bring meaning to someone's life today... even if it is your own.
Cheryl
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