Well, I guess I am back.
I have had this open for awhile, but have not posted. I guess the uncertainty of what job I would undertake for the year was keeping me from disclosing anything new. I also was nervous to include things about my life, because of recent events.
I am extremely open with people, yet extremely private as well. I have no trouble telling anyone about anything and any time. I have nothing to hide. Then, I had some people who were mean to me, or even inappropriate, you might say. They treated me in such a way that I did not feel comfortable having my life on display. My life was open to them, yet they contributed nothing back except grief. This makes me not want to share. My life is not here for others to view without interaction. I love relationships with people. My father thinks he is having a conversation with someone when he is doing all the talking and telling stories about things of interest to him. I do not share his thoughts on conversation, in fact it drives me crazy. Although I do tell stories and talk a lot, hahaha, I do expect participation. So my time away has had moments where I ponder why I blog. Is it for me, for others, for working out life's concerns, for telling a story of daily life? I don't really know.
I tend to keep away from most scintillating details of my life. My subhub seems to embrace them and post them exclusively (just my opinion honey). This is a huge differences in our thoughts and communication. I know my subhub works through a lot of what he is going through by putting it down on screen. Men do not have the luxury of discussing details in microscopic detail with their pals like women do. I also know that my subhub loves our life and wants to share that. I tend to want to keep things under wraps because I am subjected to the wankers and he is not.
The bottom line for me was very simple; I stopped receiving benefit from posting and only experienced heartache. I usually don't continue on a path where pain outweighs pleasure. I will begin again and see which way it will go this time. I will post for me and when I want, or I will find another avenue. Oh, and if you are brave, stand up and be recognized. I really like feedback and interaction. It may encourage me to post again and feel a part of something worth doing.
I have been busy and have much to tell....don't you want to know?
Friday, July 24, 2009
what to post, what to post?????
I have been online all day, doing various things: posting, watching movies, chatting, research, etc. I am weary of mind and fingers. Some might see it as a wasted day of nothingness. I know it is the eye of the storm.
I was going back and forth to "town" this week. A journey of windy roads and at least an hour and a half drive each way, even more. It is made worse by the fact the air conditioning does not work in our vehicle and the minimum temp is 98 and the max is 112 degrees. I am travel weary.
Tomorrow is one of my long work days. I am in charge and have events to coordinate as well as run the regular tasks of my work. It will be crazy. I am not usually in charge of the whole schebang, but with vacation schedules, I am indeed in charge.
So today was the rest and relaxation before and after my crazy life. I love these days as I do them, but even I think...what the heck did I do all day. I needed to slow down and enjoy nothing once in awhile. I did.
Off I go tomorrow...vroom vroom...warp speed ahead!!!!
no scintillating details, but hey, that's what you get when you don't really do much of anything.
ah, I can only imagine what my future will hold. can you?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I have been thinking, as I always do and cannot stop (tee-hee), about the differences between men and women. I have been one to be the "good girl" in life. This is a result of my upbringing, religion, desire to be judged favorably, and many more factors that basically place me above reproach. My current situation has me thinking of myself in the category of the traditional single male. I am finding myself regarding sex as only sex.
Okay, it is actually more complicated than that, but I am not attributing sex to the end all romantic version of "I have to be in love" to do it. I love my husband and I give that kind of love to him. The sex I have with myguy is great, but it is indeed different. There is no mistaking that we are fond of one another, but until we decided what we truly want from each other, it is just sex.
I have only been in this non-dreamy state a few times in my life. And, interestingly enough, it is during my strong assertive woman periods. I go on "the hunt" as we gals used to call it. We have fun but not necessarily attach to a man. It is not unlike the behavior we saw in many of our male friends that "played the field". The reason I think I am in this mindset now, is that I am open to the possibilities to find the correct fit for my relationship with my husband and another man. I do not want to exclude a possible fit with any man I am currently talking to, but I don't want to yet put myself in a vulnerable or dreamy state. This undertaking is being done logically and deliberately. If I was to muddle the waters with emotion, I might make the wrong decision. That my friends is what would be considered the thinking of a man.
But, I most decidedly am a woman. I want it all. I want a fit for both myself and my husband and the new man. I want the man to be devoted to me. We can all have our own lives and be separate, but when we are together, I want focus. Truth and Commitment, in whatever form that takes, is paramount. I also want great sex and romance. See, I told you, all woman!
I also haven't felt the need to discuss the sexual details of my relationship (unlike my lovely subhub). That is also the woman in me. I could blow your socks off with the details...but why? I see no need to tell those details, but will bore you with the minute details of almost any other part of my life. We girls only save the juicy stuff for other girls. Weird, but true.
Okay, here are some details, cause I realize I never give titillation in my blogs. It's good...really, really (just keep going) good. I have not had sex like this since...never. I had really great sex with my first true love and he is the benchmark for all other men since. Although none came even close to him. He could last as long as I wanted, drove me crazy and then would cum on command. Unfortunately for me, he was the first guy after my first sex with another guy (long story) so I thought all sex was like this. Big news! uh uh. All sex after that was pretty much a 2 minute dash or less. I had no idea. Now I know why all the jokes about sex have to do with quick performance: it's true for the most part. Sure you luck out once in awhile and win the extended play version. But, most times it's over so soon you better hope you got some good foreplay before hand. Otherwise, you are staring at the ceiling saying to yourself...what just happened there, was it a drive by F***. Of course it is all still good, you just want more. Oh, by the way, sorry if it is harsh...just ask a woman and she would probably agree with me.
My husband and I have fun in so many other ways, with Kink and Tenderness too. Our sexual play is fantastic! I just don't get that crazy sex vaginally with a real penis. So, we sought to find that as well. Oh my gosh! It does exist. Myguy can bang away for 2 hours and not cum. We also were quite athletic and went in all kinds of positions. My subhub loves that. He knows that this is what I like and although he wishes to give me that, he can't. He feels stimulated rather than lessened by my new coupling. He and I had the best orgasm after my last meeting with myguy: go figure. I have the devoted guy at home and the hot sex. I am indeed a lucky gal.
I also am like the guy, cause these two men orbit around me a bit. It was weird, but good, when the three of us sat down to eat together. I was the common ground (so to speak) and they were both waiting for my direction and decisions. I liked that dynamic, but did not like the awkward pauses that would occur if I sat back and waited for them to speak. I was "the man" and said where to eat, when to go, and how it all went down. Well, that is actually the woman in me, but I just use this as an example of how a Domme woman is more like the traditional idea of a man.
I am like the traditional woman in that I am not telling myguy how to have sex with me or playing specific sex games. I want to be swept off my feet and have a more traditional sex relationship to begin with, at first. I believe that as I get to know my new partner and we trust each other, the rest will follow. That is how I have always lead my sex relationships.
Okay, now I am really going all woman, babbling about little. I will end here and let out the details that I am off to meet Bachelor #2. We might just meet for drinks/lunch or we might meet for more. Either way...Man, I feel like a woman.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I was reading my wonderful subhub's blog and found that while I was enjoying myself, he was like Tinkerbell: flying around in Fantasyland. His comments about what he could do while I was in town with myguy, cracked me up. I could have him do this or that so he could happily pass his time was rather surprising. I wanted to relieve his pent up frustrations, not open the phone-lines to the all request pleasure hour.
I am really going to have to think about this one. Okay, done thinking. NOT!
I will choose his rewards and punishments. That is the deal. I do think he needs some release. I was amazed that he did not masturbate to culmination, but now I realize that this was, maybe, in part to him wanting to control some of his own pleasure/pain. I never said he had to cum. But, I will be much more definite in the future.
I guess I will make specifics for what he is to do.
#1 Wear the lovely pair of fairy wings that I have in my closet so he can remember when I will allow him to fly in Fantasyland.
#2 an exercise that will reinforce and remind him who is in charge (to be determined in the oh so very near future).
#3 A reward/punishment TBD by the responses made by said subhub on the intent and reasons of his "requests".
We are both laughing about this, right now. Joe is sitting here while I write this. He asks if this is the public humiliation portion of the evening, hahaha. Well honey, just making sure we understand each other and get the "most" out of this experience. You can go ahead and post any other ideas and suggestions on your blog...I'll get back to you on those! LOL
You are more than accommodating to me, which is appreciated greatly. Now I will be the best I can be, keeping you in-line the way you like. It's all given in love and I do love you the most in all the world!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Gosh, it seems that life always tests us in ways that we need. Lately, we have had to "lay low" because I was offered a teaching position for next year. I have been trying to decide if I would take it. Since the academic world is so concerned about image, I was covering our tracks a bit, so that I would not embarrass others by our lifestyle choices. I could just hear the news coverage/community outrage from the discovery of what Joe and I chose to do.
I know that it is actually ludicrous to think that choices we make as adults in our own bedrooms could be up for ridicule. I also know that in today's climate, sex sells. The titillation factor would be enormous. I would never want shame or embarrassment on any place I worked for, so I was carefully weighing my decision. I have come to the conclusion, that while I would enjoy the extra income, the price of my well being is too high. I hate having to look over my shoulder and be paranoid, like so many others I see out there.
I pride myself on being fairly honest and open. I have discovered that hiding who I am is like lying. It just doesn't feel right! This doesn't mean that I will tell people of my particular peccadilloes, I just refuse to put myself in a position where I am no longer allowed to feel good about my choices and this is what is happening now. Since I have cut back on being open and "erased my trail of eroticism" as best I could, I have felt more isolated and untrue to myself.
This will stop now.
I have a "what is the worst that can happen" mentality to this all. If someone found out that I enjoy BDSM kink, FLR, Polyamory, etc, what of it. Do I suffer like so many outed from their "deviant" behavior? Baby, I don't think so! I am willing to take it on if it arises. I might even write about it, but I refuse to hide from it or deny it. I have made my decision. I can't take a job that will force me to hide who I am. So, I will continue on my life of part-time work. The pay may suck, the hours long and unpredictable sometime, but I would control the one thing I value most: me. I would be able to leave without worry, take time off when I wish, and have the "devil may care" attitude I have enjoyed for the past umpteen years.
While this may appear selfish and self-absorbed to some (me as a priority), please consider that I know the value of self. I often have forgotten it or given it away to someone else. In the end, I will be alone in my thoughts and die alone. oooohhhh heavy. So, while on earth, I will enjoy the things I enjoy and live the life I wish. It would be useless to waste what I have each day, by living against my true nature. I am going to take more chances and live my life to the fullest possible form.
So, what will I do now. What any bohemian would; I will give up high pay to pursue my dream to be a writer. I have always wanted to be one. I have one more year left on child support, so the time is now. Next year I will have to make more money, since our income will decrease. Wouldn't it be great if I could set the stage this year to make my living doing what I want. No time like the present to find out if I can! Carpe Diem...I will seize the day. I WILL be ME!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Well, I often notice things that other people do not, or would not bother to notice. Patterns, reoccurring themes, subtitles: they are my specialties. When I first started writing this blog, I noticed that in my first month of writing, I wrote 3 entries. My second month was 4 and my third month was 5. So here I am in June, the sixth month of the year and I had written six entries. I had to decided,would I add any posts to break the pattern, or keep it at six by waiting to write until July. Well doing that would require some habits that I may or may not be good at. It would require restraint (those who know me, well...you know), discipline (who are we kidding-the only discipline I have is the kind I give) and a desire to keep in the pattern. Now that last one is a hard one.
If someone told me not to do something, I would ask why. I want to know the reason of things. Is is just because you said, an established rule, or are you trying to control me. I am a rule follower though. I usually like the comfort of knowing that it is a certain way, and we follow that. Rules can free us from having to guess what someone else is going to do. My ex husband grew up in India for the first 10 years of his life. He was always amazed that people here followed traffic laws. In India, he said that a four way stop would never work. People would just drive through and not follow them. Even at stoplights, everyone ignores the lights, drives into the intersection, which causes gridlock and then enthusiastically honks their horns and yells at everyone. I, on the other hand, grew up in a town where rules were taken seriously. To this day, there are many four way stops that are only being changed slowly to stoplights. Most people from my hometown follow rules religiously. My college roommate now lives in my old hometown. She was friends with some of us from there and even married one of my teenage classmates. She is always amazed that we are so similar in our outlook. She says we are all of the same mindset and the people she meets now, that have grown up there, are the same. Why and how we became that way, I am not sure, it just is. In any event, even though I love rules and follow them, I sometimes don't like the rules that are on the periphery, that one can "bend" or "break".
Take for instance this non-significant pattern. who cares that my posts have gone 3,4,5,6. Well strangely, I do. I go through an inner struggle of should I follow the pattern, or break it? I inevitably do not want to be controlled by having to follow it through, down the road, so I break it now. I also have had an abundance of "number 6" items, so I was going to change that up too.
I have been reading a book on six word memoirs. The goal is to write six words that describe you/your life. If you google it, it will give you examples. I found this, because I will be leading a group of teens in this activity and then sending the final products to another library in Ca. for the summer reading program exchange of art, poetry, etc. I was trying to think what my six words will be. What would yours be?
Mine, for now, will be:
Mom and Wife, enjoys her life!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Today is the third Sunday in June and thus it is the day to honor fathers. Interesting that I have always heard, this "holiday" was created in answer to Mother's Day. The men, or should I say specifically, the retailers see this as a way to help boost sales, and it does. I do not particularly like gratuitous holidays, or giving or receiving gifts for them. I don't like that Christmas displays come before Halloween now. That Valentines and Mother's day is about the flowers, chocolate, or gifts that may be sincere, but more of, "you suffer if I don't get". But, that is a different topic.
The sincerity of the holiday comes from honoring the fathers. We would like to congratulate the men who do serve their families well. The ones that have made a difference in the lives of their children and to their spouses. I am very grateful that my dad did so much for me. He was always concerned for our welfare and provided and led the best he could. He gave me the things necessary to have a good life.
The man that I feel gave me the lessons in life, was my Grandfather. I had a different connection with him. He righted "wrongs" for me, taught me how to play checkers, and disciplined me when I was not a good loser. He had a quiet way about him, that made him "heard" over everyone else. I liked his manner, his stories, his kindness, and his wrath. He taught me about "faith" without ever really quoting the bible or anything else. He taught me about what was important in life and in people. Basically, he taught me the lessons of life. I will be forever grateful for that. I would have missed out on those, if my father were the only man in my life.
I, of course, also honor Joe. Which, as you can see is really like my grandpa (what would Freud say?). He is the man who should receive every honor in the world, and never does. The understated and quiet ones, almost never do! Here is a man, who serves his family, raises the kids, provides financial support, and asks for very little in return. His major contribution to his step sons, my boys by a first marriage, is by BEING THERE. He is there whenever they need him. He does not pry, he lets them be, he shows them life's lessons, he teaches quietly about faith, he provides for them (besides the child support from biodad) and show that he thinks about them by getting things they like or cooking their favorite foods. He also treats them like they are his kids, and most people do not even realize that they are not his biological children. Amazingly so, he never replaces their biodad and knows when to step out of the picture, or let them go to the other for what is needed. I do think Joe is awesome. I let him know that often and one day doesn't really cover that.
I like that other dad's are loved and honored too, as they should be.
Ah, I have been distracted, left this topic in my mind, but the day goes on, the maddness continues...Happy Father's day